


The Trees That Surround Hughes Boarding School

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Maybe sex, Suicide Attempt, connor is so desperate pls help him, he lives, jared is a big mess, mentions and flashbacks to sexual harassment, oh also connors alive, one person goes missing at one point, theres drugs and weed n stuff, theres making out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-10-08 20:48:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 42,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10395759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Hughes Boarding School, for rich kids who could afford it no matter their GPA, or for actual smart children who had worked to be able to attend this school that practically guarantees acceptance into a four year university.





	1. The Mushed Together Trees

****

They have been driving for four and a half hours, and Evan Hansen has said "Mom, please." approximately thirty-six times. Reason number one being that Heidi has been reaching out to grab Evan's non-casted right hand multiple times while driving.

Reason number two is that Evan does not want to go to this school. One, he's leaving behind his mom. Sure, half the time he feels like she never even wanted him and that he's a constant burden on her life, but somewhere, deep down in his heart, he knows that she's heartbroken sending him away, and that's what causes him to want to rythmically slam his back into the leather seat over and over and over again. But he can't, because then he'd start coughing and then his mom would freak out and he can't let her do that while she's been driving for so long.

"This is gonna be good for you Evan. Dr. Sherman suggested that this school would be a good social experience and you can make some new, close friends, and I would do anything for you to be able to have that." Heidi says sincerely, even taking her eyes off the empty road for a split second to look at Evan and smile warmly.

Evan is also attending this school because he had recieved a partial scholarship due to his high grades that resulted from him being too nervous to let himself fail anything, meaning that Heidi could afford to send him there when Dr. Sherman said it might be a good idea.  
  
Hughes Boarding School, for rich kids who could afford it no matter their GPA, or for actual smart children who had worked to be able to attend this school, which practically guaranteed acceptance into a four year university. For the record, Evan could not have given less of a shit about any of this, and was only going along with it because he wanted to see his mother happy- it was hard to say no to this experience when it was hope for Heidi.

"Yeah, mom, I'm sure. I- I think it'll be... good..." Evan replied, then continued to look at the dark grey sky, most likely preparing to storm down any second.

"I am so proud of you." Heidi said, and looked at Evan once they pulled up to a stoplight.

///

Connor Murphy had his earbuds in and his head tucked into the pillow he'd brought with him. His eyes were shut tight and although he wasn't trying to sleep, he wanted his family to think so, because another "Connor, we're paying for your education here so please try" lecture from his parents is not what he needed. He did let his eyes flutter open for a second to look at his sister Zoe, who was looking out the window. The ends of his mouth may or may not have flown up a little bit when he saw her smiling open-mouthed at the sky which was quite literally fifty different shades of grey, and she looked like a six year old again, getting excited at the colors of the sky and how mushed together the trees looked when you stared at them as you zoomed past.

It was in this moment that Connor knew he was way too tired, and he turned back towards the front, eyes going glued shut again.

It was his third year at this stupid school, third year of studying things he only cared about half of, and his second year of being overshadowed by his little sister who actually made an effort whether she liked the class or not. His dad sat in the front seat, making light conversation with his mom in passenger, but neither Zoe nor Connor paid any attention, so Connor really hoped they weren't trying to talk to them because that'd just spark an argument.

"Are you two even listening?" Connor heard through his earbuds. Then sighed, pulling them out.

"Sorry, what Mom?" Connor said plainly, getting Zoe's attention. Cynthia rolled her eyes and turned her head back to face her children.

"I said, I want you two to be respectful to your teachers and classmates this year. I don't want any phone calls saying that you yelled at your Anatomy teacher or punched anyone."

"I did not yell at him!" Zoe retorted. "I simply got a little upset about an F."  
  
"You totally yelled at him." Connor said, Zoe shooting daggers at him. "What? I'm not saying it was without good reason."

"Connor! Stop encouraging her! I don't want any more calls about you hurting people either." Cynthia said, straining to not raise her voice.

"Okay, fine, no more punching people." Connor lifted his hands in defeat.

"Okay, good. We're almost there." Cynthia sighed.

///

Evan had closed his eyes at some point during the car ride, but never fell asleep, because that would be legitimately impossible. He forced his eyes open when the car stopped and he saw that they had arrived in front of a large array of buildings that half looked like an old English castle and half like army bunkers.

"Shall we?" Heidi asked, and popped open the trunk, getting out of the car and pulling out two bags.  
  
Evan jumped out quickly and walked around to the trunk. "Here, I-I'll take them, don't worry." He said, sighing, and slinging the backpack over his shoulder and taking the handle of the suitcase from Heidi, who closed the trunk.

Evan turned around and faced the large main school building and took a deep breath in. This time, he reached out for Heidi's hand, and she took it without asking.

"Come on. Registration is in the main building there, for 11th graders it's in..." Heidi fumbled around in her purse for the slip of paper she'd printed out before leaving. "Here it is, uh, room 104. I think. Oh well, we'll see when we get there!" she gave a weak chuckle and squeezed Evan's hand.

"Right. Okay."

///

"What do you mean I'm moving houses?" Connor asked Mr. Randall, at the 11th grade registration table.

"Sorry- we got a special request to put two brothers in the same house so we had to move someone. The good news is that there's only 423 students at this school so you'll probably know who's in your new house."  
  
"That is the opposite of good news." Connor sneered.

Mr. Randall sighed. "Okay- Murphy, Connor, you will now be staying in the Palm house. Room 2C." He said, handing Connor a piece of paper, who just rolled his eyes and stormed to the other side of the room so Zoe could get her things.

"Here's your other bag, Connor. You gonna make it to your house okay?" Cynthia says, handing Connor a messenger bag.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine." Connor says, grabbing the bag and walking away to the faint sounds of his mother saying goodbye. He knew that his parents were gonna wait around to help Zoe, but it's not like he even wanted their help in the first place, so it totally didn't matter to him at all.

Turns out the Palm house had a very literal name, because when Connor reached the house, he quite literally wanted to vomit. The house was a bright yellow color, and there were decals of palm trees plastered in the windows. The sign out front that read "Palm House" had an inflatable palm next to it. As he walked up to the porch, Connor looked around and kicked over the inflatable tree really quickly, chuckling and walking the rest of the way into the house.

Definitely not being polite enough to knock or ring or anything, Connor opened the door and stepped inside hastily, coming face to face with a very tall, intimidating looking bald man, who could not have been older than 45.

"I knew there was gonna be one. All black, girl hair, and a slamming doors tendency. Listen up- this may be your house while you're here, but if you cause anything to break, the next thing to be broken will be you." He snarled, getting up into Connor's face.

Connor was definitely somewhat intimidated by this man, but not nearly enough to let it show on his face more than leaning backward ever so slightly. He held his hand out for the man to shake. "Connor Murphy."

The man does not take Connor's handshake offer, but looks down at the papers that he has in his hands. "My name is Ryan, I'm in charge of this house, and also a PE coach at the school. Murphy. Here's your keys, second floor, third door to the left."

Connor faked a smile. "Thanks." He nodded at Ryan and walked up the wooden staircase, looking at the windows that desperately needed to be dusted and the deep brown-red of the railing, how it seemed mostly smooth except for the small spots where bubbles had formed in the polyurethane and hadn't been smoothed over before it dried.

The second floor hall was just as musty as the first, this time with more small tables with dead plants on them, and Connor had to wipe off the plaques next to each room to make sure he was going into room C. Once he did, he closed the door and sighed, rolling his eyes. The room was rather small, with a bunk bed on the left and a single twin bed on the right, and a window in the middle with a large dresser underneath it. Connor let out a huge sigh, simply thinking that it looked like all the other rooms. He barely took a step before he heard some grumbling, and a booming nasally voice:

"Wellllll looks like we've got customers!" Connor nearly jumped, and a figure appeared from the top of the bunk bed and smiled. He was a pudgy, tall guy with dirty blonde hair and glasses that looked like something Connor's grandmother would wear.

"Jesus Christ, Kleinman. Give me a heart attack, why don't you." Connor said, deadpan, putting his things on the lower bunk. "Had I known I was getting the honor of sharing a room with you, Jared, I'd've stashed myself back into my parent's trunk and not gotten out until we were in the fast lane on the highway."

"Well, Connor, still wearing out that school shooter aesthetic in our junior year, now. Please, dear God, tell me we're getting another roomate." Jared jumped down from the bunk bed, as Connor remained unresponsive, and looked out the window again.

It's not that Connor and Jared hated each other deeply on a personal level. In all honesty, they didn't know each other at all, it's more that a lot of people had this predisposition that Connor was shady and going to get the wrong idea from the movie Heathers one day, leading Jared to continually throw insults at him just like everyone else, and Connor replied snarkily, just like he did with everyone else.

///

"Okay Evan, do you want me to help you with your bags or are you good here?" Heidi asked as the two walked up to the porch of the looming yellow Palm House.

"Uh, u-um I think I-I'll be fine here, Mom. Thanks, Mom." Evan said, smiling at Heidi. Heidi simply giggled and pulled Evan into a hug, which lasted for God knows how long, but it wasn't nearly as long as Evan knew he needed.

"Thanks, Mom." Evan said again when they pulled out. He picked up his bags and smiled at his mom one last time, before turning around and taking the couple of steps to the door, and he stopped before doing anything. Should he knock? Would anyone answer? Was there anyone the house? Was this even the right house? Before another thought entered Evan's brain, he realized he was knocking on the door already.

The door was opened and Evan was greeted by a tall man with a huge beard, smirking down on him. "Come on in, son." He said, and gave a big smile to Heidi, and waved at her while he closed the door behind Evan.  
  
"I'm Ryan, the charge of this house. I'm also a gym coach up at the school. Name?"

"Oh-uh- Evan. Evan- Ha-Hansen. Evan Hansen. Yeah." Evan replied.

"Hansen. Room 2C. Third door on your left." Ryan says, handing Evan a key.

"Th-thanks." Evan forced a smile and took the key.

"Hey, don't sweat it kid. There's a lot of great people here."

"Ok." Evan said and grabbed his bags, treading up the stairs and to the room.

When Evan pushed open the door, there were two people already on the two bunks on the bed to the left, the one on top typing furiously on a laptop, and the one on the bottom bunk reading a book with the title painted out. As he walked in and put his bag down, the kid on the top bunk looked up and straightened his glasses.  
  
"Hello!" he said quite loudly, startling Evan.

"Oh, uh, hi." Evan said quietly, continuing to quietly put things on his bed. The response had made the brooding kid on the bottom bunk look up as well, who chuckled and looked up at the top of the bed as though to be looking through to the top.

"Well look at that Jared, we don't get the pleasure of being the odd ones out with only one roommate." he said.

"Damn shame. Guess that puts our angsty drunk 3 am makeout sessions on hold." Jared said, then stopping to laugh at his own joke a little too hard. Bottom bunk kid simply rolled his eyes and sat up, eyeing Evan.

"Uh, hi. I-I'm Evan. Hansen." Evan said, slowly and cautiously out his hand for him to shake, then quickly switching hands when he'd realized he'd put out his casted hand.

The other kid simply chuckled and looked him seemingly right in the eyes, and Evan stared right back. They looked like sad eyes that had seen a lot.

"Wow! You must be new. I'm Jared Kleinman, that asshole is the Phantom of the Opera himself, Connor Murphy."

"Fuck off Kleinman, before I kick your ass." Connor sneered, laying back down on his bed and picking his book back up.

"Well, anyway, Evan, right? It might be nice for you to keep that naivety because that might stop Connor here from killing everyone else at any given moment." Jared said, turning back to his computer as Connor kicked the bed up from underneath. "This bedding situation was a horrible decision."  



	2. Everybody's Favorite Old Married Couple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Connor hadn't been sober, something very bad would have happened in the split second that it took for Jared to slam the door and walk towards them. Luckily, he was, and just rolled his eyes at Jared.
> 
> "Trust me Jared, Evan is most certainly not the roommate I'd want dead." Connor says gingerly.

Zoe waved goodbye to her parents, who had helped her carry her bags to the front steps of the Iris house, which no, didn't have any irises planted in front, but was painted the most atrocious and tacky color of blue that Zoe had ever seen, but she smiled anyway, because she had great memories in this, badly painted house.

As she stepped inside, she smiled at Rosario, the young woman in charge of their house. She had graduated from Hughes a couple of years back and came back to work and live in-house after she finished her undergraduate program, and being only a couple of years older than the students themselves, had proved to be like the college age advice-giving older sister Zoe never had.

"Hey Zoe! How was your summer?" Rosario says cheerfully, offering to take one of Zoe's bags as they walked down the hall to her room together.

"Okay. I went to guitar camp for a week, so that was pretty fun. Other than that I just read a lot of books and watched a lot of early 2000s cartoons. What about you?"

"We had some family come from Colombia, so I did nothing all summer except cook food and take care of my little cousins." Rosario giggles.

"You're 22! You should be able to live the way you like!" Zoe exclaims.

"Well, I do like it! I spend my whole year with you guys, it's nice to see my family sometimes! After last year, I really needed it..." Rosario says jokingly, and Zoe frowns and stops in front of the door to grab her bag.

"Thanks." Zoe smiles and Rosario leaves to go greet more kids. Zoe tries to take a deep breath but forgets it before opening the door, and lets out a squeal when she does.

"Look who's here!" Zoe yells and drops her bags, and the girl putting her stuff on the bottom of the bunk bed to the left drops what she's doing to hug Zoe.

"Thank God, you were taking so long I thought maybe you'd switched houses on me!" the other girl pulled away and straightened her glasses. "I would be 'Alana Beck, the girl who had to share a room with the live-in caretaker'."

"I promise I would never let you live like that. We were late because my dad got in a fight with Connor before leaving." Zoe said, rolling her eyes. Alana said nothing, but turned back to her bedding, which included her stretching her sheets over one edge of the bed, then taking it back off and putting it on again, taking it off and putting it back on again. Zoe smiled and began to throw her own bedding on the top bunk and climbed up to put her sheets on. Which really included her just spreading out her body in all kinds of positions because she was simply too lazy to do it the right way- far too hard. When she eventually decided that her methods weren't going to work, she got up and clambered around the bed, and settled down with a book and her mediocre sheets after a while.

Before they know it, Rosario bursts in and tells the other two that it's time for dinner- some people's parents have stayed with them for dinner or got there super late, so they know that the cafeteria people will have put a little more effort than usual into the horseshit they usually serve. Basically Alana and Zoe don't think twice before getting up to go to the cafe.

///

"I'm not hungry. I'll see you guys after." Connor says, not looking up from his book.

"A-are you sure? We could-" Evan starts to say, but is cut off by Jared.

"No use, Hansen. Let's just go." Jared urges Evan out of the room and they trot down the stairs.  
  
"Uhm, Jared?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you and Con-Connor uh- hate... each other?" Evan asks timidly.

Jared slows down his pace and looks forward, his hands lounging in his jean pockets. "Listen, Evan. The kid's crazy. Hell, the Murphys are just weird, both of them. A future suicide bomber and a hipster who will probably get voted Most Likely To Have A Mental Breakdown."

"Who-who's the other one?" Evan asks.

"Oh- Connor's sister, Zoe. She wears the same shirt everyday and only drinks coffee out of a novelty Christmas travel mug her best friend who she's totally sleeping with got her last year." Jared trails off. "But that's not the point- Connor is not a good person to have as a friend. I swear their parents must be cousins or something."

"Oh." was all Evan could muster.

"What happened to your arm, by the way?" Jared asked, pointing to the cast on Evan's left arm.

"Oh- I-I was working as a park ranger this summer, and uh- I-uh fell, out of a tree. So, uh-"

"Oh my God- you fell out of a tree? Holy SHIT dude, that's... super fucking sad and super fucking epic." Jared exclaims. Evan laughs half-heartedly and shrugs.

"I guess. I was being stupid, I-I climbed up to a place I knew the br...branches were too thin for me and I just didn't realize how much I actually weighed in comparison to the tree!" Evan awkwardly laughed and then abruptly stopped when they reached the cafe doors. "Why did I just say that? I-I'm sorry."

Jared didn't listen and pushed open the doors dramatically, simply expecting Evan to follow suit. And he did, so no worries there.

"Ah yes, the smell of actual food in this cafe of suffering teens- rare! But wonderful." Jared says cheerfully. Evan laughs quietly as they move down the assembly line and sit down.

Jared digs into his food and looks around the room, spotting a couple of other people and waving them over to the table. "There you guys are, God you took forever." he says, and goes deep into conversation with the other two people. Evan is sure that Jared introduces him at one point, but Evan simply waves hi and goes back to picking at his food and drowning out everything else around him.

Jared notices how zoned out Evan is, and that he hasn't eaten a thing on his plate, but after a few unsuccessful attempts to get him in on the conversation, Jared shrugs and stops trying. It's evident that Evan doesn't really want to talk.

Evan spends a few more minutes moving the same piece of cold pasta around on his plate, before the smell of the room and the sounds of what could easily be over a hundred people talking suddenly hit him like a wave, and he throws down his fork and starts to get up.

"Heading back?" Jared asks.

"Y-yeah. I'll see you later." Evan quickly dumps out the food he didn't eat and walks out of the cafe with enough haste to avoid puking all over the room but not too fast so that everyone thought he was going puke all over the room. Just as the doors shut behind him, he heard Jared laugh loudly, until it muffles behind closed doors and mixes with the sounds of everyone else.

As soon as Evan is far away from the huge amount of people shoved into that deathtrap of of food and screaming, his breathing goes normal again. He decides that that is an experience he never wants to have again.

Evan lets out a huge breath when he gets back to the dorm room, and he wonders how long he'd been holding it in for.

"Couldn't spend another second with Jared, huh? Can't say I blame you." Connor says, suddenly reminding Evan that there's another person in the room.

"No-I-I just-uh- got a little-" Evan stops to breath, "overwhelmed in- in there. Sorry, you kinda-freaked me out for a second, uh, sorry."

"No need to apologize. You're not the only person freaked out by me." Connor remarks, and his eyes never leave the book he's holding.  
  
"Wh-why do people say that? I-is there a reason or d-did you do something?" Evan asks, sitting down on his bed.

"It doesn't matter to you. You probably heard it from fucking Jared already, and why should you ever doubt others opinions?" Connor says.

"Well- he did say something- something to me but, uh, I didn't know whether it was true or-or not. Like with-"

"It doesn't. Matter. It's none of your business-"

"Well, if it's not true, I-I was won-"

"Not your business, Hansen! Why do-"

"Or if your sister-"

"What?" Connor looked up from his book and looked at Evan.

"Oh- it's it's nothing." Evan backed down.

"No, no, no. You keep talking like you wanted to because I am all ears now." Connor sat up and looked Evan dead in the eyes. "What about me? What about my sister?" Evan remained silent and Connor scoffed. "Listen, kid. Jared doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, so just know that I'm not-"

"Jesus, Connor, it's the kid's first day and you're already trying to kill him." Jared says, slamming the door behind him.  
  
If Connor hadn't been sober, something very bad would've happened in the split second it took for Jared to slam the door and walk towards them. Luckily he was, and just rolled his eyes at Jared.

"Trust me Jared, Evan is most certainly not the roommate I'd want dead." Connor says gingerly.

"Y'know Connor, one of these days there's gonna be a bigger evil to defeat and we're gonna have to put our differences aside to get rid of them-" Jared looked over at Evan who looked very nervous and lost in the conversation. "-or, based on tonight's events, we might just have to work together to make sure Evan doesn't explode."

Evan laughed halfheartedly at this, because it was funny and even made Connor giggle a little bit, but it also dumbfounded him that Jared would even suggest protecting Evan, and it also made him sad that Jared would have to say that at all and that after only a couple of hours it had become apparent to him that Evan had issues.

"Wow. That's exactly what I want to spend my time doing, Jared, great idea! It's not like I have other people to care about."

"You don't, Connor."

Connor kicked up Jared's bed again.

Jared looked at Evan. "The sacrifices I am willing to make for you."

"You were in that bed before I even got here." Evan said quietly.

"You picked that bed before I got here." Connor said, dumbfounded.

Jared looked down and frowned. "I am a saint."

"Sure you are, Jared. Saint of the douches who think khaki shorts and date rape jokes are cool." Connor smirked and Jared gasped overdramatically.

"How dare you even suggest something like that!" Jared looked super offended.

"Hey Evan, how'd you break your arm?" Connor asked, changing the subject quickly for some reason.

"Oh-uh-" Evan stuttered then giggled a little bit, "I-uh-fell out of a tree."

"You fell out of a tree?" Connor said and Evan nodded. "That's so fucking sad, oh my God."

"That's exactly what I said! Evan just laughed and made another joke about it- he's just as sadistic as you, Connor!" Jared exclaimed and Connor frowned.

"Just because I wear black a lot doesn't mean I'm completely sadistic, Jared. I could just be insecure about my weight and like to wear black to make me look slimmer." Connor said sarcastically, putting his book back into his face. Evan chuckled at the remark and began to pick at his own shirt, stretching the fabric around his body and pulling at the loose seams in the hemming.  
It was also this moment that Evan realized he would be spending God knows how long trying to turn Connor and Jared from a bickering old married couple into people who can get along. Having two roommates who were constantly fighting was not going to do anything good for Evan's anxiety; the idea of asking administration to switch rooms sounded worse than death; and so of course, trying to fix their relationship super sneakily seemed way easier. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: the majority of jared and connor's banter in this chapter was written while listening to "different as can be" from a very potter musical
> 
> Ok, I'm gonna say this now because it never gets properly addressed in the fic: i added the eating disorder tag because evan's eating habits are not! healthy! and they are actually similar to the eating habits i had three years ago when i had anorexia- now its definitely there because anxiety and eating disorders are generally seen together in teens and so it kinda just happened and i didnt plan it but i do want to mention that it's definitely there but does not get addressed properly (or really at all) and so please take that into account that its not healthy and that if u are experiencing this please please seek help because that recovery process is NOT fun when taken to the extreme and yeah thats the end of the disclaimer
> 
> i was so overwhelmed by the support on the first chapter thank u guys so much!! im super sick today so im gonna try to get a lot of writing done lol


	3. Jared Gets Banned From The Mall Because Of Tumblr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now what is your fascination with not wanting to see me? You've been five feet away from Evan all morning!" Jared exclaimed and pulled open his laptop.
> 
> "Evan hasn't used a shitty insult as a greeting every time he's seen me. Speaking of that, you really need to work on some new ones, dude. I'm getting quite bored." Connor retorted.

Some people, like Mr. Ryans who was in charge of the Palm house (and was "the lovechild of Voldemort and the principal from Matilda", Connor had said), are super strict and give everyone a 10 PM curfew and an 10:30 lights out, while other caretakers:  
  
"Wait- you've never seen the movie Aquamarine? It's a classic!"

"A true cinematic masterpiece!"

"This is an outrage and we're watching it right now."

"Sorry guys, I just didn't have much time for movies when I was a kid." Alana pleads as Zoe pulls out her laptop. "Wait- right now? It's midnight."

"This is urgent, Alana. And it's not like you have classes tomorrow or anything." Rosario says and pulls out a classic iPod. "The iPod! The source of all my early 2000s movies."

"PERFECT." Zoe grabbed the iPod and connected it to the computer, shoving it into Alana's face.

///

Rosario had fallen asleep during the movie, and it was clear to Zoe that Alana had lost interest, so she just closed the computer and they sat alone on Alana's bed in the dark, chatting.  
  
"You know what I heard today? That Jared Kleinman and his asshole friends are still spreading rumors that we're hooking up, and that no one's believing it." Alana said.

"It came from Jared. Sure, he's not a school outcast like some people," Zoe said, putting emphasis on the 'some', "but he's still not the most trustworthy person. Like at all."

"I mean it's a lucky hit for us, right? Can't let something this loose and friendly get out like it's serious or something." Alana giggles and leans her head on Zoe's shoulder.

Zoe twirled one of Alana's braids in her finger and sighs. "I guess."

Alana frowns and cups her hand around Zoe's face. "Hey, it's all right. Maybe we should sleep now, it's... it's late." Alana said.

Zoe nodded and climbed out of Alana's bed and into her own, and didn't speak another word.

///

The rest of the weekend goes by incredibly fast for Evan, and he gets up a couple times to use the bathroom or get water, but he mainly spends the days reading and writing. Connor and Jared come and go sometimes, but Jared is out far more than Connor, and there is something about Evan's silence and focus on his books that keeps Connor from talking to him- which he doesn't know why he'd do so anyway.

More conversation happens when Jared comes back at night and ridicules the two for doing nothing but reading constantly- then following it up with the fact that neither of them really have friends to do anything with- and then promptly gets onto his bed and sticks his nose back into his computer.

On Saturday afternoon, Jared stomps into the dorm room and climbs up onto his bed, and in doing so, shakes the bed and wakes up Connor.

"Dude, what the fuck is your issue?" Connor said, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"That was a little aggressive, wasn't it? I'm not even particulary angry about anything- but in all honesty, it's 1 PM. You needed to be up by now." Jared said.

"Why aren't you hanging out with your asshole friends like normal? In other words, why are you in this room when you don't need to be?" Connor asked.  
  
"Now what is your fascination with not wanting to see me? You've been five feet away from Evan all morning!" Jared exclaimed and pulled open his laptop.

"Evan hasn't used a shitty insult as a greeting every time he's seen me. Speaking of that, you really need to work on some new ones, dude. I'm getting quite bored." Connor retorted.

Jared sat up. "For the record, I only insult you when you insult me, mhm please and thank you."

Connor raised an eyebrow. "Why would I insult you first? I hate talking to people unless they make me upset first?"

Connor and Jared both sat in silence for a minute with confused expressions dancing around their faces, and Evan kept his book over his face as to avoid them seeing him giggling.

"Sounds like you guys uh- y-your entire relationship has been a-a big mis... misunderstanding." Evan said quickly, then quickly went back to his book.

If Connor hadn't been sober, he might've yelled at Evan, or even Jared. But instead, he just laughed slowly. "Sure. So where are Dumb and Dumber, Kleinman?" Connor changed the subject.

"Oh- well- uh- they decided to go to the mall downtown and I can't really go there so-"

"Jared has a personal grudge against malls." Connor said to Evan.

"Understandable." Evan said quickly, not wanting to make Jared upset. "Maybe-the mall has a grudge against h-him?" he looked up at Jared, who was just shyly smiling.

"The mall killed my parents. I seek vengeace against the mall." Connor said, chuckling.

"No, that's not exactly it, I uh, I'm not allowed to go to the mall." Jared said.

"Really? You're allowed to dress like that but the mall is where they called the line?" Connor said. "Did you get banned from the mall or something?"

Jared remained strangely silent, causing Evan to look up at him and even Connor leaned out and looked up at him.

"Holy fuck Kleinman, did you get banned from the fucking mall? What the hell could you have done to be banned from the entire mall? Listen I know I've done some shitty things-"

"A lot of shitty things, actually-"

"-fuck off. I've never gotten banned from a mall. A bowling alley, yes, but never an entire mall." Connor said, and Evan couldn't hold it in anymore and started laughing, which in turn made Jared start to laugh, and even Connor giggled a little bit. The sound of them all laughing made Evan feel a little bit better about being stuck in a room with them- if they didn't hate each other, it'd be less likely for them to hate Evan, and maybe this whole roommate thing wouldn't be hell.

"Hey- you guys wanna know what's not important? Why I got banned from a mall."

"Probably made too many shooter jokes in the wrong place."

"I'll bet you've actually tried to shoot up a mall- or that bowling alley-"

Evan thought too soon.

"I was fourteen, there was no shooting involved, and small town bowling alleys are ruthless- what I did wasn't even that bad."

"Uh-huh, I'm sure, Mr. I Used To Throw Printers."

Connor kicked up Jared's bed.

"Jesus Christ I'm lucky I'm an insomniac because having the bed over you is really hell."

///

The day for classes to start had finally come- and at first, Evan had thought he was ready after the banter he'd had to endure in the dorm room all weekend, but walking into his first period Spanish 2 class and having the two or three other people in the class look right at him definitely took his confidence down a notch or eight.

Evan quickly took a seat where his name was projected on the board and looked at the other person he'd be sharing the table with- and he laughs in his head at the irony. And how small this school is, really. If the past weekend had been any indication of how many rumors there are, it couldn't be as bad as everyone says, right?

"Hi- so, you're Evan?"

Evan looks up and breathes. "Oh-uh-yeah. You're Zoe, right?"

"Well, that's what the seating chart says, and I'm sitting next to you, so..." Zoe laughs and sits next to him. She hasn't ever heard his name before, and that kinda lets her breathe a little bit, that he hasn't heard anything- it's like a clean slate. A new person who doesn't know about anything that's happened in the past two years- hopefully.

Evan isn't going to lie; Zoe is very pretty. And she seems warm and nice upon first meeting her- nothing like her brother, and not really like what Jared said. It takes Evan by surprise but it reminds him of what his mom told him about small schools- everyone thinks they know everything about everyone, whether they do or not.

"Oh-yeah- you're Connor's sister, right?" Evan asks, and immediately regrets it when Zoe gives him a weird look.  
  
"Yeah- how'd you know that?"

"Oh- uh- he's- we're roommates." Evan says, leaning back.

"Oh! Did he tell you that?"

"N-no, our other roomate, uh, Jared, Kleinman, he- he told me." Evan said. Zoe's face went to a frown and Evan wanted to slam his head into the table repeatedly- why did he say that? Now Zoe thinks he AND Jared are creeps and then Jared will hate him and-

"Oh. Jared. Great." Zoe rolled her eyes and sighed. "It's no issue with you. Everyone knows each other here so it doesn't matter all that much- wait, did you say you're roommates with Connor AND Jared?" Zoe touched Evan's hand, and he nodded without saying anything. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. That must be a living hell."

Evan shrugs. "It's been okay. They kinda- spend a- a lot of their time insulting each other for-no reason."

Zoe gives Evan a look that is the facial equivalent of "surrrrreee..." and turns forward as the bell rings and the teacher walks in- a short white woman with the most disgusting bleach white hair you've ever seen, and she smiles at the class and goes straight into a long talk about her family that no one cares about.

Zoe doesn't pay attention to most of the intro stuff because she loses herself in thought over what Evan said- "no reason". Pfft. Of course there was a reason, but there's no way in hell Jared would've told Evan, because Zoe herself doesn't like to tell people either. What's important is that she and Jared keep their distance from now on- which might be kind of hard if he's sharing a room with her brother- but she'll cross that roadblock when she gets to it because now Mrs. Whatsherface is handing out a worksheet of regular and irregular verbs on the first day.

Evan is undoubtedly a bit startled when the paper slams down on he and Zoe's table because he was too busy worrying about the look Zoe had given him and he had no idea why- had he said something wrong- oh yeah definitely. Did he know what it was? Absolutely not. So he's not going to have any idea what to apologize for, and honestly, that's what worries Evan. Because he's constantly fucking shit up he never has any idea what in particular he's done this time to offend someone and he wants to slide his hands and arms across the edges of his binder over and over again until he becomes a pile of shreds so he doesn't have to be caught in whatever he's gotten himself into and so that he never has to be looked at like that by Zoe Murphy ever again.

Zoe's going to ask Connor about it later- or whenever he'll let her.  
  
Evan's going to ask Connor about it later- if he'll let him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jared and zoe have beef ooooooh
> 
> yeah the funniest thing to me about this chapter is how much of a shitpost it is yet how it actually is the first chapter perpetuating the plot (which i now realize is based really heavily on a bunch of miscommunications???)
> 
> anyways yeah hope u guys like this even though im p sure it's way shorter than the others
> 
> ps will rolands twitter is so funny god bless him for hashtags such as #NetflixAndWill and #MagicMikeFaist he literally is jared kleinman anyways im in a shady hotel in alabama and it's midnight goodnight  
> 


	4. Eavesdropping Is The Most Fun A Boy Can Have Without Taking His Cast Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- ugh, my tongue feels gross now.” he says, and Evan knows something is happening but doesn’t say anything because Connor is giggling now and Evan has to turn his head in because he’s smiling and doesn’t want the other two to get a clue.

Connor stumbles into Algebra 2, the last class of the day, and exhaustedly slams himself down in a desk. It's been a really long day and he's most definitely falling asleep when he gets back to the dorm room.

"Mr. Murphy. Good to have you back this year." the teacher whose name Connor has forgotten says, handing him a course outline on a sheet of paper. Connor can't tell whether she's being serious or sarcastic because he was one of the only people in her first period Geometry class last year who passed, but he also constantly fell asleep and kept forgetting to bring in homework. Oops.

"Connor." he turns his head to the side when his name is called and he slumps over when Zoe sits down next to him. "I have to ask you something."

"What?" Connor is too tired to deal with whatever thing Zoe's going to start an argument about now.

"I met your other roommate today- Evan? He said that you and Jared are in a room together-" Connor sighs. He already knows what this is going to be about. "And I was just wondering... has he said anything about me? Jared?"

"...Not in front of me. And apparently he told Evan you existed, and I have no idea what he said, but I doubt he'd tell him specifically about what happened. Stop worrying. You can leave me alone now." Connor buried his head in his arms.

"Connor, when was the last time you smoked?"

"Leave me alone- Zoe-"

"Connor, just answer the question!" Zoe says a little too loud, and a couple of other students who are trickling in give the siblings a strange look and Zoe just says "Oh. Sorry." And turns back to her brother expectantly.

"Haven't since we left home. Why does it matter?" Connor sneers.

"You know why it matters." Zoe says, and almost continues to speak, but the words lose her and more people rush in and class begins.

Back at home, Connor smoked weed almost all the time, because he wasn't enjoying himself at home. When he was high, he smelled like it, and his room smelled like it, and he became unresponsive and sluggish. When everything smelled like weed and Connor became unresponsive, his family came down on him for not talking, which made Connor irritable and mean and pushy and downright abusive to his family. This kind of put a tarnish on the family relationship, as you can imagine.

Connor refused to let himself be taken to rehab, and what their parents were so intent on doing, but for the most part, Connor knew it would never happen, and he would keep going to school and living and smoking instead of going out with friends he didn't have.

Unlike their parents, Zoe managed to have more conversations with Connor, simply based on the fact that she learned to not yell at him all the time or only come to him because he did something wrong- it took a while to not be angry or condescending, but Zoe was learning. It was way easier when he was sober, because he barely lashed out when he was sober, but he was still sad a lot, and him not talking to Zoe wasn't out of hate- he just doesn't like talking to people. People piss him off. Okay, maybe there was a little hate. It was also kind of funny to Zoe how she and Connor seemed to get along way better at school- where their parents weren't. But they'd never say it because then their parents would get mad, and then they'd all get in a big fight, and that would just tear everything down further.

Today- Connor was tired. And so was Zoe. And everyone was really tired and not accustomed to the school schedule yet. So it was kind of hard to tell what parts of Connor's reaction was universal and what of it was Connor being Connor.

When the bell rings, and the first day is over, Connor nearly trips over himself trying to stand up and get out of the room as soon as possible, but Zoe caught him in the hall and made him slow his pace.

"What?" he snaps. "Are you about to ask me to ask him about it or something?"

"No! God no. I just wanted to ask about your day, you know, chat. Like siblings do." Zoe pleaded, and Connor replied with glaring eyes. "We promised mom and dad we'd try to make things better, and personally, I think that could start with a simple conversation."

"We promised mom and dad. Right. I also promised mom and dad I'd stop smoking pot and look where I am today!" Connor stuck his arms out and bowed to Zoe.

Zoe rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Alana and I have self-defence training." Zoe pushed past Connor and took a fast pace walking out of the hall. Connor gazed at Zoe storming off and sighed to himself before shrugging his backpack back onto his shoulders and keeping his eyes on the ground as he left the main building.

///

Connor’s eyes traveled around the running trail that winded through parts of the forest surrounding the school. The track team had been disbanded three years before because the funding was cut for it and put into the new football field, but the trail, or at least the part that Connor walked on, was still visible to some aspect even though it barely got used.

There was one part of the forest and trail that had been taped off for the film class to use whenever the need be, but the rest of the forest was off-limits to students, and so Connor spent weeks trying to find the perfect spot to hide off where he was least likely to get caught by administration because despite having this “I don’t care” aura about him, Connor would rather die than get his three strikes and have to go home and deal with his parents AFTER being expelled.

Connor looked around the familiar patch of trail he’d been studying for years until he finds it. The large tree that looks super out of place compared to the rest of the forest because it is short, with lots of tiny branches and leaves that are spread out very far, and Connor lets out a deep sigh because he hasn’t seen his special spot all summer.

He crawls under and sits against the somewhat skinny trunk, knowing that he’ll be mostly concealed by the leaves, and thinks about the conversation he’d had with his sister that morning.

Not since before they’d left for the school.

“Sorry, Zo.” Connor says under his breath, but doesn’t think on it too long before pulling out the joint and rolling.

///

Later in the week, Evan returned to the dorm room that afternoon, he was the only one there, and he quietly thanked the skies that he’d get some time without Jared and Connor’s incessant banter. He laid down on his bed and shut his eyes tight, drowning out the world around him as best he could.

It was a point in time where Evan didn’t mind being left alone with his thoughts, not too many depressing or horrible things were seeping in, and he tried to think about his classes and teachers, but his mind always drifted back to the conversation he’d had with Jared on Thursday afternoon, and with Connor on Thursday night, and lead it all up to the conversation he had with Zoe in Spanish that morning.

Nothing seemed to fit together- Jared and Zoe hated each other, Jared and Connor hated each other, and- he actually had no idea about Zoe and Connor, but he was confused. If it was just a couple of asshat jokes, why did the siblings hate Jared so much? And why did he hate them in the first place? It all seemed so pointless to Evan, but he wasn’t thinking about that now…

When Connor came in half an hour later, Evan was fast asleep. He chuckled- a man after his own mind. Maybe he’d be able to have one friend. Evan apparently hadn’t changed clothes or even pulled up the covers before falling asleep, so Connor could see every bodily movement of Evan’s chest when he breathed. Sometimes his arm or leg would twitch, and his breathing would go short, and there was a monster in Evan’s mind smiling and dangling the world in front of him.

Connor could also see how light Evan’s eyes were, and how they moved under his eyelids, back and forth, back and forth, and how the twitching and shortness of breath all seemed to move in unison, as one bad thing in Evan’s mind came to the next.

“So your new pastime is watching our roommate while he sleeps, I see.”

Connor nearly jumps. “Fuck me, Jared, you scared the shit outta me.”

“I’d rather not, but I appreciate the offer.” Jared grabs onto the ladder up to his bed.

“Fuck you. I don’t even know why you hate me so much.” Connor doesn’t move, but his eyes go back to watching Evan, not in a creepy way, but more of an observant way. Jared turns and looks at Connor, letting go of the bar. He contemplates for a second, and makes a face at Connor.

“I don’t make these jokes because I hate you, you know.”

“You say them cause you’re scared of me? Because it’s so much easier to call me a stalker than to just say ‘Oh, hi, Connor, I don’t know you but I have no fucking reason to be mean to you’?” Connor raises his voice, but quickly looks down and shuts up when he realizes what he’s said and also that he doesn’t want to wake Evan up.

He has woken Evan up, but Evan doesn’t tell them that. He’s much more interested in keeping quiet and eavesdropping on the conversation taking place.

“Jesus! I tell them because that’s who I am! I’m the funny guy! I don’t want to hurt anyone-”

“While I don’t care anymore, I do call bullshit on that. You’re a worse bully than I’ll ever be, Jared.”

“You ask why I hate you and I’m trying to tell you that I don’t. Why can’t you just believe me? Are you fucking high?”

“If I was high I’d have punched you by now. But if you keep pushing it, I’ll very well punch you sober.”

Evan couldn’t see what happened next, but he was suddenly very terrified that the “angsty drunk makeout sessions” thing hadn’t been a joke, and he was about to witness it all go down.

“Can you stop being an arrogant prick for once and just believe what I’m saying?”

Evan hears Connor let out a deep sigh and decides to keep quiet for now, waiting to see if he’ll say anything else.

“Fine. Go.”

“Are you gonna believe me?”

“Maybe.”

Evan can just feel Jared rolling his eyes before he opens his mouth again. “A lot of people are scared of you. I don’t really… know if I’m one of them. But hearing what people said about you, and wanting to fit in, it was really hard to not just go along with it, and so that’s what I did. I realized when we first started sharing a room that I couldn’t keep it up much longer, and I don’t want Evan to hate me forever and I don’t think you do either, so if you’d please give me another chance, I want to say I’m sorry for keeping up this bullshit far longer than I should’ve.”

There’s an uncomfortably long silence. Evan wants nothing more than to get up and bolt out of the room because he’s heard something he knows Jared intended for Connor and only Connor, and he feels like Jared will hate him if he knows he’s been listening, and he can’t and there’s a broken friendship here and Evan’s here and he just wants to throw up and go home.

“You’re not the only person who’s mean to me, Jared. You are, however, one of the only people who’s done it to my face. Continuously. And I don’t know if you think that what you just said is gonna magically make the past two years better, but it’s not. But, I guess… I… could try to fix it. But- only if you try too.”

Jared lets out a huge breath. “Thank God! I never knew how damaging being at each other’s throats all the time could be- ugh, my tongue feels gross now.” he says, and Evan knows something is happening but doesn’t say anything because Connor is giggling now and Evan has to turn his head in because he’s smiling and doesn’t want the other two to get a clue. 

Evan decides now is a good time to let the boys know he’s woken up, so he rolls over. “Have you guys made up and made out yet? I thought you were joking when you said there were angsty makeouts between you two.” he says groggily. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. Where did that come from? He didn’t mean to say that, he just... did. Shit. Now they’re gonna know he’s been eavesdropping and use their newfound friendship to murder him.

“You just missed it.” Jared said, and hopped up onto his bed, pulling open his laptop and typing away.

“Damn shame too, we would’ve totally asked if you wanted to join.” Connor lays back on his bed and buries his face in his pillow.

Evan sits up and stretches, grabs his book, and lays back down, almost forgetting there were two more people in the room again since it had gotten so quiet.

Really uncomfortably quiet.

“Wait… how long have you been awake, Evan?” Jared asked. Evan gulped and almost laughed a little bit.

“Uh, since...uh… Connor tried to call bullshit on Jared, I think?” Evan said, sleep still in his eyes and throat.

“God Evan, you sound like a dying fish.” Connor said.

“I’ve been deprived of water. It happens. Deal with it…” Evan says, drifting off again.

“I like Sleepy Evan more than Awake Evan, I think. He doesn’t think about what he says and it’s great.” Jared laughs.

///

Alana and Zoe walk back to their dorm at around 4:00 in the afternoon, with the other eight girls who signed up for the after school self defense course. On the walk to their house, Alana and Zoe link hands and talk excitedly. Alana reaches up to kiss Zoe on the cheek twice, making Zoe go red for the rest of the walk.

“You barely paid any attention in English today, what’s up with that?” Zoe asks Alana, who has wrapped her other arm around Zoe as well and is smiling super wide now. 

“Oh, that? It’s just uh, nothing, maybe a boy…” Alana smiles.

Zoe’s heart drops. “A-a boy? Ooh, tell all!” she asks, quickly jumping back into friend mode.

“It’s nothing. Really not that important at all, I shouldn’t let him distract me from my work, no matter how intriguing he is. Anyways! What about you? Anyone in your life lately?” Alana changes the subject.

“Oh, not really.” Zoe says, trying and failing to hide the genuine sadness in her voice. “No one I’m really into, and, it’s not like any of them would give me a chance if I tried, haha.” she smiles at Alana, and the smile is obviously fake as hell, but Alana doesn’t push it because Zoe seems to be trying super hard to hide it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4 chapters and we're finally getting into the plot woo hoo
> 
> ok so i forget which one of you is bi-evan on tumblr but u did a really cute sketch of connor in his bunk bed and i cried when i saw it at school this morning
> 
> tyty for reading!!! I'm SO ready to start getting into the PLOT! (also pls tell me u like my chapter title joke i think it's hilarious)


	5. Hey Man, So I Heard You Liked Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dear Evan Hansen:  
> Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. Today Zoe was nice to you in Spanish when you couldn’t hear the video and let you look at her notes because you were too nervous to ask Mrs. Galt to turn it up. Today you understood the things you learned in Algebra and you don’t think you’re gonna get another C this year. Today someone was nice to you and listened when you talked about trees- and he closed his eyes and listened and his hair pushed against the bedpost so it was all ruffled when he moved and he was tired so his eyes were all droopy and sleepy and-”

It was cloudy on Tuesday afternoon and American Lit felt like it had been going on for an hour too long. All Zoe wanted to do was fall asleep to the vision of the grey clouds rolling across the sky, but she decided to keep her eyes on the powerpoint and her notes, because Alana sat at the window and she didn’t want to see whoever Alana was staring at.

She gripped her pencil tighter.

Zoe knew that when the two had started...whatever the hell it was they had, they had set a just friends rule. And Zoe had agreed, the idiot she was. She wanted to be happy for her best friend but how could she when she was constantly trying to fight away the fact that she had a huge crush on her?

She didn’t know. Oh well. Zoe took a deep breath and dismissed the thoughts when she realized her hand was bruising from the pencil, wiping her hand off and picking up the pencil lightly again, taking one last quick note on the Ernest Hemingway and they whole shooting himself thing before the teacher changed the slide. Zoe looked up at the clock above the window, the tick slowly becoming the loudest thing in the room and in Zoe’s brain, slowly overwhelming her and she had to look away- unfortunately, her eyes fell down to Alana, who was half taking notes, half drifting to whoever was sitting in front of her.

Zoe rolled her eyes, trying to convince herself that  Alana didn’t bother her and it was her loss on not getting the notes, and whoever she’s staring at too. Zoe’s not entirely certain who it could be and so she looks a little forward following Alana’s eyes and-

It’s Jared, Alana’s been staring at Jared fucking Kleinman and that’s who Zoe’s been jealous of this whole time- ew. The thought of Zoe actually being jealous of Jared of all people feels like something that was never meant to happen, and it feels super gross.

Either way, the world seems to spill out of Zoe and she remembers why she kept so hard from looking and the pencil is back, bruising hand be damned.

When the bell rings, Zoe is more than happy to get out of the room and meander through the hallways, when Alana links her fingers through Zoe’s purpling ones.

“Hey there!” Alana says, giggling. It’s been a little hard for Alana to get accustomed to calling Zoe her friend, and won’t even utter about the other thing that Zoe wants her to so bad.

“Hey. I caught you staring again.” Zoe giggles and immediately reprimands herself in her mind for bringing it up.

“Oh, yeah…” Alana looks off and smiles. “I think I might go talk to him.” She looks up at Zoe to get a reaction.

Zoe's mind is racing because what the  _ hell.  _ Her face is smiling though, because she's the one who brought this up. “Uh… yeah. I guess. If you want to. I don't know. It depends on who it is, really- I mean- if you think he’d take you up on it- or like- yeah.”

“Yeah. I think I might as well- like I always say, take every opportunity you get!” Alana giggles and lets go of Zoe’s hand.

“Y-yeah, definitely…” Zoe smiles.

“Okay… I'm gonna do it.” Alana says.

“Good luck.” Zoe says and watches Alana walk toward  _ his _ locker across the hall and start talking to him. He seems a little taken aback that Alana would be talking to him. Zoe is just plain grossed out. She  _ fucking hates _ Jared and what he did, and now she gets to sit there watching her best friend (badly) flirt with him and her hand hurts too.

When someone walks up to her, she doesn't look away.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“What’d you do to your hand?”

“Not important.”

“Uh, yeah it's important, it's practically purple. Does it…” they say and look in the direction Zoe’s looking in. “Oh.” They grab Zoe’s healthy hand and pull her into a side hallway.

“What? I'm fine!” She says, and she sees her brother standing in disbelief.

“I'm sorry about Alana. I really am. But what the  _ fuck  _ did you do to your hand?”

“Nothing- it’s- nothing to worry about- and she's- I don't- there's nothing-” Zoe continually cuts herself off short and her hand is swelling more/. Her hyperventilating due to it overtakes her words.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Connor puts his hands on her shoulders and tries to get her to look him in the eyes.

“Hey, what's your name?”

“Zoe.”

“How old are you?”

“Fifteen.”

“Okay, and what's my name?”

“Connor.”

“How old am I?”

“Sixteen.”

“And who am I?”

“My brother.”

“Where are we?”

“School.”

“Okay, who are our parents?”

“Larry and Cynthia.”

“Okay, where are they?”

“Back home. I think I'm good now.” Zoe’s breathing has returned to normal and Connor lets out a sigh himself. It will never cease to baffle Zoe how he manages to be so rude on a normal basis but not when she’s freaking out. “I’m sorry, it's really stupid, I shouldn't be upset like this.”

“It's okay. What happened?”

“Alana’s talking to Jared- she wants to ask him out. I can't stand it. I hate him.”

Connor tries to hide a smirk because the irony of the situation is funny but he also doesn't want Zoe to take anything the wrong way.

“Well, maybe, uh… Jared’s better now? Maybe you oughta-”

“Ought to what, Connor? I'm not going to consider forgiving until he apologizes.”

“Look, I know, but you might just have to be the one to talk to him first, you know-”

“This isn't even about that! It's about Alana. And…” Zoe doesn't finish her sentence.

“I know. I'm sorry. We should-” Connor cuts himself off now that Zoe’s glaring at him with the devil’s eyes, and he knows the sibling dislike is back. “... come on. Let's get to the infirmary.” He takes her hand and leads her back through the hallway gently.

“Connor, we have Algebra now-”

“Forget Algebra, Zo! Your hand looks like Barney the fucking dinosaur!”

Zoe shuts up. For a little while.

Zoe gets her hand iced and wrapped and Connor refuses to leave even when he gets told to go back to class, but the nurse is luckily understanding and doesn't punish him for it.

When told that Zoe did it to herself on accident, the nurse is a little suspicious but doesn't push it because these things do happen sometimes.

///

When Connor trudges back into the dorm room that afternoon, it’s dark and dusty and sad, and for once, Connor doesn’t like it. Every bit of his body is telling him to go back to his tree and do his thing, but being with Zoe for as long as he was really beat down on his appetite for his own bodily destruction.

“Are you okay?” Connor hears behind him.

“What? Oh, hey. I’m fine.” Connor says, and sits down on his bed, pulling out one of his textbooks. Evan sits down on his bed and pulls out his sketchbook.

“You draw, Hansen?” Connor says, raising an eyebrow at the book.

“Wha- oh, yeah. For AP Art. Trying to learn how to do people and stuff, instead of just, y’know, landscapes and- oh you probably don’t care, sorry.” Evan lets out a weak laugh and opens the sketchbook.

Connor rolls his eyes. “I have nothing better to do, so why the hell not? What kind of landscapes do you do?”

Evan looks up, wide-eyed, amazed that someone would ask him about his art willingly- and  _ Connor Murphy,  _ of all people. “Oh-uh-well, I-I do like, a lot of forests and trees. Kind of my passion. I worked as a park ranger this summer, so they kinda, became my specialty.”

“So you like, know a lot about trees?”

“Well- yes. I know a lot about them and their lifespans and their leaves- oh I could talk forever about the types of leaves! Did you know that some trees have leaves that are completely safe in three seasons but when they bloom in spring they become poisonous? And that those trees only live- oh wait, I’m sorry, sorry, I’ll stop.” Evan looks down quickly because he doesn’t want Connor to kill him, but Connor just giggles.

“Don’t worry. You’re funny when you ramble.” Connor smiles.

“Really? That’s- no one ever says that- most people from middle and elementary school just tell me to shut up when I talk so…”

“Well, Evan, I’m not fully awake right now and I don’t even really enjoy talking in the first place, so please do whatever the hell you want.”

And it was true. Connor was  _ not  _ adjusting to the school schedule well, and so he tended to be really tired all the time. And while Evan was funny while he rambled, he was also super cute and bumbly, and it reminded Connor of something he never got to see ever, what with his family always being mad and unresponsive with each other all the time.

So the two sat, Evan telling Connor facts and Connor just having to sit there and listen- something he could do if he really tried. It was another thing that surprised Connor- Evan could read a phonebook and Connor would still listen.

“Hello, boys!” Jared said, throwing open the door to the room and bounding in.

“That was excitable.” Connor said, monotone.

“Sorry, I’m an excitable person!” Jared grabbed his jacket from his bed and threw it on.

“Jared it’s almost 70 degrees in here, why do you need a jacket?” Evan asked.

“I’m heading out for the night- I’ve got a date!”

Connor’s eyes went wide.

“You got a date? Really? With who?” Evan looked skeptical.

“Yes, I’m not  _ that  _ repulsive. I’m going out with Alana Beck, she’s in my American Lit class.”

“Alana Beck? Isn’t she the one you kept saying-”

“Not important, Connor! What’s important is that I won’t be in here tonight.” Jared smiled. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Connor smiled back and got up, pushing past Jared and reaching for the door. “I’m going to the cafe real quick. Maybe while he’s out, Jared will learn about owning up to his past actions.” Connor slammed the door, leaving Jared stifling anger and Evan in a large cloud of confusion.

“Wait… what?” Evan said after a minute.

“Not now, Evan. I’ll see you later.” Jared grabbed his keys and opened and slammed the door again, leaving Evan to his own devices.

Evan slid open his own laptop, a grungy looking black thing that he’d inherited from his mom a couple of years back, and it had stuck with him through thin and thick. The word document was open and all he had to do was write the letter.

“Dear Evan Hansen:

Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. Today Zoe was nice to you in Spanish when you couldn’t hear the video and let you look at her notes because you were too nervous to ask Mrs. Galt to turn it up. Today you understood the things you learned in Algebra and you don’t think you’re gonna get another C this year. Today someone was nice to you and listened when you talked about trees- and he closed his eyes and listened and his hair pushed against the bedpost so it was all ruffled when he moved and he was tired so his eyes were all droopy and sleepy and-”

Evan looks up and erases what he’s written about Connor. His mind is kind of screaming  _ what the hell is your issue _ and it’s also kind of screaming  _ wow did you see how he smiled when you got excited about redwood trees and bobbed his head when he started to get really tired and- _

“Enough!” Evan is breathing heavily now. He hates getting analytical of people he knows because it makes him focus on the details too much which Dr. Sherman says isn’t good for him.

Evan closes the laptop for now.

///

Connor definitely does not intend to eat in the cafe- he just wants to grab something small and head back because the cafe is quite literally the worst place in existence.

When he reaches the assembly line, he only grabs a couple of things in containers that he can take back to the room easily, and he also grabs something for Evan because he doesn’t think he’s seen Evan eat food or even go to the cafe since the first night and he knows there’s nothing to eat in the dorm-

“Connor!” he turns around to the tapping on his shoulder.

“Oh- hey, Zoe. How’s- your hand?” Connor asks.

Zoe lifts up the wrapped hand. “It feels better, I guess. Not swelling. I’m stuck in here tonight, alone, because-”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Connor tries to be sympathetic. “He came back. Only said he was on a date.”

Zoe nods. “Okay. Well, you probably don’t wanna be stuck here anymore so, I’ll let you go.”

“Okay…” Connor trails off and Zoe starts to walk towards one tray that has no filled seats around it. “Hey, Zo. Come with me.”

Zoe looks up. “What?”

“I said, come with me.”

The Murphy siblings are walking together through the campus, approaching the tacky yellow of Connor’s dorm house.

“Con, I’m not allowed in your house, you’ll get killed-”

“I know, geez I’m only stopping to get something. Be out in a second.” Connor runs in the house and leaves Zoe outside, feeling conflicted about why her brother is being so nice to her and her best friend being on a date with someone she hates.

Soon enough, however, Connor walks out with someone else that Zoe recognizes as Evan, her giggly Spanish partner that has to suffer sharing a room with Dumb and Dumber.

“Hey, Evan.”

“Hey, Zoe.”

“So, Connor, if we’re not going to suffer through screaming teenagers or trying to smuggle me into your house then why are we out here.

“Uh… come with me.” Connor won’t say anything else walks forward, expecting Zoe and Evan to follow suit.

///

“Oh my gosh! This is one of the ones I was talking about earlier! A bradford pear, it’s green in the winter, summer, and fall, but in the spring the leaves turn white and fall from the branches. It’s pretty but the leaves tend to kill tons of other plants, it’s not pretty that way. I assume it’s indigenous to this area but why here, with all these other trees?”

“I don’t know, I just sit under here to smoke weed.”

“Connor!”

“What?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> owo whats this i like it i like it a lot
> 
> in other news, my anxiety drugs make me super tired all the time i dont deserve this
> 
> also everytime something bad happens to zoe in this seven years get taken off my life


	6. This Is Waitress The Musical (And Jared Is A Mess)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And now that I'm done- being a shithead, I'd like to formally apologize."

Connor and Evan have no idea why they’re surprised when they come back to the dorm and Jared’s already in the room, asleep- they actually ended up getting back right at curfew, spending the whole evening with Zoe at Connor’s tree. Connor felt strangely proud of himself for making Evan and Zoe laugh and was strangely at peace. Evan didn’t freak out or anything, and he didn’t yell at Zoe.

Now, back in the dorm, he and Evan were able to make nice conversation, quietly, as to not wake Jared up.

“Ugh, thank God he’s asleep. I wouldn’t have been able to deal with him.” Connor rolls his eyes.

“I thought you said you guys were gonna try.” Evan says, pulling that whole “disappointed mom” face.

“I am. I guess. Just…Jared… did some things, and he hasn’t bothered to deal with the consequences yet. And it’s shitty and stupid and sometimes I think maybe Zoe’s dragged this out way too long then I remember she lost all her friends because of it so I-”

“Connor, chill out for a second. Please. I don’t need any more injuries, and with where you’re going I feel you may kick me out the window.” Evan pleads. Connor sits back and looks down at his scarred and picked at hands, and then looks back up at Evan and nods.

“Okay. Just- be careful. Around him. And me. And everyone really. Hey- no one’s signed your cast yet.”

Evan looks down at his own arm. “Oh. Uh- yeah, no one really- offered to sign it back home, or, uh, here for that matter, so I just-”

“I’ll sign it.”

“R-Really? You don’t have to at all, it’s not-”

“I’m the one who brought it up, right? Do you have a marker?” Connor asks. Evan looks around and pulls one out of his backpack hands it to Connor, who actually gets up and sits on Evan’s bed next to him, who just smiles and breathes heavily.

Connor signs Evan’s cast in the biggest letters with the worst handwriting Evan’s ever seen, and so when he finishes, Evan takes the marker back and smiles weakly. “Uh… great. Thanks.”

Connor grins. “Go ahead. I want to hear it.”

Evan looks back up at Connor and raises his eyebrows. “What the fuck…” he says quietly, and the two simultaneously throw their heads back in laughter.

“I have the worst handwriting imaginable. I’m not sorry though, have fun with that.” Connor got up and sat back down on his own bed, leaving Evan to sigh and think about having Connor’s name in huge letters on his arm for three more weeks.

The conversation simmers down since it’s like way past lights out now and getting in trouble is the last thing the two need.

The thought is: _what can I do to make it better?_ Because Jared’s been lying awake on his bed the entire time and heard everything Connor said- damn insomnia.

///

Two days later, on Saturday morning, most students are recovering from the first bit of school and haven’t left their beds. Room 1C of the Iris House, however, did not have these students.

Alana jolts up in bed, breathing heavily. She and Jared had been together again the night before, and he kissed her on the cheek, and it was wonderful and underwhelming, and she didn’t know why.

She’d been staring at him for the entire two weeks they’d been in class, and had even gone out of her way to talk to him, so why was it so… weird? Was it because Zoe hated him? Maybe. She hated him at first too, by association, but she didn’t know why, really- well, she knew what happened, and she knew that Jared and Zoe cut off all communication after it, but she didn’t show up until their sophomore year so it wasn’t like she was there for it- for Zoe losing all her friends, and Connor almost beating the life out of Jared- Alana shuddered, she heard it was really bad and she was ecstatic she wasn’t there for it.

She didn’t know what to do, so she laid back down in bed and pulled her covers over her.

///

Connor watches Evans hands work together to move the pencil across the sketchbook, moving swiftly and with apparent accuracy- Evan barely has to erase anything. The room is silent because Jared hasn’t stirred all morning and Evan can’t tell that Connor is awake yet- and he’s not really sure if he wants him to.

Things are serene, and so all three of the boys jump a little when an unfamiliar jingle starts to play, and Jared jumps up and leaves the room with his phone in hand, leaving the other two startled.

Now, Jared is right outside the door, so without realizing, they can hear _everything_ Jared says on the phone.

“What’s happening this time?”

“Oh, well I-”

“No. I can’t.”

“No, you guys don’t realize, I can’t go to the mall. Remember? I’m banned? Because of _you?”_

“What do you mean it’s not your fault? It so fucking is.”

Connor sits up and doesn’t say anything, but just gives Evan a questioning look, and Evan just shrugs in return.

“What? You want to sneak me back in again so you can shove more things in my bag without my knowledge? So that you guys can try to steal things and then me be the one who gets in trouble again? I got _arrested_ because of you.”

“No- you guys haven’t talked to me in a week! You only talk to me again when you want to use me to do shitty things and then pin the blame on me when we get caught.”

“No. Fuck off. I’m not doing it. I’m done being used by you. Half the places downtown won’t hire me because of my shoplifting charges. I’m trying to make friends with people like my roommates and they hate me because of a stupid rumor _you_ started. You ruined Zoe’s life and mine! And now you want to use me again! _Wonderful._ Fuck you, assholes!” Jared says and nearly slams the door walking back in, but slowly closes it behind him when he sees Evan and Connor looking expectantly at him. He sighs and throws his phone up on his bed.

“You guys… heard all of that. Okay.”

Connor opens his mouth to say something, but Evan beats him to it. “Am I finally gonna find out what the fuck happened? Because I’ve been in the dark for a couple weeks and I tried to stay out of it at first but now it’s just really annoying and-sorry. Yeah.”

“I’m very confused as well. But by the sounds of it, Jared really needs to explain himself to some people.” Connor crosses his arms.

“Okay, so-”

“Not me. I just heard you do all that yelling.”

Jared rolls his eyes. “Alright.”

///

After a strange phone call with Alana, it was now known that Zoe was not in their dorm room. When Alana had asked where she was going, she didn’t answer. Alana would’ve pressed the issue, but she just huffed and rolled over in her bed instead.

Which led now to Evan, Connor, and Jared maneuvering their way through the outskirts of the campus as quietly as possible.

“So I had to traipse all the way back here to find you. That’s okay.”

“What the hell do you want this time?”

Jared gave an understanding nod to the fifteen year old sitting under the short and leaf-abundant tree that looked oh-so out of place in the forest next to the tall and stout trees.

“Okay. I deserve that. But, I do have some things to say, and I want to know if you’ll let me say them. Something I should’ve said two years ago.”

Zoe is picking at the grass and looks up at Jared and gives a meek smile. “I’m so tired of this.” she giggles. “I’ve been mad at you for too long. Go ahead.”

Jared doesn’t move, and looks at Zoe through the branches. “Okay. Uhm. I’m not- gonna try to blame this on my- now ex-friends, because they may have started a shitty rumor, but I’m the one who handled it badly. So-uh- let me say that- I’m... “ Jared has to take a deep breath and kicks himself internally so he can get the words out. “I’m a bad person, Zoe. And I hung out with bad people. And now that I’m done- being a shithead, I want to formally apologize. For cutting you off. For letting you take all the heat. And when it was over, you were alone.” Jared stops to look at Zoe’s face. She’s just listening.

“And I wanted to get up and say something. And I wanted to beat the shit out of those guys. But- I let my stupid pride get in the way and- I- I’m sorry... Now please say something because I really hate this."

It takes a couple moments after Jared has poured his heart and mind out for Zoe to acknowledge it, and when she does, she scoots over and pats the ground next to her and says “Come on. Sit.”

Jared takes a second to actually comply with Zoe’s wishes, but he does and sits next to her awkwardly, their backs against the tree.

“Is this where I find out what happened?”

“Fuck off, Evan.”

“But-”

“By that I mean shut up, Jesus Christ!”

Zoe looks Jared in the eyes, but looks completely calm. It’s completely different from the Zoe that Jared used to know, it was a morbidly happy Zoe.

“I… it’s hard to explain myself. But you know that you fucking ruined my life, and that’s all that’s important.” she pats his knee. “Don’t act all surprised, Kleinman, you call my brother a school shooter about four times a day.”

Jared nods. “Fair enough.”

“I have no desire to go into all that, though.”

Evan fought the urge to slam his head into the tree.

“I’m considering forgiving you- mainly, because it’s been so long, I’m fucking over it now. One thing- you’re gonna have to work with me on this, we don’t have to be _friends-_ ”

“Oh I don’t mind, I lost all my other ones.”

“Wow, now you know how it feels! Second thing- you dare hurt Alana, you get murdered.” Zoe almost bites her tongue on her words- suddenly her love for Alana didn’t feel so burning when forgiving Jared became an option.

“Of course. Absolutely.”

“And third- you help me kick those guys’ asses.”

“Deal.”

Jared and Zoe shake hands awkwardly, but when Zoe busts out laughing, Jared follows, and it feels really fucking strange for both of them.

“Um, Zoe?’

“Yes, Jared?”

“I’m like 99% sure your brother and Evan followed me here. That being said, I’m totally down for making this awkward for them.”

“You’re on.”

“No, no, there’s no need.” Connor and Evan appear from behind a tree with their hands up in defeat and Zoe frowns.

“Dang it, I’m always up for an opportunity to make Connor uncomfortable- _especially_ after that shitty conversation Jared and I just had.”

The two surrendering boys join the other two on the ground, and Connor stretches his legs out to be against the tree in between Jared and Zoe. Zoe is still not letting Jared touch her.

“So have you guys all compromised my spot? Where am I gonna smoke weed now?” Connor asks nonchalantly.

“Maybe… just maybe…. You could stop?” Zoe asks.

“No. I’m just gonna do it in the dorm room.” Connor scoffs.

Evan sighs. “Oh please no, I haven’t had an asthma attack in ages.  
“Get over it, princess!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit oh shit this is the worst chapter i've ever written im so sorry
> 
> im also sorry for the late update im in tech for rent all week we open tomorrow rip
> 
> pls leave a comment or kudos if u like it builds my self esteem!!


	7. Boo Boo the Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know! We light their cars on fire.”
> 
> “Connor, please stop suggesting that.”
> 
> “It’s a perfect plan!”
> 
> “Where do we get the materials to do that anyway, hm?”
> 
> “You’re talking to me.”
> 
> “Point taken. Still, no car fires. Something that won’t get us arrested, please.”

“We should really start with something simple, like… putting pictures of their faces all over the school? Maybe with drawings on them?”

“Lana, I love you, but that’s kinda lame.”

“Or maybe we could spread rumors, like, uh, the whole sex, pregnancy, suicide thing.”

“That’s the exact same thing they did to Jared and I. And I just can’t do that morally, really.”

“Oh- of course. I guess I just- thought maybe like a ‘taste of their own medicine’ thing?”

“It’s okay, Evan, we’re not gonna do that.”

“I know! We light their cars on fire.”

“Connor, please stop suggesting that.”

“It’s a perfect plan!”

“Where do we get the materials to do that anyway, hm?”

“You’re talking to me.”

“Point taken. Still, no car fires. Something that won’t get us arrested,  _ please.” _

“Zoe, if we don’t risk arrest we’ll be stuck with whatever lame ass ideas Alana and I come up with.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Evan. We just gotta think as stupidly as these guys.”

Alana, Jared, Zoe, Connor, and Evan were sat in a circle under the iconic tree that Connor had somehow allowed them to compromise (he swore that he never should’ve showed it to them). Planning was under way for “Jared and Zoe’s Epic Revenge”, as it had been called, and the other three had been called upon to help in developing the perfect plan- which may not have been the best idea, in hindsight, because Connor kept suggesting things he  _ knew  _ would get them arrested, Evan kept suggesting things that would get them arrested and he just didn’t realize it, and Alana wasn’t even tapping the surface of real revenge, just pranks. There seemed to be a consensus to not get arrested, however, because Jared has insisted that it was  _ not  _ very fun.

“Anyway, I technically have a record because of these fuckers, so I say we try to get them arrested. All I know is that they have an affinity for blowing things way out of proportion- all we gotta do is dump a couple of buckets of water on their head, steal a couple important assignments, maybe some other shit- I’d say they’d be after our asses in a couple weeks, tops.” Jared smirks and leans back into the tree, and Connor perks up.

“I like this idea. What about we get gas-”

“CONNOR.”

“Not sorry.”

///

It had taken a while for them to come up with a solid plan, but many of Jared’s ideas had come into play. The five kids, whenever they had a class with one of the assholes, spent a lot of that time sneaking and sliding papers away from them- instructions, worksheets, anything. It turned out to be really satisfying to see them get so frustrated.

 

Things got a little more interesting when it was water bucket time. The entire operation- headed by Connor and Jared- involved somehow managing to get out of class just before it ended and mad dashing for the woodshop. When they were younger, Zoe had taught Connor how to pick locks with bobby pins, a skill he was much thankful for now. The woodshop was closed, so the guys didn’t have to worry about being caught for now.

“Uhh. There! The big heavy one.” Connor pulled out a large bucket and poured the wood scraps out, tossing it to Jared, who almost crumbled under its weight.

“Jesus, this is heavy. It’s going to hurt someone very badly.” Jared smiles evilly. “It’s perfect.”

After an adventure to get it filled that involved Jared accidentally spraying Connor all over the face and Jared promptly getting slapped, they made their way to the ajar drama classroom, where the intended targets of the ol’ water bucket trick always sat closest to the door.

“And now, we wait… inconspicuously.” Jared whispered, and he and Connor snuck back into the boy's bathroom.

Once the bell rang, all hell broke loose. The door slid open, and the two assholes got exactly what was coming to them.

Soon enough, there was water all over the floor and people laughing and the other, innocent drama kids, scooting past yelling “Don’t let the flyers get wet!”

Speaking of flyers, the drama kids were now handing out flyers to each and every person standing around the accident, which was now being attended to. Jared and Connor stood in the doorway of the bathroom, watching it all unfold, when Dahlia, one of the theatre kids, approached them. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted one of the doused assholes giving Jared death glares, so she skipped right over him and shoved a flyer in Connor’s face.

“You should really consider auditioning, Connor. You’re practically an exact replica of the male lead.” she snorted and walked away.

Jared and Connor met eyes then gazed down at the paper.

///

“September 29th- auditions for the Hughes Boarding School Drama Department’s Production of  _ Heathers: The Musical.”  _ Connor made a gagging noise then handed the paper to his sister, giving her and Evan a chance to look at it.

“Is that the one with all the murder? I did all the shows last year for community credit we’ve never done anything that crazy!” Alana trails off.

“No- this is perfect! Well- wouldn’t it be? Get into something as intimate as a show, that’s all the more ways to fuck with them.” Evan says, taking the flyer from Zoe.

“Yeah, you’re right! Those two direct everything. I’m in jazz band though, so I already have to be in the orchestra- it’s one of our major assignments.” Zoe sighed.

“I used to stage manage all the shows, but I think after I told them to fuck off and that they were the ones who should’ve gotten arrested, that title got revoked- and really, my ability to have anything to do with the show.” Jared laughed.

“I could  _ never  _ get on a stage and perform- I mean, I just-”

“Don’t worry, Evan, we wouldn’t make you do that.”

Evan let out a deep breath. “Oh, thank gosh. I guess that just leaves…”

Jared, Zoe, and Evan turn their heads.

Connor and Alana share a moment of eye contact.

“... Oh Jesus Christ alright. But I might drop out if I get anything more than ensemble.”

“That’s not what nine-year-old already en pointe Connor would’ve said.”

“Fuck off, Zoe.”

“Make me.”

Alana grabbed Connor’s arm and pulled him back before he jumped on his sister. “Hold it! This will all be fine. But actually, I’m gonna have to ask you to not keep that promise, because if you leave me in the dust with this revenge plan, Murphy, someone’s gonna wake up without any arms.

Everyone’s eyes went wide looking at Alana for a minute.

“Jesus, when did you get so fucking dark?” Connor said.

“Since I took on five different extracurriculars. Let me be as sassy as you guys, sometimes.” Alana smirked.

“That’s my girl!” Jared said and high-fived her. Alana smiled and leaned in, kissing Jared on the cheek. Which was immediately met by Zoe shielding Evan’s eyes and Connor fake barfing.

“Oh grow up, you three.”

///

Date night for the two lovebirds- they’d taken off to some downtown cafe that Jared  _ wasn’t _ banned from, leading to Evan and Connor being alone in the dorm room again. It was quiet for an hour or two, even though neither of the boys were doing anything of particular importance, but every so often Evan would poke his head up, as if he were to say something to Connor, but it took a while for him to sit up and actually say something.

“Nine-year-old already en pointe Connor?”

“OH MY GOD.”

“Tell me- what does that mean-though? Were you a dancer?”

“Still am, Evan.” 

“Oh- that’s-that’s really cool. I remember seeing ‘West Side Story’ when I was like, twelve… I always freaked out at the swing dance scene- it looked really cool. I wish I could do that.” Evan sighed. Connor smirked and sat up.

“All you need is a willing teacher.”

“No, no, I definitely have two left feet, I could never ever do that.”

“Oh please, I learned to dance. You can’t be  _ that  _ bad.” Connor said, then paused a moment. “Actually, nevermind, forget that.”

Evan rolled his eyes and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I couldn’t, why would I-need that anyway, I’ll probably never learn.”

“I’ll teach you.”

“What?”

“We already share a room every night, I’m about to embarrass myself auditioning for the motherfucking school musical, what could possibly go wrong? Plus, it's just kinda boring in here. And I'm starting to get a headache.” Connor may have been working on his anger management issues, but his stubbornness was a force to be reckoned with.

“No, no, because then I’ll embarrass myself- I- I can't do that.” Evan tried to lay back down.

“Evan, I’m sober, bored as fuck, and currently not seeing our roommate.” Connor extended his hand vigorously. “Are you gonna fucking dance with me or not.”

“Yeah, the entire room kinda smells like weed…but...I… I can’t, I- is this peer pressure? Zoe warned me about this-” Evan started, but was cut off by Connor pulling him up to his feet.

“You talk too damn much, Jesus.”

“Sorry.”

“Okay, so you step back like this…”

And so the uncanny sight of Connor Murphy, the angriest guy on the planet, teaching Evan Hansen, fidgeter of the year, how to swing dance was the sight Jared walked into when he got back from his date.

“I was wondering what that giggling and music was. I'm sorry I interuppted your weird sex ritual.”

Evan dropped his hands and Connor immediately went back to stone cold. “Sorry you're back. It must be hard coming out of your trash can.”

“Guys.” Evan nearly whispered, and Connor unfolded his arms, looking at Jared expectantly.

“...Sorry… and for what it's worth, it looked like you guys were having a lot of fun.” Jared shrugged.

“Well… there is one way you could make it up…” Connor smirked, and Jared gulped for his life.

“Dear Lord. What is it?”

“You could let us teach you.”

Evan giggled and looked up at the other two. “Three way swing dance party!”

“In our dorm room? It's so small in here.” But Jared got no response, only Evan and Connor grabbing him by the arms and turning the music back on.

“Connor, are you high right now?”

“Absolutely not.”

“That explains a lot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is gamers!! im so READY i feel like im actually getting SOMEWHERE with this fic rn (see matt i told u i could do it!!!)  
> also jared's exes dont get names, they're asshats.
> 
> also, this will not be the only plot conflict. that'd be lame. but oh Shit is it gonna get worse.
> 
> ANOTHER THING: "light their cars on fire" someone's gonna wake up without any arms" "jesus when did you get so fucking dark" p l e a s e tell me someone's getting these references


	8. Connor Is Mindfucked, Jared Is Confused, Alana is Surprised, Zoe is Injured (And Evan Isn't Here)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh my God, I have to murder Alana? I don't know if I can do that morally."

On the morning of _Heathers_ auditions, also the first day of Parent Visit Weekend, Jared, Zoe, and Evan are rushing out to the parking lot, an overnight bag slung over Evan’s shoulder; Evan’s mom was taking him home for parent visit weekend to get his cast off.

Heidi jumps out of one of the only parked cars and gives Evan a big hug when he gets to her, taking the bag from him and waving at the other two.

“Evan, are these your friends?”

Evan turns around, smiling and nodding. “Yeah- I, I guess. Mom, this is Zoe, a-and Jared.”

Zoe outstretches her hand, but Heidi hugs both of them- and Evan face palms.

“It's so nice to meet you. Evan mentioned he met some people on our phone calls, it's so wonderful that he has friends.”

“Okay, mom! That's quite enough!” Evan says, barging into the conversation, but Zoe and Jared are all awkward giggles.

“Well- you have an appointment at 5 so we’d better get going.” Heidi says, grabbing Evan’s hand and squeezing it.

“Right. I'll see you guys Monday night! Tell Señora I got sent to purgatory- and that it's better than her class.” Evan says, directing the last bit at Zoe, who nods.

“Will do.”

“And if you happen to pick up a hot date while visiting home, don't forget to introduce us.” Jared winks.

Evan rolls his eyes as he gets into the car, but waves when his mom pulls out, Zoe and Jared waving back.

“They seem so interesting!” Heidi exclaims once she's safe on the road.

Once Evan’s mom’s car is out of sight, Jared and Zoe turn around and walk up the pavement before the turn to the boy's and girl’s dorms.

“Hey, maybe after Connor and Alana get out we can go get coffee downtown or something!” Jared suggests.

“Uh, yeah, sure. I'll ask Alana to text once she's back so we know what's happening.” Zoe says.

“Perfect- woah, is your side okay?” Jared points out, and Zoe looks down at the purplish bruise poking out from her crop top, and she pulls her shorts up, covering it more.

“I walked into the side of Rosario’s bed. I know.” Zoe rolled her eyes. “It's nothing, really.”

Jared was concerned, but dropped it for now. “Okay, I'll see you later then.” And the two went their separate ways.

///

Connor, Alana, Jared, and Zoe managed to get themselves situated with their coffees at the downtown cafe- three had gotten nice hot coffees since they’d had to get up so early that morning, but Jared went straight for the iced coffee/ice cream mashup filled disaster he loved so much (Alana swore he was going to explode from sugar intake one day).

“So, how were auditions?” Zoe prods.

“There was literally just enough people to cast the show. They said it’d be up within an hour or two- and that was about an hour ago.” Connor sighed.

Jared smirked. “Well it’s nice to know their numbers are going down. Did you think of any ways to fuck with them during the show?”

“No.”

“I did!” Alana says. “I thought maybe if like, they can’t afford to get another actor and let us go from the show, we could keep changing things and messing things up on purpose. Make ‘em upset.”

“I guess that could work. What about we keep doing things that relate to the show- end it with slipping rat poison or whatever in their drinks.” Connor says, and Zoe opens her mouth to protest, but before she can, Jared perks up.

“We’re trying to get them in trouble with the school or arrested maybe, not murder them. Maybe we could slip drain cleaner in someone _else’s_ drink and blame it on _them_!” he exclaims.

Zoe sits up and puts her hands down on the table. “We’re not murdering anyone. I hate these fuckers and the fact they tried to tell everyone whatever, but I refuse to resort to killing.”

“It would be a sweet opposite from the baby Murphy-Kleinman rumors. A bit of dramatic irony.” Connor sighs, and both Jared and Zoe slam their heads into the table.

“If you don’t shut up now, Connor, I’m going to murder _you._ ”

“That’s all I’ve ever really wanted. I’d get to be with the nonexistent child in hell.”

“CONNOR.”

Connor put his hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay.”

“Remind me to never let Connor near a child.” Alana scoots her chair further away, and the other three laugh. She shook her head and turned back to her drink. “So, I’m assuming Evan’s left for the weekend.”

Zoe and Jared nod. “His mom is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met.” Jared decides, and Zoe nods in agreement.

“If anything, just to piss Evan off for no reason.”

“Your guy’s parents coming? My moms ‘ll be here tomorrow- we’re going to the Anthropology Museum together!” Alana’s eyes light up.

“Yeah, our parents are coming in tonight.” Zoe says, and Connor gives her a confused look. “You knew that, blockhead. They’re making us go to that Chinese place they went on their first date to.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Shit. Forgot.”

Jared shrugs. “I don’t have my car yet, so I can’t go visit mom. Dad’s on leave in Germany right now, so I guess I’m stuck with me and my graphic design program for the weekend.”

Jared would never tell them- he’s got street cred to maintain, obviously- that he actually has no idea who or where his dad is. He’s been living off the full ride the school gave him and compensation money from the government to go visit his mom in the mental health ward whenever they’ll let him- which is not very often.

“I’ll be here. We can do more couple things that aren’t brainstorming how to mess two other people’s lives up.” Alana smiles.

“Okay, that plan’s made, I don’t want to hear anymore.” Zoe says, and Connor laughs.

“That means eat dinner together or see a movie or something. I am a good child of the nameless God please and thank you and amen.” Jared says.

The banter continues for another half hour and Connor manages to go through two more coffees before Alana feels a violent buzzing in her pocket and pulls out her phone to a pretty little email.

“List is up!” she calls, and Connor leans over her shoulder to see the list.

“Ooh, what did you guys get?” Zoe asks from across the table.

“I’m Heather!” Alana calls.

“Which one?”

“...Chandler.” Alana smirks. Jared gives her a big high five.

Connor looks at the list. “Oh my God, I have to murder Alana? I don’t know if I can do that morally.” he says, then thinks for a second before talking again. “J-D. Trenchcoat guy. Awesome.”

“I always knew you could do it, Connor. Even if it means blowing yourself up onstage.” Zoe says sarcastically.

Connor leans back in his chair. “God I wish that were me in real life. But this will have to do.”

“Wait, Connor’s the male lead? They must have been _desperate._ ” Jared says.

“You’d be surprised. Connor’s entire music library is showtunes.”

“ZOE.”

“EXPOSED. Not even sorry.”

Connor holds himself back from lashing out when Jared and Alana start to laugh.

“That makes total sense. I can see you always wanting to pretend to be someone else. A hard, darkened soul with no one to turn to except the fictional characters who tap dance over graves.” Jared elaborates, and Connor launches a rolled up straw cover at him.

///

Evan Hansen _hates_ hospitals.

He hates the people always running around in their creepy stark white uniforms always smiling at he and his mom, all the rooms they walk by where Evan just _knows_ there’s someone in there who’s in pain or possibly dying.

Anyone in any one of those rooms could be flatlining right next to Evan- a family could be losing a grandfather, or a mom in childbirth, or a young child losing their fight against one of the tons of conditions they could have.

Someone could lose someone very important to them, and their entire world could be lost, and another death could be added to the horrible death aura this godforsaken place had.

And Evan was here to get his cast off.

Because he threw himself out of a tree.

Sure, Evan saw the gift shop with “get well soon” signs and teddy bears and flower bouquets, and he saw the little kids laughing with their siblings in their wheelchairs and oxygen tanks in the food court, across from an elderly woman spoonfeeding her husband his dinner.

Sure, he saw the people who were overjoyed to be checking out and going home- recovered or close too it.

“Evan Hansen, we have an appointment- to get his cast taken off?”

But all Evan could think about was the death.

Evan was scared of death. Why? He’d been so intent upon it just a few months back! Well, the thing was, Evan was scared of death back then too. But he was more scared of life. He was scared of interactions and responsibilities and seeing places and having to make plans and fucking everything up so one summery day, when there was nothing to worry about, Evan thought he could end it all before he started.

“Of course, you can sit right there, the doctor’ll be out in a second.”

And, like the fuckup he was, he failed at that too.

It’d gotten passed off as a simply falling out of the tree on accident, but his mom was still worried as hell. In truth, Heidi didn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t know Evan was okay, and she’d never forgive herself if anything were to happen to him.

Evan saw it differently. Evan realized that trying to kill himself was technically a sin, but he didn’t want to make things harder for his mom. He saw how hard she worked just to give him 20s to buy dinner on nights when she had class, and realized that things probably could’ve been so much better if she could only worry about herself.

“Evan Hansen?”

More steps into the cold, white, abyss of saline and metal tools that could rip earrings out by magnetic force.

People getting hurt and leading more people to wait just to get the help they need.

Maybe that’s why Evan attempted.

To make sure people wouldn’t have to wait for him anymore. Let the people who want help get help, be his guest.

Even right now- was there really a need to get his cast off? He may just attempt again tomorrow.

Evan looks down at his phone- text notification from Connor. A screenshot of the cast list- he and Alana had both gotten leads. Good for them. For the people they were trying to mess with, not so much.

Evan thought about Connor. Someone Evan was so confused about. He seemed so much like himself and yet- not? Connor had an affinity for smoking weed in the dorm room, for one, and liked to wear black and didn’t care about getting onstage in front of hundreds of people.

But it also seemed like as soon as he and Jared decided to compromise and try to get along, Connor had a quick connection to Evan. Connor got fidgety over the same things Evan did and he quite liked observing him. Connor seemed so suave yet so angry- not caring about anything yet getting upset over everything.

That’s it- they both tended to be emotional- sure Connor was more emotional when he was high- and abusive, at that- but he cared about a lot of things, and Evan could tell. Connor notices when Evan is terrified of something, and he seems to be able to smell when Zoe’s in trouble. Even the week before, he saw Connor threaten someone who was taunting Alana. May not have been the right way to go about things, but it was a nice effort for someone like Connor.

Evan shook his head and reluctantly returned to reality because the doctor was about to take a saw to his arm.

///

That afternoon, Connor and Zoe wait outside the parking lot when the fancy antique Cadillac they’ve been ever so slightly dreading pulls into the parking lot, and Cynthia and Larry Murphy are suddenly there, rushing to hug their kids.

They’re pleasantly surprised when Connor lets them hug him, and Zoe too, but she flinches a little bit whenever either of them pull out.

“You both look so good! I trust they’ve been feeding you well.” Cynthia says.

“We’ve only been gone for a month, mom. Not much to worry about yet.” Connor said.

“Well you never know, guys. You never know _what_ they’re putting in that food.” Cynthia sticks out a finger and the other three laugh a little bit.

When they reach the tiny Chinese restaurant on the other side of downtown, dinner is mostly quiet except for some light conversation between Cynthia and Zoe.

“What happened to your hand, sweetie?”

“Oh- I hurt it a couple weeks ago. I’ll be fine in a little bit, no worries.” Zoe insists.

“A-are you sure? If it was a couple weeks ago, something crazy must’ve happened…”

“It’s fine mom, I assure you. Connor’s gonna be the male lead in the school musical.”

Connor looks up from the table to give Zoe a death glare.

“Oh really? That’s wonderful sweetie, I’m so proud of you!” Cynthia exclaims.

“What show is it?” Larry inquires.

Connor sighs loudly. “It’s called _Heathers_. It was a movie at some point.”

“Oh yeah- I remember when that came out. I never saw it, though. Fashion movies were only for girls back then.” Larry said. Zoe and Connor shared a look of ‘ _you have no idea_ ’.

“I didn’t see it either. We just didn’t have a movie theater where I lived- probably wouldn’t have been into it anyway… But I’m sure you’ll be great though, Connor! It’s wonderful that you’re putting yourself out there.”

“Zoe’s gonna be in the orchestra too.”

“Oh, really!”

“Yeah- but it’s mandatory for us. Not important, really.”

“But it's really wonderful that you guys are getting out there. I'm so happy for you two!” Cynthia says in excitement.

As they leave, Larry leans over to whisper to Zoe.

“Your brother looks like he’s getting better.”

“He is, dad. He hasn't lashed out a lot or yelled- and he's only gotten high a couple times.” Zoe insists.

“Well, make sure to keep an eye on him.”

“Of course, dad.”

“Your sister seems on edge lately.” Cynthia says to Connor.

“Yeah- I don't know.”

“And what's with all the injuries?”

“I don't know. I've asked once or twice but she tries to brush it off.” Connor sighs. He wishes Zoe would talk to him, because it kills him to see her hurt, but he can't because she’s still learning to trust him again.

When they get back to the school and their parents finally leave, Connor convinces Zoe to go up to the roof of the gym, where they lay in complete silence and watch the sky go from teal to pink to orange to purple to blue to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were you expecting Alana to be someone else? Why? Weirdos smh
> 
> also this is a long boy sorry
> 
> im so tired and there was just a very strange ordeal with hot sauce a few minutes ago?? I need to stop putting it on absolutely everything I eat


	9. High-Way To Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We might regret this.”  
> “I know.”

“There he iiiiiiiiiis!” Jared proclaimed in a sing-songy voice in beat with Connor’s rhythmic clapping as Evan appeared in the doorway and did a ballerina bow, sliding the overnight bag off his shoulder.

Monday evening, and room 2C of the Palm House was alive with laughter and Jared’s terrible singing while Evan showed off his cast-less arm.

“Evan Hansen, modeling his new and improved left arm, which spent six weeks in incubation to prepare for this moment of stellar fashion statement- the look is accompanied by a Chanel slept-in grey t-shirt, and Versace middle school gym sweatpants.” Connor called in an announcer voice, with his hands cupped around his mouth. Evan danced around for a moment or two before sitting down, and the three erupted into laughter.

“I have no idea what just happened.” Jared said, causing the other two to laugh more.

“It makes me feel better about the shitty hospital visit.” Evan groaned.

“All hospitals suck. I am sorry.” Connor said in solidarity.

“You know what else sucks? I saw someone trip someone else on the walk back in. It was too dark to see, but it was sad.” Evan sighed, pulling off his shoes.

“Oh no, they got the drug dogs over at the Artemis house yesterday. Thank fuck they’re nowhere near this house, because then we’d  _ all  _ be in trouble. And I can’t afford that.” Jared says.

“What? You have enough strikes to get expelled for finding  _ my  _ drugs in our room?” Connor taunts, and Jared shakes his head a little bit- he  _ literally can’t afford that. _

“I can’t believe I missed the dogs! I’m so mad at myself.”

“They had a job to do, Evan.”

“I’d appreciate if you stopped- crushing my dreams, thank you.”

And Connor laughs. A little too loudly. And it causes Evan to laugh again too, throwing his head back and being as loud as he wants to. It makes Connor smile, seeing Evan so unafraid to say snappy things and laugh. He had stopped caring about so much at the beginning of the year- so when he decided to try and be friends with Jared and grew closer to Evan and Alana and even his sister, it was a little relieving to be thinking about Evan’s laughter than his own shit.

Evan reminded Connor of himself- but...better. He was polite and didn’t speak out at bad times or punch anyone like Connor did, and Evan was able to go from a stuttering, worrisome, mess of a person to an almost functioning member of society which was something Connor had yet to do and-

Okay, Connor didn’t know why he saw so much of himself in Evan.

It was almost like he was...the person Connor could’ve been.

And for some odd reason, Connor liked it. He liked being around Evan. Maybe he had all this false hope pinned on Evan’s growth somehow letting Connor become a better person but in all honesty Connor knew Evan was still fragile and he’d probably break him and then Evan wouldn’t ever want to talk to him again.

And then Jared’s face is right in front of Connor’s, hanging down from the bed.

“Hey.”

“ _ Jesus!” _

“Language, Connor.”

Connor flew back and almost banged his head into the wall. And instead of retaliating or smacking Jared, he… laughed. And Evan laughed. And Jared laughed, and had to catch himself from falling out of his five-foot tall bed, which made all three of them laugh even more, until there was no laughter left because they’d done it so much that night.

“Fair attempts to get Connor out of La-La-Land- I actually just now realized I could do that and I must say, what a foolproof method.”

Connor kicked up the mattress above him. “Watch yourself, Jared.”

And Jared giggled. And Evan giggled.

And maybe things would be okay.

///

“Alright, now don’t forget to sign up on the bulletin down the hall if you want to be a part of the orchestra for the Drama Club’s production of  _ Heathers _ , if you’re the only student of mine with a certain instrument you are required to, I’m sorry, but you will get lots of extra credit for it. Have a good day, everyone!” the teacher calls as his jazz band students are packing up their things. Zoe, like her peers, is packing up her guitar- the only guitar in that class- and sighs as she picks up the case and bolts out the door to the bulletin on the other side of the hall, scribbling down “Zoe Murphy - Jazz Guitar” on the sheet advertising orchestra sign-ups. As she turns to head down the hall, one of the group’s targets walks past her and stops, his hand wrapped around her waist.

“Zoe! Playing guitar for  _ Heathers _ ?” he asks.

“Well, that is what I just signed up for.”

“Great!” he says and starts to walk away, but stops abruptly again, his fingers lingering on her stomach. “I knew we could count on you.”

Nodding, Zoe pulls out as soon as she can and scampers down the hall while people are snickering at her and whispering things to each other.p

When she turns the corner, she almost turns away again, because Jared is standing at Alana’s locker and they're getting all flirty and  _ gross. _ But, Zoe’s feeling daring, and she doesn't need her probably still crush and best friend acting all mushy, regardless of whether she’s friends with Jared now or not, so she strides up to the two.

“Get a room maybe?” Zoe chides.

“Only if you care to join us.” Jared winks and Zoe looks down, not laughing. “Sorry- I meant that as a joke, I'm sorry.”

And there's a moment of silence.

“Well, we have our first Heathers rehearsal in a few minutes once the bell rings again so I have to go find your brother and drag him over there.” Alana nodded and started to walk away before Zoe stopped her.

“Why do you have to drag him?  _ He  _ auditioned?”

“Oh yeah, but he definitely drank himself silly before even going in. He wouldn’t have done it at all if it weren’t for the revenge plan.” Alana shivered. “Connor is a very weird drunk.”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Don’t get me started. Good luck!”

Alana winks at Zoe and Jared before backing away. “Not the proper term for actors, but I appreciate the sentiment.”

///

Connor and Alana ended up being a good five minutes late to the first meeting, much to Alana’s horror, but it seemed almost like nothing as people were still chatting it up with their seat partners when they slipped down into seats at the back.

“Okay, okay, everyone hello, hi, I know most of you already, so I’m just gonna cut to the chase- welcome to the first day of  _ Heathers _ !” an overtly cheery person said lugging a cardboard box behind them. To Connor and Alana, the guy had a huge target painted across his chest.

“So if you come get your scripts, we’re gonna start by going over some basics and then we’ll read through, okay? And some-uh- executive decisions made by all the directors up here, we decided that there was some material that was too risque for our school to be putting out there, so we have decided to change most of the cursing and innuendos and downplay some of the drinking and- uh- other scenes.” and there are lots of groans and some giggles from the people who realize what “other scenes” means.

Connor and Alana share a look. “I think we’ve found our main plan.” Connor whispers, and Alana nods excitedly.

“Alright, I’ll call out your names to get scripts and we can read.”

The read actually doesn’t go too badly, and some people compliment Connor and he smiles a little bit and it scares the shit out of everyone because  _ this isn’t how things are supposed to go _ but they also don’t question it because this is the theatre and it’s almost like no one gives a shit what anyone is like outside of that room, and to Connor it feels…

Really really weird. Unnatural. He is  _ not  _ used to this.

This was a bad decision, Connor decides.

But he also decides he’s not giving up on it.

Had Connor not been sober, that would not have been the case.

We’re lucky he was.

Maybe.

///

“Okay boys, I’m off for the night.” Jared says that cool Wednesday night.

“Where to this time, oh young traveller?” Connor mocks.

“I’m obviously going to the 7 pm fall break kegger on a Wednesday that’s going to get shut down in about… twelve minutes. No, I’m going out with Alana.”

“You go out with her a lot. I know you’re dating and all, but it’s almost every night you’re together.” Evan says suspiciously.

“Well…” Jared starts and immediately regrets it when Connor sits up and puts his fist under his chin.

“Well…?”

“Okay, you can’t say anything, but… Alana’s been tutoring me.”

“Ha!”

“Connor!”

“Sorry.”

“Yeah- turns out I really suck at English. And I risk losing my scholarship if I fail so I asked my girlfriend who’s basically a wizard to help me.” Jared puts it simply.

Evan shrugs and hunches back over his art sketchbook but Connor is still looking at Jared. “So, like, is that the only reason you’re dating her or-”

“No! We go on dates too. She helps me be morie studious and I’ve helped her loosen up a bit, lighten the load.”

“I’m sure she’d love to lighten your load.”

“I’m gonna leave now.”

“Have fun!” Connor waves and winks at Jared as he closes the door. He looks back over at Evan, who’s diverted his complete attention to his sketch.

And for some odd reason, Connor feels like being annoying, and he’s  _ pissed  _ that Evan isn’t paying any attention to him.

So he does the only thing he knows will get Evan’s attention, and that’s to light a joint in the dorm room.

Even when it’s been a good couple of minutes, Evan takes a while to notice.

“Connor.”

“Yes, Evan?”

“Can you please not smoke weed in the dorm room while I’m doing my art homework? I’ve asked you this before.”

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t give a shit enough to listen though.”

Evan closes his sketchbook, exasperated. “It’s going to damage the pages. And your body.”

Connor shrugs. “With the shit they feed us, my body has been destroyed regardless of how much weed I’ve smoked.”

“It’s damaging to your body worse than the food. And it’s a waste.”

“Don’t talk until you’ve tried it, Hansen.”

“Don’t Hansen m- wait, what?”

“You heard me.” Connor, now feeling tired and daring, moved to sit next to Evan on his bed and shoved the joint right up in his face.

“And what do you expect me to do with this?” Evan gulped.

“Ever smoked before, Evan?”

Silence.

“Oh my God. When was it?”

“Sophomore year. It was fine but I felt so guilty about it I cried after and then they told me not to tell anyone and the lie was so hard to swallow that I ended up transferring as soon as I was offered scholarship money here.”

Connor had to keep from laughing, but Evan, being able to tell that’s exactly what Connor wanted to do, he took the joint from his hand and promptly stuck it to his lips, slightly inhaling and puffing it out perfectly fine.

“Oh… shit you weren’t kidding.”

Evan immediately felt bad. He smoked weed again. At his new school. With the emo guy he was tired as shit sitting next to. And he did it again. And again. And one more time, for good measure, before giving it back to Connor and sitting back and letting his mind do the thing again- the thing that hadn’t happened in a long time and he kinda forgot how it felt.

Oh yeah- that was how it felt.

Like things were moving slowly and super quickly all at the same time.

And everything was funny.

And Connor looked so far away and also so close.

Connor felt it soon too.

His feet only twitched a couple times, so that was good, and he felt warm all over like the dorm room was a giant oven.

And he and Evan look at each other. And they laugh. For a long time.

“I haven’t been high in a while. I forgot how it felt.” Evan giggles.

“And I’m high all the time,” Connor starts, “And seeing you high too makes it all the more different.”

“Different? Is that good or?”

“Evan, baby, it’s  _ perfect _ .” Connor says, and they both burst into laughter again.

Once the laughter died down, and it was just Connor and Evan eye to eye on Evan’s bed, there was a race of thoughts going through both of their minds.

Connor is thinking that he’s never seen Evan so up close while so tired and new before.   
Evan is thinking that Connor looks softer and kinder than before, even though he knows it’s the weed talking.

The corners of Evan’s lips fidget and Connor smirks and full on laughs again and then Evan is laughing again too.

And then it dies.

And they’re both so exhausted and see each other, not fidgeting, not upset, and it’s only the two of them, and Evan is trying so hard to hold himself back.

“I may be high, but I’m still too anxious to do what I know we’re both thinking. Go ahead first, please, I don’t mind.” Evan says, and Connor goes puppy dog, looking for approval in Evan’s eyes and also being angry at himself for what’s about to happen but then that force goes into Connor’s body when he leans in and his lips sloppily collide with Evan’s.

When they pull out, they’re both breathing heavily, but it doesn’t last very long before Evan grabs Connor and pulls him closer to him and their lips are harsh against each others’, and then they lose their balance and they slam back so Evan is on his back and Connor is almost on top of him, but they’re not paying any attention to anything except the other’s face and how exceptionally hot it has become in the room.

Because of this, Connor slides his hoodie off (with some help from Evan, of course) and puts his arms through Evan’s and they’re laughing in between breathing in between kissing, because neither has the slightest fucking clue what’s going on, just that they like it.

Eventually, Connor presses his forehead to Evan’s.

“We might regret this.”

“I know.” Evan replies before reconnecting his lips to Connor’s.

Eventually, Connor slides his hand up and turns off their light because curfew is soon but the both of them have too much weed induced energy to stop whatever the hell it is they’re doing.

They  _ do  _ manage to shut up a little bit when Jared comes back an hour past curfew and assumedly passes out within a few minutes.

“Is he out?”

“I hope so. I-I think so.”

“Good. I wasn’t ready to stop.”

And they don’t.

Evan falls asleep first, and Connor watches the movements of his chest and plays with his short strands of hair and doesn’t physically move but slaps himself in the face internally, because  _ what the hell was he thinking _ , but it was also saying  _ oh my God this sounds crazy but Evan’s ears are really cute _ , and soon the fatigue wins, sending Connor to sleep with Evan on his chest and  _ this  _ situation to be dealt with in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the idea of evan knowing how to smoke seemed good to me idk  
> also kids making decisions because they're under the influence is not good! please dont sleep with your roommate while high no matter how this relationship turns out
> 
> connor seems to be getting better!! good...for...him...


	10. avec la garde montante, nous arrivons, nous voila!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So what’s up with you? Hiding in the piano room during third period is kinda a lame thing to do.”  
> “Well, I am the lamest person alive. But, I could ask you the same question?”

It’s about 6 AM when Evan is awoken by the feeling of movement and then the emptiness of the space next to him.

He doesn’t do anything because he’s not entirely sure if he’s just having another lucid nightmare or if something’s actually happening, and then the door opens and shuts and Evan remembers.

Evan’s eyes flutter back and forth a few times until he knows he’s awake, and he feels the indent next to him in the bed, and curses himself for being sad Connor’s not next to him anymore.

Evan has only gotten high twice in his life.

The first time, he punched someone he didn’t know.

The second time, he hooked up with his roommate.

He had a panic attack after both of those events.

Evan doesn’t like getting high very much.

Color fades in and out of focus and the world begins to meld together, and Evan can hear ringing and singing and the voices are swimming around in his head, not saying anything, but saying everything. He wants to scream and cry and thrash around and punch someone in the face.

No; punch  _ Connor  _ in the face.

No; punch himself in the face. So he does. About three times, until he can tell his cheek is going to bruise nicely.

He feels bad about what happened. Connor’s going to realize what happened and then  _ murder  _ Evan to prevent anything else from happening; or he would just hate Evan forever, even though they worked so hard to be somewhat friends. But Evan was the star of “My Life As A Teenage Fuckup” and didn’t really do anything correctly; so he resorted to hating himself like everyone else would. Like Connor would.

Evan decided he needed some fresh air.

Evan admires the trees on his way to the special one, picking out which ones are which, which ones are the best to climb. The ground is wet and so any footsteps are silent and he can just listen to the sound of the birds and his own irregular breathing (he really needed to work on that one day).

Unfortunately, Evan wouldn’t get to sit under the tree by himself; in fact, he actually had to hide behind a different tree because Connor was standing next to it right in the large clearing.

Evan couldn’t help but look. It was  _ nothing  _ like the Connor Evan had seen before, but it was definitely him.

Connor was not wearing very much clothing.  In fact, it was tiny shorts accompanied by the loosest t shirt Evan’s ever seen with so much material cut off the sleeves and neckline that Evan wondered what the point of him wearing a shirt at all was. He also wasn’t wearing shoes and- yeah Evan was certain Connor was going to get sick.

Connor’s legs were bruised and cut all over, and his feet were not a pretty sight, but even so, Evan didn’t look away as Connor lifted his arms and shifted his feet and began to move in a way Evan had only seen in videos. It was like he was flying, the way he kicked and jumped and leaped and turned.

Yes, Connor was dancing. At 6 AM. In the forest.

And he was happy. Connor’s face lit up as he moved, his head whipping around quickly as his turning foot used the leaves as their own personal turnboard.

This six foot tall man was leaping around the forest like a fairy, and Evan  _ loved it.  _ And then hated himself for loving it. But he couldn’t look away. Connor was so happy and graceful and  _ would probably destroy Evan if he knew he was watching _ but the kid was swimming through the air like a scene out of a movie.

And Evan is still for a while. Watching. Admiring. He giggled in his head at seeing him like this but also cursed himself for barging in on him like this.

Connor doesn’t stop. He moves like his life depends on it. At one point he nicks himself in the leg and just shrugs and continues even though Evan can clearly see the blood from where he is. 

Connor looks like he wants to yell, but he doesn’t. He keeps pushing and panting (and Evan remembers why he’s not a dancer) and a lot of his hair has fallen out of his bun until he does an axle leap and lands on the wrong foot, the wet leaves causing him to slide and knock his face and ankle on the ground.

Coughing, Evan watches Connor sit up, examine his ankle, and lay himself against that out-of-place bradford pear tree, wrapping a black sweater around himself, panting.

Evan trips and snaps a branch, poker facing behind the tree again, hoping Connor doesn’t see.

And he doesn’t- Evan hopes- because he doesn’t say anything, he’s still catching his breath.

“It’s okay Evan, you can come out now, I’m done.”

Evan freezes in his tracks and slowly steps out, where a smiling Connor is still lying against the tree, looking at him.

“What, you think I couldn’t hear you? Leaves aren’t as quiet as you think they are.” Connor rolls his eyes when Evan is still standing still. “Get over here.”

“You… really weren’t kidding when you said you were a dancer.”

“I taught you how to swing, didn’t I?” Connor chuckled. “No. I wasn’t kidding.”

Evan sits next to Connor, not saying the thing they’re both obviously thinking.

“What’s your favorite animal?”

“‘Scuse me?”

“What’s your favorite animal, Evan?”

“Uh…” Evan says. “I like rabbits, I guess. They’re small and quiet. Like me.”

Connor scoffs. “ _ So  _ high maintenance, though. My parents bought Zoe one once and it died within a month or two because of how much work we didn’t know went into taking care of the damn thing.”

“I guess that’s why I never- had one.” Evan nods. “What about you? What’s your… favorite animal?”

Connor thinks. “I like dogs. Pitbulls, to be exact. Everyone thinks they’re just so scary when they’re really not, and they have big dumb faces you can play with.” he says, which makes Evan giggle. “I’m serious! They also make  _ badass  _ therapy dogs- I speak from experience. I had mad street cred in middle school because of my only friend’s blindness… Okay I lied. He wasn’t my friend. But the dog thing still stands.”

“Why would you tell me that?” Evan asks.

“Tell you what?”

“That he wasn’t your friend.”

“Well, for one thing, I wasn’t sure you’d believe me… And frankly, you spied on me during my morning routine, and it’s six a.m. and I’ve stopped giving a shit about anything, so it doesn’t really phase me anymore.” Connor replies.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why doesn’t anything phase you?”

“It just… doesn’t I don’t have anything to care about anymore.”

“There’s Zoe…”

“Zoe hates me.”

“She doesn’t.”

“You don’t know that. You don’t know anything about me and my sister. Why am I even telling you this shit.”

Evan sighs. “I don’t know. You seem to hate me.”

“That’s not what I was saying last night.” Connor smirks and Evan goes still and his faces goes red. Connor laughs, but when Evan can’t breathe anymore, he stops. “Shit. That was a joke. Sorry. I thought, you might, wanna ease into that… subject.”

“Actually, Connor? I don’t really want to talk about it at all. You were high anyway.”

“So were you, I should mention.”

“Do you ever think, Connor? Even while you’re high?” Evan asks, getting angry. Connor just rolls with the punches.

“I do actually. I’m not like some people. I can think perfectly fine. But if I recall correctly, you asked me.”

“But I was- I was- I-” Evan moves over his words so much he has to stop and breathe.   
“I’m sorry I pushed the joint in your face, I guess.”

“I’m sorry I took it.”

“I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“I’m…”

“What?”

“I… I don’t think I’m sorry I asked.”

“...You’re not.”

“No. I haven’t gotten high in three years because the first time I punched someone, and it turned out to not be a mistake because he tried to stab someone else later that night, and the second time I hooked up with my cute roommate who doesn’t seem to be phased by it at all.” Evan wants to throw himself out of a window. Unfortunately, he was already on the ground.

“GOD, this conversation isn’t logical at all. Come on, we’re sixteen for God’s sake! Let's make mistakes now and think later! Now let's go, I have to shower.” Connor jumps up and grabs Evan by the arm and they run through the forest on their way to the dorm, Evan nervously looking at Connor, who has a malicious smile spread across his face.

“You make no sense, Connor.”

“I know.”

“Evan stops him before they get back into the dorm room. “Why are you being so cryptic?!”

Connor looks forward and a light-bulb practically lights up in his head.

“I’ll tell you later. Don’t make any plans for Saturday.”

“Connor, what the fuck?”

Evan wants to continue, because he’s  _ pissed  _ at this point, but Connor just grabs him by the shoulders and kisses his forehead, throwing open the door to the dorm room and stomping in.

“Uhm, what the hell? It’s 7:30 A.M. and- Connor.” Jared bolts up.

“Yes?”

“...What on earth are you wearing?”

“It’s called fashion, mom. Maybe I can give you some pointers some day.” Connor gives Jared some finger guns and walks toward his bed. Jared just flips him off and chuckles, climbing out of his bed and scampering out, toward the bathroom.   
///

Zoe and Alana are walking to their English class, Alana handing out flyers for  _ Heathers  _ and saying hi to everyone, Zoe trying to make herself small and not really noticeable- which obviously doesn’t work when a rather tall guy in a letterman jacket grabs her by the hem of her shirt and pulls her over to him and his other letterman jacket wearing friends.

“Hey, Zoe, long time no see.”

Zoe says nothing.

“Listen… a few of us are throwing a small party on Friday night. Just us guys and a couple of other people- my brother and his college dudes. We got our hands on a couple of beer cases and we’d love for you to be there- it’ll be fun.” He says, leaning in and fiddling with the cinch string on her shirt.

Zoe slaps him away and gains her composure. “Not interested. Find some other girl to take advantage of. Thanks, but no thanks.”

She promptly turns around and tries to walk away, but he scoffs and grabs the handle of her backpack. She doesn’t turn around when he loudly says “Right, of course, the school whore doesn’t want to be ‘taken advantage of’.  _ Sure. _ ” he lets her go and Zoe snaps away and ducks into the next hallway, the snickers of her classmates fading away as she heads down a long corridor of piano practice rooms that no one really uses during school hours, ducking into one random one.

The one someone else just so happens to be in.

“Oh- Zoe- youscaredmesorrysorrydoyouneedthisroom?” he says, it all coming out at once.

Zoe almost-smiles. “No. You’re fine. Actually-Evan- could you stay in here?” she says, and he nods, and she sits down next to him at the piano bench.

“So what’s up with you? Hiding in the piano room during third period is kinda a lame thing to do.”

“Well, I am the lamest person alive. But, I could ask you the same question?”

Zoe nods. “Noted. It’s a little hard to not have to hide out in here sometimes when people are still laughing at you for pregnancy rumors from ninth grade that turned out to not be true.”

Evan looks at Zoe, who has a small cut under her left eye, and it’s been surrounded with tiny gold stickers of stars and planets.

“People are still doing that?”

“There’s 400 students at this school total, Evan.  _ Everyone  _ knows  _ everything  _ and there’s no escaping it- even two years later.”

Evan looks forward like he’s seen a ghost. “Wonder how long it’ll take for…”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Oh. That’s okay.”

They sit in silence, next to each other. Zoe’s head slides onto Evan’s shoulder, and they stare at the piano keys, both in their own little world.

“Your brother confuses me.”

“What’d he do this time?”

“He just- never acknowledges anything. I don’t get it.”

Zoe sits up and looks at Evan. “Listen. Connor is a master of avoiding confrontation and conversation. He’s been doing it for  _ years. _ If you want him to say anything, then good luck, because you’ll have to corner him as well as you can. I know, I’ve had to do it too.”

Evan breathes. In and out. Okay.

He’s in his own world and it suddenly is filled with some pretty out of place cheerful music- he then realizes that Zoe’s started playing the piano.

“It’s nice. I- I didn’t know you played.”

“I do. Do you know the song? It’s from the Bizet opera  _ Carmen. _ ”

“I don’t. What’s the song about?”

“It’s the music to the number ‘les voici, voici la quadrille’. It’s a celebratory number that the town sings as the toreadors enter the bullfighting ring.” As Zoe talks, she continues playing. Suddenly, the music gets lighter and sweeter. “Now, all of the women are fawning over Escamillo, the leader of the toreadors. But Escamillo only has eyes for his lover, Carmen. Carmen’s dancer friends warn her that her ex-fiance, Don Jose, the corporal, is looking for her, and Carmen decides to speak with him.” the music starts to get sad and desperate, and tense. “Don Jose is begging Carmen to get back together with him, and she is refusing him. He is very violent and mean to her, which is why she left him. She throws her old wedding ring at Don Jose- the one he gave her.” The music is angry, like Zoe is almost banging on the keys now. “Don Jose gets upset and he-  he stabs Carmen. And then it’s like a fight in the music,” she says, as she picks up, playing two almost completely different tunes, “and Escamillo is wowing everyone with his bullfighting skills as Carmen dies at the hands of Don Jose. Escamillo is the last one to find out.” she finishes, and the music trails off. “Sorry, I got a little carried away there- needed a distraction.”

But Evan just shakes his head. The way Zoe lit up and talked about these characters and their drama, and could tell their story through music, it just… wowed Evan, and he wishes he might be able to do that.

“No- no, you’re absolutely fine. That was… really beautiful. It sounds like such a dramatic story.”

“It  _ is,  _ I mean, it was written by Bizet of all people. He died after thirty three performances of the original production, you know. Never got to see it take off. Change lives. So many people were horrified by it at first, how it was so risque- a cabaret dancer as the main character, and her being killed at the end and such. Back then, they were called gypsies, but of course, we don’t really use that word anymore. Unless you’re reciting the original text.” Zoe makes a weird face at Evan because she thinks she’s talked too much.

“That sounds so awesome.”

“It’s my favorite opera.” Zoe giggles and looks away.

Evan smiles and watches as Zoe puts her hands back onto the piano, but almost stops. “You can play another one, if you want. I could use the distraction.”

“Oh- sure! Uh- there’s this one- the Toreador Song- Escamillo sings it in a tavern with a bunch of drunk people in a tavern and an eleven year old urchin.” she says, and begins playing.

Evan and Zoe do not attend third period. They sit in the piano room, Zoe expressing her love of the classic opera and the both of them getting a distraction from the real life outside of that room. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I.FUCKING.LOVE.CARMEN.FIGHT.ME.  
> avec la garde montante is my favorite number actually, those little urchin shits are a blessing
> 
> anyway yeah i hope u liked it!!  
> This story will be on hold for a couple weeks, however, due to finals and just life in general; ive fallen into like a super depressive slump and i really need to focus on my work. but this story is F A R from over. dw.


	11. Whatever Happened To Saturday Night?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was he going to be sacrificed to Connor’s weird cult? Maybe? Why else would Connor be wearing the equivalent of the “Sexy Satanist” Halloween costume Evan and his mom had laughed at for so long when they saw it in the catalogues the weekend before?

Evan would be lying if he said he wasn't slightly scared about whatever Connor had planned for him. He also couldn't say no because he firmly believed he made Connor uncomfortable earlier that week and so going along with whatever crazy plan Connor had for him was the least he could do.

Saturday evening, Connor, Evan, and Jared were walking through the brisk fall air when Connor stopped suddenly and pulled out his phone.

“Oh shit, it's 6:00. We’d better start getting ready now Evan, this thing is at 8 and we wanna get a good spot.”

So the three start walking faster. 

“Where are you going?”

“If I knew, Jared, I’d tell you. Honest.”

“Oh, so Connor's sex dungeon extravaganza is a  _ surprise, _ got it.”

Evan froze up and Jared laughed.

“I was only joking, don't worry. Everything I say is a joke. Don't worry.” Jared said, pushing open the door to their dorm.

“So, uh, can I at least get a hint to the dress code for this mystery outing, Connor?” Evan asks, digging around in his drawer.

“Sure. You wanna be comfortable and also cool looking. Also, don't look like an idiot.” Connor said and grabbed some clothes from his section and heading off toward the bathroom.

Evan shook his head. “I have no idea what that means.”

Eventually, Evan decides on a t shirt and jeans that are both tighter than what he normally wears, hoping that it'll be okay, when he and Jared hear a  _ click, click  _ coming from the bathroom and Connor swings open the door and immediately sighs.

“Oh no, that will  _ not  _ work.” he says, eyeing Evan.

Evan and Jared are mouth agape at the person in front of them.

“What the fuck are you two even doing? And who are you? And where's Connor?”

Connor, is dressed in a corset tank and pleather pants accompanied by suede stilettos and thick eyeliner. His hair is still messy as ever, however, and hits Evan when he flips it and starts digging through Evan’s drawers.

“There’s gotta be something… you have the lamest clothes, Evan.”

Jared pops up and leans over his bedpost. “If you’re desperate for something not lame, Evan won’t have shit. I  _ might  _ have something, feel free to look.”

Connor nods and pulls open Jared’s drawer, and he apparently finds something easily because he pulls some stuff out and tosses it at Evan.

“That’ll work. Hurry up.”

///

Evan uncomfortably walks down the sidewalk of downtown and is thoroughly embarrassed by how he looks in these red pants and black boots. Connor wanted him to just wear the leather vest with it, but with enough persuasion he ended up with a black tee under it- but that didn’t stop the squeaking of the leather every time Evan so much as moved his arms.

Connor, on the other hand, didn’t seem to be embarrassed at all. He walked in the heels with ease, and Evan wondered just how often he wore them. Maybe he practiced his runway walk in them in the forest in the mornings, but Evan would never know.

The two walk all the way past the main shops of downtown and head into a smaller street where not as many people are milling about, and Evan immediately gets scared. What if Jared was right about the sex dungeon thing? Was he going to be sacrificed to Connor’s weird cult? Maybe? Why else would Connor be wearing the equivalent of the “Sexy Satanist” Halloween costume Evan and his mom had laughed at for so long when they saw it in the catalogues the weekend before?

“Uh- where are we going? Am I getting sacrificed or something?”

Connor rolls his eyes. “No need to worry about that. The black box is just sorta hidden on the backside of town. You won’t get killed. You may, however, be very embarrassed tonight. Ah! There it is.” Connor runs (in heels, no less) over to a small building waxed in between two other buildings. It’s not run down or anything, and there are quite a few people inside when Connor swings open the door, so Evan thinks he may be safe for now.

But then he realizes they’re all dressed way worse than Connor.

Lots of people aren’t wearing shirts, and the ones that are are wearing shirts Evan was sure would kill someone one day. Lots of people are in frilly skirts and leather pants (similar to Connor’s) and insane shoes.

Evan is very scared and very intrigued- and Connor drags him over to the ticket table.

“Hey guys! Two adults?”

“Yes ma’am.” Connor nods.

The scary looking lady pulls out two slips of paper and hands them to Connor. “Got IDs?”

Connor nods and pulls two cards out his pocket for her to check.

“Perfect. They’ll bring stuff around to you before the show starts. Any newbies?” she says, and Connor smirks evilly, pointing to Evan.

The lady smiles and waves over what Evan assumes is another employee with a cake of face paint and a paintbrush in her hand.

“Aha! Another new one to the bunch.” painter lady says, and pulls Evan over, putting something on his face. Before he can process what’s just happened, Connor shoves his phone camera in Evan’s face so he can see the thick “V” that’s been drawn across his forehead.

Connor pushes Evan through the curtains and into the simple looking black box theatre, dragging him to one of the two person tables somewhat close to the front and finally letting Evan sit down and look at this ticket he’s got.

“The Rocky Horror Pi- Connor.”

“Yes?”

“You brought me to a Rocky Horror shadowcast?”

“Yes.”

Evan nearly slams his head into the table. “Isn’t that the one where they make people have sex with mannequins before the show and stuff?”

“Only the virgins. And you, my dear, are prime choice for the ritual.”

Evan’s eyes go wide. “Nope. No way. We should go right now. I can’t do this. And- did you make me a fake ID?”

“Turns out Jared has some kickass graphic design programs on his computer. He’ll be pissed when he finds out I broke in, but yeah I don’t really give a shit.”

Evan takes a minute to consider his surroundings. Connor, the privacy of whom he’s burst in on  _ multiple  _ times this week, dragged him to the other side of town to watch people act out a 1975 cult classic film that he wasn’t allowed to see until about a couple months before. But he doesn’t show it, strangely. He just shrugs and looks at Connor.

“I never had you pinned for a Rocky Horror guy.”

“If you’re upset you can say so Evan, I don’t mind.”

“Never thought that you’d be into this kinda stuff. I thought you were more the “Secret Breakfast Club Fanatic” type.”

Connor chuckles. “You’re being very calm about all this.”

“I try.” and he was. Evan was trying very hard. But soon the light dimmed Evan gripped the table and Connor put his hand on top of it and gave him a  _ relax, be more chill  _ kinda look and a server brought around some sort of drink to them. Evan makes the assumption that it’s some kind of vodka mixed with the grossest sweetener he’s ever tasted in his life, and he decides to space out the sips he takes like his mom always said to (Evan never expected to use Heidi’s advice on drinking and partying and always assumed they were jokes, but here he was, drinking vodka mixes surrounded by people in lingere). Connor, however, doesn’t ever put the drink down and he kinda loves it. That makes Evan a little nervous.

Luckily, Evan doesn’t get chosen for the virgin ritual, which involves a metal pole and one of those air guys that float around advertising used car dealerships. It  _ is  _ pretty amusing to watch, however, and an already slightly tipsy Connor pokes Evan in the stomach with a  _ see?  _ look when it’s over.

Then, the actual movie starts, and Evan is taken aback by the craziness of whatever the hell is happening around him. The funniest part is whenever someone’s name is said and the audience yells things like “slut!” or “asshole!”. Evan never yells anything, but Connor does, very loudly so. He is also throwing back those vodka mixes at an alarming rate because Evan knows that having a couple of those won’t make you drunk, but he’s not sure how lightweight Connor is and he’s definitely had more than a couple by the time Dr. Frank-n-Furter throws off his cape- which does make Evan audibly gasp. The guy is throwing glitter  _ everywhere _ during his “Transvestite” number and it even lands on some people and their drinks- including our two boys- and Evan doesn’t even care.

Evan’s favorite character is Dr. Scott, he decides, because the old guy in a wheelchair in a show with magic transvestites and creepy maids is  _ obviously  _ Evan’s favorite character.

In between drinks, Connor doesn’t know whether to watch the show or to watch Evan be absolutely transfixed by the show- both are pretty entertaining to Connor, even if he’s had one too many drinks.

Connor’s favorite character will forever and always be Riff-Raff- he doesn’t know why, he just is. Something about the hair, maybe.

When Evan gets his second drink brought around to him, he’s yelling out along with the audience, on Connor’s cues, and his eyes go wide when he watches Frank pull the tablecloth off the dinner table with Eddie in it. And the plot twist at the end? Evan slaps the table repeatedly, so hard that Connor has to grab his hands to keep them from getting kicked out.

When the show gets out, it’s 10 pm, and Evan is still speechless, Connor giggly.

“So?” Connor says after a minute.   
“Holy  _ shit. _ ”

And Connor laughs. “Okay- we’d better… head back to the school. Before we…” Connor starts, but doesn't finish before he busts out laughing and hiccuping.

Evan rolls his eyes. “Dear Lord, Connor, you’re drunk.”

“Sure. Maybe so.”

And then Evan’s phone rings. He pulls it out and is oddly surprised when it's his mom, but then remembered they were trying to start video chatting on Saturday nights. He looks at Connor, who can't really focus on anything in particular, and turns to answer the call.

“Hi mom.”

“Hi sweetie- what's that on your face?”

Oh. “I was at. Uh, a show tonight. With some friends.”

“Oh! How was it?”

Evan stifles a laugh. “Well, I ended up having to take that advice you gave me and…” he lifts up the phone slightly so that Heidi can see Connor in the background, who is giggling and waving.

“Oh my goodness!” Heidi laughs. “Well, I didn't mean to bother you-”

“No no it's fine. I just- is there anything important you need to tell me or?”

“Not really- I can leave you alone for now if you have to attend to  _ that  _ situation.”

“Well I'm sure I can-” Evan starts, then hears a thump behind him, turning around. “Actually mom, I'm gonna take you up on that advice. Make it up tomorrow?”

“Sure. Stay safe!”

“Okay, bye mom!” Evan says, ending the call, shoving the phone in his pocket, and turning around. “Jesus, Connor, get off the ground.”

Connor is sitting on the sidewalk and he turns his torso to face Evan. “I can't, Evan. I broke my heel.” He says, lifting up the suede stiletto heel.

“Yeah, that was a bad idea. Come on, let's get you up.”

“You know what sounds really good right now? Ice cream.”

Evan stops. “What?!”

“You  _ do  _ know what ice cream is, right?”

“Yes, I do, Connor, but will you get off the ground?”

“Can we get some ice cream?”

“No, we need to get back-” Evan starts but is cut off by his phone ringing again, pulling it out furiously. “What is it now?”

_ “Dude, where are you guys? Curfew is an a half hour!” _

It's Jared. And Evan gathers up what dignity he has with Connor acting like a fucking five year old at his feet. “Jared. We’re in a bit of a predicament. Connor may have had a drink or nine.”

“ _ Gasp,  _ is that Jared!”

Evan rolls his eyes when Connor takes the phone from him.

“Hi Jared!”

_ “Hi Connor (snicker) how are you?” _

“I’m fine. But I’m sad. I asked Evan if we could get ice cream and he said no.”

Jared’s overdramatic gasp is louder than anyone would like it to have been.

_ “Blasphemy. You tell Evan I said that you must get ice cream.” _

“Thanks Jared. Hey Evan, Jared says we  _ have  _ to get some, you gotta listen to him.” Connor turns back to the phone and flops his back onto the pavement. “Thank you Jared. You’re a good friend. And I know that I’m mean to you sometimes but I think you’re cool.”

_ “That’s nice, Connor. You’re cool too, I guess.” _

“ _ Gasp  _ really? Awesome. And hey, don’t tell Evan, but I took him on a date tonight. I think he’s cool too. But not the same kind of- hic- cool as you- you’re like  _ skateboard  _ cool, and Evan is like  _ kiss and bring flowers to  _ cool, no matter how much of a- hic- nerd he is. But you can _ not  _ tell him.”

_ “Okay, I promise I won’t tell him.” _ Jared says and laughs, Connor joining him, and Evan just watching, his face going red at Connor’s words.

“I knew I could- hic- count on you. I’m sorry I kicked your bed.”

_ “Don’t worry about it. You should probably give the phone back to Evan now.” _

“Okay. Hey Evan, Jared wants to talk to you.”

Evan nods and takes the phone back from Connor, being greeted by the sound of Jared busting out laughing.

_ “Oh, joy. Have fun dealing with that. I’ll try to cover for you if Ryans notices. Just don’t let Connor run out into the street on accident or anything.” _

“I’ll try.” Evan says and hangs up without saying bye.

“Can we go  _ now? _ ” Connor asks. 

“Sure, fine, whatever.”

Evan eventually gets Connor to his feet, but however much he had to drink is definitely getting to him now, and in addition to his broken heel, walking is super hard, even with Evan’s support. Eventually, this gets very annoying, and Evan yells in defeat and literally has Connor climb on his back as they walk to the nearest 24 hour diner.

With this six foot tall koala on his back, Evan realizes that Connor’s breath on his neck is warm in the brisk fall air, but the reeking smell of alcohol just snaps Evan back into reality and how much his back is starting to hurt.

Connor notices this when they sit down in the diner, and tries to massage Evan’s back, but he ends up falling asleep against his back and then waking up again when Evan gives him his food.

“Y’know Evan, that was a good date. Oops.” Connor says when he’s on Evan’s back again at 11pm, on their way back to the school.

“I think it was too, Connor.”

“I wasn’t supposed to tell you it was a date. I was too embarrassed. Cause you found me dancing the morning after I kissed you and it totally ruined my plan and- me being totally drunk right now isn’t helping either.”

“That’s fine, Connor.”

“It was a date because you were always so nice to me when I everyone else just automatically hates me- this was gonna be the test on whether or not I totally fucked everything up or not, and I still don’t know if it worked or not.”

“No, I still like you Connor, don’t worry. Tonight was uh, fun.”

“Oh, really? You do like me? I gotta say because- Evan- I think I love you.”

Evan chuckles and pauses for a moment. “I love you too, Connor.”

Evan lets Connor ramble himself to sleep over the date and Evan himself until they reach the dorm room, where Jared is willing to help get Connor into bed and Evan off to sleep.

Evan doesn’t take the paint off his forehead.

A date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhahha ha he hi
> 
> god bless i got this finished i have work tomorrow morning it's 1 am goofnight


	12. Don't Think I'll Ever Use A Day Of My Education

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don’t think for a goddamn second I’m doing this musical for you. It’s for my own enjoyment, and maybe to help my friend along the way."

Evan and Connor don't entirely understand their attraction to each other.

Connor is stubborn and likes to do as he please, and he doesn’t care about nearly anything in this life anymore. Evan is anxious and worries so much about people and what they think about him. This being said, both of them share the feel to stay quiet and stick to the walls, and the need to have a friend.

Connor would never admit it, but he probably wouldn’t be doing all the things he’s done this year if it weren’t for Evan. Becoming friends with Jared and Alana, working on things with Zoe, and even doing things like auditioning for the school musical- really, because Connor didn’t want Evan to completely hate him like everyone else did.

Evan, on the other hand, felt so taken in by his roommates, and he could not be more grateful. The strange connections that the other four all had led to Evan having four friends in the first month and a half of school, which is something that would never have happened in any of Evan’s dreams.

The two had discussed this on that particular hungover afternoon after the Rocky Horror fiasco, and they talked for quite a long time over orange juice and pre-packaged sandwiches that they assumed were left by Jared before he conveniently disappeared.

Evan had also scolded Connor about being as reckless as he was, and Connor insisted that Evan never had any fun, and then Evan retaliated by jumping on Connor’s bed. This made Connor put Evan in a headlock with one arm and held the lukewarm rag to his hungover head with the other, and then he hit Evan with it and Evan jumped and they were laughing and playing with the broken stiletto heel Connor left on his bedside stand until Evan almost got poked in the eye.

This ended up with them talking to each other while staring up at the bottom of Jared’s bed, laughing at Connor’s remarks from last night.

“I had to carry you on my back.”

Connor burst into laughter. “ _ God,  _ what an idiot.” he paused and looked over at Evan.

“I’m not disagreeing.”

“Fucker!” Connor ruffled Evan’s hair. “I can’t believe I drunkenly told Jared about our date while on the sidewalk. In the middle of the night.”

“Yeah he couldn’t either.” Evan remarked. “You also kinda forgot I was standing right there.”

Connor’s head bobbled around “I don’t give a shit! It was a date! Get over it!”   
Evan whistled. “A date! I might have a booooooyfrieeeeeend!” Connor promptly clamped his hand over Evan’s mouth.

“Whatever. Sure. You hate being loud, I know that, you can stop now.”

“I just did it to annoy you.”

Just as Evan buried his face in Connor’s chest, the door slammed open and the loud and proud Jared Kleinman pounced in.

“This is fine as long as you’re not making out this time. I haven’t forgotten the noises I heard last week.” Jared says and shudders.

“You  _ what. _ ”

“...In my defense we thought you were asleep.”

“I have insomnia, assholes. Sleeping is complicated for me.” Jared gave a condescending smirk.

Evan shakes his head. “Whatever. Just. Don’t tell anyone else. We don’t…” he trailed off and looked at Connor, who nodded.

“Yeah, we haven’t really…”

Jared nods. “It’s okay. As long as I can do… THIS!” he says, and rolls in between the other two, who groan and giggle.

“You’re going to suffocate me, fatass.” Connor says, slapping Jared’s arm to get him off.

“ _ Perfect. _ All I’ve ever wanted.” Jared laid out his arms and sighed as Connor and Evan pushed against his body weight, laughing.

///

_ He’s running as fast as he can. There are creatures reaching up down and in between and he cannot let them get him. _

_ Then he’s screaming. _

_ Get off. Get OFF. Go away! Leave me ALONE! _

_ They don’t stop, because they can’t hear him. He tries to move but he can’t, his head is twisting and none of his vision is changing, and people are grabbing at him and his legs are going shaky. _

_ He looks up and sees vines. Vines growing around his friends. He doesn’t know what to do. He tries to pull vines off of them, but it’s not working. They look like they’re peaceful, and asleep, but he knows that they’re not. _

_ Then their eyes are open, almost glowing with anger. _

_ “I’m not your friend. I never will be. You ruin lives, it’s all you do.” _

_ “Wanna keep messing things up? Be my guest. You’ve done too much damage already.” _

_ “I’m fine without you. Stay away, because I’m happy when you’re gone.” _

_ “I can’t believe you. You’re a manipulative liar and an obsessive freak.” _

_ And the ringing is astoundingly present. _

_ Please stop. _

_ Please STOP.  _

_ I just want to help. _

_ All I want to do is make things better! _

_ I’m sorry. _

_ Please forgive me. _

_ I’ll try to fix things. _

_ I can’t make things better, I’ve done too many stupid things, and they all think so. _

_ They all know so. _

_ And why should I try to change that? Let them get eaten up by vines, I suppose. I will too. _

_ And then the green starts to wrap around his arms and legs and chest and soon his mouth, and he’s muffled screaming and crying in pain like it’s digging into him. _

_ The others open their eyes again, their ties are breaking loose. _

_ Please help me! I don’t want this! Stop. Stop. _

_ STOP. _

_ They’re coming closer toward him. _

_ The ringing is fading. _

_ His name is being called. _

_ It almost feels concerned. And… reassuring? _

///

The next morning, Evan slumps down next to Zoe in Spanish class, his eyes heavy with sleep- or lack thereof.

“What’s the matter with you? Wait, never mind, I don’t think I want to know- do I?”

Evan chuckles. “It's not what I think you're thinking. Jared was screaming in his sleep last night. We had to wake him up and since Jared couldn't sleep, like he  _ never  _ does, Connor dragged us out at 3 am to vandalize the quad with silly string.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “Of course. Was it bad?”

“I had a meltdown because I thought we were gonna get in trouble.”

Zoe shakes her head. “I'm sorry.”

The rest of Spanish goes okay for Zoe, but Evan does fall asleep and she doesn't have the heart to wake him up. Turns out that was a mistake, because he's awoken to the sound of Senora Brown slapping a detention slip on his desk.

“Murphy getting a detention? Gotta stop trying to sleep with teachers for grades, sis.” they hear from the other side of the room, accompanied by snickers from all over the classroom.

“That is  _ quite enough.  _ The detention is actually not for Zoe. Please save the naps for your dorm room in the future, Mr. Hansen.” she says and walks away.

Evan slowly slides the detention slip to himself and looks like he’s going to cry when he reads it. Zoe feels for him, and she also feels a pang of guilt and anger that it’s her stupid reckless brother’s fault that Evan is crying over a detention slip. She quietly slides a package of Kleenex out of her bag- they’re Star Wars themed, because everything in the school store for the past two months had been Star Wars themed for some odd reason, but she simply slid the tissues over to Evan and gave him a reassuring nod.

“Jared!” Zoe calls down the hall as people are moving into their third periods.

“Oh- hey, Zoe.”

“Evan told me what happened last night, are you okay?”

“He told you? I- uh, yeah I’m fine. It happens. I’m just- tired.”

Zoe rolls her eyes.”Sorry about that. Connor’s an idiot.”

Jared shrugs as they walk into their English classroom. “I mean I don’t know if I’ll be able to get rid of-”

“Alana!” Zoe calls out, running into the classroom and leaving Jared behind. Zoe grabs Alana’s hands and gets all giddy while talking, like she has something exciting to say. Alana giggles and waves to Jared, but quickly goes back to gabbering with Zoe. The bell rings, and they all scamper to their respective seats.

It’s not that Jared’s jealous of Zoe. Well, he and Alana are  _ supposed  _ to be boyfriend and girlfriend, but Alana and Zoe are also best friends and they like hanging out with each other and they’ve been hanging out a lot more as he and Alana’s dates have become fewer and farther between, but it’s also the beginning of second quarter, where Alana jumpstarts a lot of things, and she and Connor both have not stopped complaining about  _ Heathers  _ choreography and blocking rehearsals, so he assumes Alana’s just busy. Which is totally fine. They still love each other at least. Right?

///

“Why did you make your roommates go out at three in the morning last night?” Zoe asks condescendingly, sliding into her Algebra desk.

Connor lifts his head and chuckles. “I thought it might help.”

“Yeah, well you’re in no position to be helping anyone else right now Connor, you can barely help yourself.” Zoe snaps.

Connor’s face goes cold. “I can do what I want, Zoe, you’re not my mom.”

“But I am your sister. I thought siblings were-”

“Supposed to be friends, I know. But they’re not always. We just have the same parents, Zoe, nothing else.” Connor puts his head back down.

Zoe cringes. “That’s not what you were saying when you auditioned for the school play just for me-”

“I did  _ not  _ do that for you.”

“Really? Because it sure as hell seemed like it. Why else would you actually put yourself out there; you, Connor ‘I do whatever I want because I’m reckless as hell and only do anything for my own enjoyment’ Murphy.”

Connor grabs Zoe’s bandaged wrist, to which she quietly yelps. “I don’t need you yelling at me. Stay the fuck away from me. I’ll go along with the revenge plan but only because my  _ friend _ is a part of it. Yeah, did you hear that, Zoe? I have friends. Two roommates who tolerate me, and you had nothing to do with it. Don’t think for a goddamn second I’m doing this musical for you. It’s for my own enjoyment, and maybe to help my friend along the way.” he lets go of Zoe’s wrist, which is stinging now, and she pulls back and scurries over to her desk so Connor doesn’t see the tears forming in her eyes.

///

Connor is lying face down on his bed when Evan walks back in.

“...You okay?”

“Fuck off.”

“Obviously not.”

Silence. It’s very awkward.

“Do you wanna tell me what happened?”

“MyfuckingsisterisactinglikemymomIdon’tneedathirdparent.” Connor blurts out, because he can’t really process exactly what he’s saying, and if he and Evan are supposed to be in some sort of relationship, he should feel comfortable talking to him about this, right?

“I’m sorry. I get it.”

“No, you don’t.” Connor rolls over, staring at the bottom of Jared’s bed and grimacing.

Evan lets out a long sigh. “You’re right. I don’t. I don’t have any siblings, and I only have one parent.”

“Shit. Sorry.”

“No, I’ve kinda come to terms with it. I don’t really know who my dad is and I’m not sure if I want to.” Evan shakes his head. “Anyways, I thought you and Zoe were getting better? What happened?”

Connor kicks the bed above him repeatedly. “We’re supposed to. Mom wants us to because it’s stressful on  _ her. _ I just think Zoe doesn’t want to be hanging out with the school stoner, so why should I give her a reason to? I just don’t see why she tries to talk to me when I’m just gonna make whatever reputation she has. I don’t want to hurt her anymore, so why can’t she just leave me  _ alone. _ ” Connor says, and now he manages to kick a crack in the wood, just as Evan swoops in and sits on the foot of his bed, grabbing around the bottom part of his legs.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he asks.

“Letting you know that I’m here.”

Connor giggles and sits up, facing across from Evan now.

“I know you’re here, Evan. I just don’t want to be here sometimes.”

Evan’s face drops.

“No- no I meant, I meant-”

Evan shakes his head. “I know.”

“I mean, at one point I… I don’t know anymore.”

“What about your legs?”

“What?”

“When you were dancing. Two weeks ago. You had a bunch of marks… on-on your legs…”

“Oh. Right.” Connor takes a shaky breath. “A lot of those are from being outside a lot. Some of them aren’t.” he says bluntly, looking down at his lower thigh that is shown off by his leggings, and the scrapes that adorn it.

Evan smiles and begins to trace all around the different marks Connor has collected over the years. Luckily, the ones on the bottom of his legs are actually from his morning forest dance sessions (something he has done less and less now that he has actual friends and maybe a boyfriend now) and he doesn’t feel weird as Evan’s fingers gently glide over them, like they’re a pattern.

Evan manages to cheer Connor up at least a little bit while doing this, because they spend a good fifteen minutes chatting before Jared enters and Connor jumps up from the bed upon seeing him.

“Are you okay? What happened?”

Jared’s lip is busted and bleeding, his eye is black and his cheek and the entire left side of his face is swollen.

“I’d really rather not say anything.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing. I just got punched in the face.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry.”

“Are you okay?”

“Sure.” Jared says and climbs into his own bed, pulling out his trusty laptop, and Evan and Connor brush it off and sit back on Connor’s bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey if one of your friends gets hurt, Do Not brush it off, do what you can to help them
> 
> imagine me blasting "le voici, voici la quadrille" and eating a massive quesadilla drinking Mountain Dew (code red. I can't have green mountain dew because of this stupid fucking supercomputer thats still lodged in my brain) while writing this chapter. i have spring awakening rehearsal all week kill me (actually dont im one of the characters who survives)
> 
> Chapter title is taken from the song "The Good, The Bad, And the Dirty" by Panic! At the Disco.
> 
> anyways, things are about to go from bad to better to much, much worse. lov u guys


	13. Deadly Nightshade, Cherry Tree, One True Love, Destiny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even gonna do a quote this chapter is a fuckin wild ride.

As November deepens and the cold picks up, stress and chaos are bearing down on the students of Hughes. Particularly, the members of the drama club, and their rushing to finish choreography before their show opens that Friday.

“I don’t know whether to be grateful or pissed off that they cut the sex scene,” Connor says that Tuesday evening, his arms covering his head, Evan, Alana, Jared, and Zoe all sitting at the base of the tree with him, “but it’s no use complaining because it’s happening anyway. We could get expelled for this.”

Alana goes cold. “I hadn’t even thought of that. Oh, no, Connor I don’t think we should go through with this-”

“Chill. _If_ we get caught and they don’t get blamed, I’ll take the blame.”

“Well, you don’t have to-”

“Connor, you know that our parents will have a fit if you get expelled.” Zoe protests. “I don’t think you’ll be the ones to get in trouble, anyway. It’s a good plan.”

“Okay. They have a fit every time we see them, Zoe.”

“They didn’t last time. Things were good last time.”

“Sure they were. Like you weren’t starting to get those mysterious bruises you won’t tell anyone about.”

“I never-”

“No, I saw them, Zoe. Mom did too. That’s why she asked me about them. I didn’t have the heart to tell her you were sleeping around again-”

And then Connor’s head flies back because Zoe kicks him in the chest slightly. “That _never_ happened, and you know it!”   
And then Connors sitting up again, pushing Zoe back as hard as he can. “Well what the hell else am I supposed to believe?”

And then Jared and Evan are holding Connor back and Alana is holding Zoe, who breaks into sobs.

“Why didn’t anyone ask me why I punched Mr. Call last year?”

They all give Zoe a look. Connor scoffs. “What?”  
“No one ever asked me the reason. I just got suspended. And my first strike.”

“I thought he gave you a C on our biome project.” Jared said.

Zoe gained her composure and wiped a tear from her eye. “It was because when I asked him to explain the C, he tried to grab my bra, so I punched him. Because since freshman year, people have thought it was okay to tug my sleeves off and snap my bra and pull on my belt loops and wring me around by the arm and grab me by the hips. That’s why I want this plan to go through, too. Get revenge on the people who caused all those bruises.” Zoe spat and stood up, storming off through the woods back toward the school.

Everyone else sat in complete silence, watching her walk away. Connor balked at his sister’s disappearing form- he’d had no idea that’d been happening. He couldn’t really fathom it. He pushed his sister. He was just like everyone else.

“I’m gonna go catch up with her. Jared?” Alana said, and Jared nodded. The two rose and walked in the same direction Zoe had ran off in. Leaving Connor and Evan at the base of the tree. In silence for multiple moments, before Connor started to laugh, Evan watching in somewhat horror.

“What?”

“I can’t believe it. I am _so_ much worse of a person than I realized.”

“Connor-”

“Listen, whatever you’re about to say, it’s not true. I’m not a good person. I’m abusive and loud and reckless and I don’t consider other people because I don’t consider myself. I should go.” Connor rolled over to get up, but Evan pulled him back.

“No. Stay.”

“Why?”  
“Because I’ve seen this before. And it doesn’t end well.”

“Really. How does it end?”

Evan takes a shaky breath. “Did I tell you how I broke my arm?”  
Connor shakes his head. “A tree, right?”

“Yeah.” Evan nods. “I jumped.”

Connor’s heart nearly stops. Evan, sitting there, with dark eyes and such a stressed out, weak body, sitting criss-cross next to him. There’s sadness in the dark eyes, and fear, Connor can see. Connor is usually bad at detecting emotions, so it comes as a surprise to him when he can tell what Evan is showing.

“I- you what?”

“I jumped. Because I was just a burden on other people. I had no friends except for the kids of my mom’s friends- they had to hang out with me, and they certainly didn’t enjoy it. I was a loser, and I was too fidgety and anxious for my own good. I’m such a bad person, no one wants to hang out with me, and so I think sometimes… why bother living when I’d be better off dead? Like- I’d be happier dead. Sometimes I feel like I’m only friends with you guys because we’re all roommates.” Evan breathes.  
“If you died before I met you, I’d be dead now too, you know. From doing reckless things.”

“Am I really the stopper for you?” Evan asked.

“And if we were only friends because we’re roommates, I wouldn’t do this.” Connor said, and pulled Evan into a gentle kiss, to which Evan accepted, but let his entire face go red.

Connor wrapped his arm around Evan and let him nestle into his chest, while leaves fell off the trees around them. There were soft white petals falling all around them, and now they were getting on the boys’ clothes, making them laugh while they chatted.

Evan learned that while Connor had never actively attempted suicide, he did come super close to death his eighth grade year. He had swallowed one too many pills while trying to get high and Zoe found him lying at the foot of his bed, foaming at the mouth. He remembered her screaming and crying. Because no matter how much of an asshole he was to her, she didn’t want to see him die. She was considerate.

And he had just pushed her over before learning that she was a sexual harassment victim.

It was dark when they woke up, and drizzling too. They didn’t bother racing back to the dorm however, just gingerly walking, admiring the campus. They stopped at the cafe and Connor rushed inside to grab some food, but Evan didn’t want to eat any of it.

When they finally got back to the dorm room, the warmly and dryly dressed Jared just facepalmed at the two who were soaked and threw them clothes to change into because “you’re not getting any water or mold on _these_ hardwood floors, not my room”. So Connor and Evan were condemned to the bathroom to dry off for a good while. When they felt dried off enough to change, Evan raced into a stall as quick as he could, because he didn’t realize how little trouble Connor would have changing out in the open.

“Why are you so… not weirded out about changing in front of people?”

“I think it’s cause when I was younger we had to change in the wings of the theatre during dance recitals so that we could make it onstage for our next number, so everyone backstage saw you. If you moved ever so slightly from the corner then the entire audience could see you. What a plus.”

“I never would’ve pinned you for one of those crazy open guys.”

“I’m not anymore. I only take privates now. I haven’t danced in front of anyone but my coach since the sixth grade.”

“I mean, besides me.”

“Right. Because you were stalking me.”

“Affectionately observing.”

“Right. Cause you’re a dork.”

“Connor Murphy just used the word ‘dork’ someone call the police please!”

///

“Hey, sorry I’m late, rehearsal went longer than expected. We had a bit of a tech malfunction.” Alana said, sliding into a chair at the corner of the cafe, books in hand and fatigue stricken across her face.

Jared put down his drink and sighed. “It’s okay. No worries.”

“How’s your eye?” she asks, taking a sip of her own drink.

Jared shrugs. “I have to wear this stupid patch over it until it’s healed. My lip feels like hell, though.”

“It’s going to help it get better, though. Probably not the thing to be complaining about.” Alana says, narrowing her eyes.

“I should be complaining about the fact that my ex-friends punched me in the face and didn’t get in trouble!” Jared exclaims.

“I know. But this’ll all be over in a couple of days. Hopefully.”

“I’m just so tired now. When assignments picked up and stuff and I…”

“You seemed fine when we studied together the other day.” Alana says.

Jared shrugs. “Yeah, yeah It’s just… other things.”

Alana cocks her head. “Like what?”

“I’ve been kinda down, I mean… I’m going home to my sister and grandma next week, but I’m still not allowed to see Mom. And I spend all my time doing homework or dicking around on the computer because Evan and Connor are too busy making out all the time to do anything.” Jared sighs and rolls his eyes.

Alana giggles, but stops when she sees her boyfriend’s face. “Sorry. I’m sorry they’re ignoring you. It’d be funny if they were actually making out though.”

Jared looks up. “They are.” he stops cold. “I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.”

Alana looks surprised for a split second, but she just nods and takes another sip of her drink. “I understand being angry enough at them to do it, though.”

Jared shakes his head. “Being annoyed that you’re getting more ignored isn’t really a good enough reason to out someone without permission. Just- they were talking about telling you and Zoe at opening night tomorrow, just, try to act like you didn’t know.”

“Of course. But- Connor and Zoe’s parents are gonna _be at_ the show tomorrow, are they gonna…?”

“I don’t know. Probably wait until they leave.”

///

Jared and Evan buzz a little bit as they sit down in the creaky chairs in the school auditorium that night, programs in hand. Also in their hands are three bouquets- Jared holds one red rose bouquet for Alana, Evan with a red bouquet for Connor and a yellow one for Zoe.

Jared taps him on the arm. “They spelled Alana’s name wrong.” he laughs, and Evan looks down at his program.

VERONICA SAWYER  - MAI NOMURA

J.D. - CONNOR MURPHY

HEATHER CHANDLER - ALANA BACK

HEATHER MCNAMARA - DAISY KETS

And so on and so forth, “Back” seems like a much worse name to have. Evan smirks. “That’s...she must be pretty upset.” the two start to giggle and try not to let it turn into full on laughter, but Jared does Snapchat it for safekeeping.

They turn around to see if anyone else is trickling in, and they recognize the middle aged couple that walks in just as the lights are going down because of all the pictures Zoe and Connor showed them- Larry and Cynthia decided to show up.

The lights go up onstage and the show begins, a world of color and dark 80s humor. Most of what the ensemble says can’t be understood, but the leads are loud and clear, which leads the directors up front, and a couple of others, to shift uncomfortably when Veronica yells the line “and being a huge dick!”.

The rest of the number goes okay- for the most part. Jared’s mouth practically drops when Alana turns on her heel and struts downstage in her costume, with an air of confidence he and Evan haven’t seen before- and it suits her well. A couple of other people’s mouths drop when she gets called a “mythic bitch” too.

The show continues. Some people gasp when Alana makes an eating disorder joke or one of the other Heathers mentions masturbation, but the only people who are uncomfortable the entire time are the directors.

And then Connor enters and stage punches a kid right in the mouth.

Evan thinks it’s pretty hot, because he has problems and is new to this boyfriend thing.

Things go okay. There’s teenage drinking at one point. And then Veronica smokes a joint onstage and Ram screams about alcohol and Evan’s pretty sure he sees someone leave out of the corner of his eye. And then Veronica sings about sex and then Connor’s onstage and then they’re singing and there’s an audible yet indescribable noise that only could’ve come from Connor’s dad when he throws his shirt off onstage.

It’s pretty hilarious.

Then someone else gasps when Alana falls dead onstage and then continues to sing and dance, and then someone _definitely_ leaves when Connor fake shoots the other boy at the end of Act 1.

The rainbow gay acceptance song probably makes a few people grumble, and then Alana returns as a creepy-ass ghost that still has Jared’s eyes locked on her. Connor is back too, as a gun-wielding psychopath who breaks into Veronica’s house and sings a song about being a gun-wielding psychopath- Evan hates the character, but he also never realized how good a singer Connor was, so he smiles during the song, which makes Jared nudge him and give him an _are you insane?_ look.

And then Alana disappears. And there’s a cry from the back that sounds like Connor’s mom when he gets shot and then blows up. And then the cast is singing, and it’s over.

Evan and Jared stand with a bunch of the audience, clapping as hard as they can, and Jared shouts Zoe’s name when the orchestra is acknowledged, which makes her blush even though she can’t see them.

Zoe rushes out to Evan and Jared as soon as the house lights come up, hugging them and graciously taking the flowers from Evan and awkwardly chatting.

Alana and Connor sneak up behind Zoe and surprise the other three. Alana takes Jared’s flowers and kisses him on the cheek without question, but when Connor does the same to Evan, it raises the eyebrow of his sister.

“Is there something I need to know about?” Zoe jokes.

“Surprise.” Connor says, pulling her in for a side hug and ruffling her hair.

“Man, our directors were so mad at intermission. We were supposed to take all the inappropriate stuff out.” Alana giggles.

“I mean if they didn’t want us to do the inappropriate stuff, we shouldn’t’ve done a show like this.” Connor shrugs. They hear someone clear their throat and look up to see Cynthia and Larry, and so Zoe and Connor approach them.

Cynthia takes no liberties in hugging both of her children, while Larry just pats them on the shoulder.

“Oh, you two were just wonderful! I’m so proud!” Cynthia exclaims.  
“I uh, wasn’t expecting that scene.” Larry says awkwardly, and Connor just laughs right out loud, to his family’s surprise. Alana slides past them to talk to two middle aged women with their arms out to give her a large hug.

///

Alana and Zoe decided to go with some other cast members out to dinner and Jared had tagged along- he didn’t have to be back by curfew, so he wouldn’t. This left a giggly and absolutely buzzing Connor and Evan to stumble back into the dorm room together.

“Y’know, that one scene was pretty good, but I could tell you were faking it super hard.” Evan says, sliding off his shoes.

Connor sighs. “Of course. I had to, how could I even pretend I liked it when I knew I had the real deal?” he says and pulls Evan in by his belt loops, smashing their lips together hard. When Evan doesn’t pull out, Connor steps back and sits on his bed, letting Evan wrap his legs around him.

“You were awesome, you know.”

“Yeah, I do.” Connor pulls Evan back in by the shirt, and Evan begins playing around with the bottom of Connor’s shirt, slowly riding it up. Connor gets the gist and leans back to pull it off, Evan putting his hands all around his boyfriend’s back.

Connor pushes Evan back into the bedpost and moves from Evan’s mouth to his neck while unbuttoning his shirt. When he does, he slides Evan down so that he’s down on the bed with Connor over him.

They press their foreheads together and laugh, and then Connor begins to press kisses to Evan again, from his mouth to his neck, and then he goes further down his chest and stomach, and Evan groans.

“You’re amazing.”

“I know.”

They drift off and fall asleep together, and Jared’s not even surprised when he enters the dorm room to find the two in bed together with their clothes thrown all over the room. He actually just chuckles and climbs into his own bed.

Things seemed good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> paaaaast the point of no retuuuuuuurn
> 
> the ch title is taken from the song "Froot" by Marina and the Diamonds. A+ song tbh.


	14. I'm More The One Who's Left Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Murphy siblings- always knew they'd be the crazy ones.

Evan and Connor have to shake themselves awake at around four in the morning and scramble to put clothing on when their roommate starts screaming in his sleep again. 

When they check on Jared, he hasn’t woken up either, so they gently shake him awake, where he’s panting and batting at the hand touching his leg.

“It’s just us. No need to freak out.”

Jared catches his breath and buries his face in his hands.

“Are you okay? This keeps happening and it’s weird.” Evan asks, only seeming half-concerned. 

Jared nods and pats the patch on his eye. “It’s- it’s fine, I ran out of meds yesterday so I don’t have them right now, but I’m going home over the- the weekend, so I’ll be fine.”

Evan and Connor share a look, but then shrug and step down from the bed, climbing back into Connor’s together. Jared slams his head against the pillow and reaches out to play with the  textured paint on the ceiling.

///

The next afternoon, Evan and Connor come back into the dorm to Jared stuffing some clothes into an overnight bag.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Where were you two off to? Unless it’s some weird sex cave- I don’t want to know about that.” Jared says.

Connor giggles and Evan punches him in the arm. “We went to lunch with Zoe and my parents. And Alana and hers.” Connor says.

“Oh. Cool.” Jared says, turning back to his bag.

After a few minutes, Jared reaches for something on top of a side table and holds it out to Evan. “I made this in 3D printing, but I don’t know what I’ll ever do with it, so… you want it?”

Evan looks up. “Oh! It’s the bradford pear! That’s really cool. Uh- sure. I can put it right here.” He says and takes it. He notices that Jared’s section of the drawer has become strangely barren for someone going on a weekend trip.

“Well...my grandmother should be here any second so… bye guys.”

“Bye!” Connor calls as Jared races out to the old Cadillac, climbing into the car.

“Hi Jared!” his sister calls a little too loudly from the back as he hops in the car. “Still wearing girl sweaters, I see.”

He rolls his eyes. “Johanna. Still being a-” he cuts himself off. “Hi nan. I wasn’t expecting you to take the Caddy.”

The woman in the front shrugs. “I figured it was more roomy now that your grandfather’s filled the van with nothing but cases of green tea for our Hershey trip next week.”

He laughs as the car pulls out.

///

Alana enters the dorm room late that night, cackling. Zoe sits up and gives her a strange look. “Something happen?”   
“Administration came to the show tonight- our plan worked!”

Zoe’s eyes light up. “Really?! What’d they get?!”

“Suspension for  _ two weeks. _ Still required to make up all the work when they get back.”   
Zoe shrugs. “Still good for those assholes. Is the cast in trouble?”

Alana shakes her head. “Nope. Connor got yelled at by director-man during intermission because of how he was explicitly told the sex scene was to be cut and that was one of the biggest shoe-ins that he was the one who planned putting all the bad stuff back in- I mean, he  _ was,  _ but administration didn’t believe that. We’re home free, sister!” Alana cheered, and Zoe hopped up and wrapped her arms around her, kissing her on the cheek.

“Oh- sorry-” she pulled off. “You have a boyfriend. Forgot for a second.”

“It’s okay,” Alana chuckled, “I did too.” she gave Zoe a peck on the cheek and climbed into her own bed.

///

The next day is when things go downhill.

Connor and Alana make their way out to the house after the final  _ Heathers  _ performance, where everyone is milling around and talking to people. Zoe is talking to their physics teacher, Mr. Call, who hugs her and is standing a little close for Connor’s liking- but he shakes it off, because he’s probably getting that overprotective brother mindset again that he develops sometimes. Alana walks off to skip out with her moms, who are taking her to some fancy planetarium show that night or something. Connor watches Zoe. 

The conversation looks like it’s going okay, but he can see Zoe growing more uncomfortable, and he wishes he knew what they were talking about.

She flinches when the teacher puts a hand on her arm, then on her shoulder when she brushes it off. This happens for a few moments until he reaches again and-

“WILL YOU PLEASE, STOP-” “ _ STOP! _ ”

The entire room stops. Like it’s floating.

“Connor!”

Connor just punched a teacher in the mouth. After Zoe screamed at him.

“Murphys. Now.”

It’s a walk of shame as Connor and Zoe jaunt out of the auditorium, Connor still in costume. They don’t look at each other or anyone else while they slump off to the office.

The Murphy siblings- always knew they’d be the crazy ones.

“Principal McCase, I-”

“That’s quite enough noise from you, Miss Murphy. I’m going to do the talking now. This is your second strike-”

“What?”

“-Please. And I will be calling your parents. As for you, Connor, this is only your first strike, but it was an assault. I’m calling you two’s parents and suggesting they take you home for two days.”

Principal McCase picks up the phone and dials a number the siblings can recognize is their fathers’.

He picks up in just a few seconds.   
“Yes? Is everything alright?”   
“Mr. Murphy? I’m calling about Connor and Zoe. They’ve just assaulted a teacher. I’m suspending them for two days.”

They can hear Larry sigh over the phone and can visualize him rubbing his temple and burying his face in his hands.

“Tell them to pack what they need. I’ll be there in about three hours. I’ll deal with them then.”

“Dad, it’s not-”

“Zoe. I’ll talk to you later.” Larry says and says goodbye to Principal McCase, hanging up.

“You heard your father. Go.”

Connor and Zoe trudge out to the quad.

“I didn’t want you to step in. I could’ve handled him myself.”

“And get suspended all on your own? Sure.”

“I didn’t want you to help me, Connor. I’m my own person. I don’t need…”

“Don’t need what, Zoe?”

“I’m not so weak that everytime I get into a bad situation I have to be saved by my freak ass brother!”   
“I’m not the freak, Zoe, you are! You’re the one who got yourself into the mess where people think it’s okay to touch you all the time, I’m just making sure they don’t!”

“Well what if I don’t want you to do that anymore?”

“What, you want to let everyone walk all over you? Do whatever they want?”

“I don’t want my weird ass brother acting like he has to be my savior- I want to be able to assert myself, Connor!”

“Fine, assert yourself!” Connor yells, and he doesn't stop or think and he’s shoved Zoe to the ground.

Connor stands in silence watching Zoe’s sweater fall to her wrists, seeing the bruises dancing all up her arms as she crawls to her feet, tears welling in her eyes.

“So you’re not gonna say anything.” Zoe says through tears. “Figures. I thought you were getting better. Guess I was wrong. I’ll always be wrong, then.”

She storms off in the opposite direction, toward the girls dorms, leaving Connor to stumble toward his own dorm, wiping small tears from his face, mumbling to himself “I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m…” 

“I think I’m trying.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is taken from the song "More Than Survive" from the musical Be More Chill! Good show good show
> 
> Uh so next chapter is going to be the climax of the story. yeah. There'll be a couple of follow-up chapters after that, but uh. Yeah. We're windin down here. Also Im going into hiding after the next chapter goes up cause y'all gonna kill me  
> (not really but its funny to say)
> 
> anyway i have eleven days of school left and my teacher is wondering what im doing on my school laptop bYE


	15. To The Souls In The Fool's Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why can't we all just be normal?

Something is eerie to Evan about sleeping in the dorm room all alone. It’s empty, all on one side of the room, and he knows that Jared and Connor are just at home, but it feels…weird without them. Mainly because he hasn’t been without them in weeks.

Things are weird the next day, too, without Zoe. He actually manages to go to the cafe with Alana that afternoon while she eats lunch. He’s not hungry, he decides, but he does enjoy being able to hang out with Alana.

“I have this project due for Economics later this week, it’s taken me _all day._ Thank goodness for study periods, right?” she says, and Evan laughs in agreement. He doesn’t want to do his own Spanish project, but it continues to sit at the edge of his bed, taunting him. Evan really hates his Spanish teacher. He wants to leave it there out of spite, really. Alana would have an aneurysm if he told her this though, so he just agreed with her.

“I stayed up way too late doing my Psychology outline last night. Professor Gray won’t give us the time of day.” Evan says, balling up his fists in his hoodie.

Alana nods. “Are you doing okay with it, though?”

“Ech- I think so? I made like, an 80 on the last outline though, so I’m passing at least.” Evan shrugs.

“If you ever need my notes, I’d be willing to give them to you. So how’s Connor doing? Zoe doesn’t want to talk about him.”

Evan shrugs. He really enjoyed talking about domestic things like classes. It was a bit of a good distraction.

“He says he’s fine. He won’t leave his room, even to eat, even though I told him he should.”

Alana sighs. “I wish he’d take care of himself more. He worries me so much.”

Evan shakes his head. “Me too.”

“What about that Geometry homework? Did you understand that? Cause I didn’t.” Alana admits. It surprises Evan, actually.

“Yeah, I did. The inverted angles were a little confusing, but I think I got it.” he says. Alana offers him a cup of something, but he refuses it simply.

The rest of the day blurs by. Evan actually gets so bored at one point, he buckles down and does his Spanish project because it’s due tomorrow and he needs something to do while he’s alone.

Evan tries to sleep that night too, but it still feels eerie. Someone should be looking at him. There should be a faint light coming from the top bunk next to him, and the bottom bunk should be creaking like on the nights that his boyfriend would get particularly restless.

He wants Connor there. So he can remind him things are going to be fine, and so he can tell Connor the same. He wants Connor and Zoe to get along, and he wants everyone to be happy. He wants to cry, he feels so much pressure.

He does cry. Why can’t things be normal? Why does he have to be alone in the dorm room by himself because Connor couldn’t control himself? Why can’t Connor control himself? Why do bad things need to happen?

Why did Evan come to this stupid school in the first place?

It’s too much all at once for Evan. He wants to lay on the ground and forget about everything, let the carpet and the piping and the under workings and the ground eat him up, let everyone forget about his existence.

This itches him too much at one point in the night, so he gets out of his own bed and climbs into Connor’s. The blanket smells like him; a strange mix of red wine, honeysuckle, and apple. Evan has no idea where the wine scent comes from since he knows for a fact that Connor doesn’t drink but only on certain occasions (the kid’s far too much of a lightweight), but it doesn’t bother him, and he can actually manage to fall asleep faster than he has all year.

The next morning, however, does feel a little weird. Evan wakes up and stares at the bottom of the bed above him, but makes himself turn over when he reads over the same vandalism over and over again. It’s November and _freezing_ and he just wants to stay in bed forever. He fiddles around with railing until he notices a piece of paper shoved in between the railing and the mattress. He pulls it out and sees a few scribbled words he knows he shouldn’t read, but… he does anyway. It’s a note that reads:

_I love you a lot. All of you. Too much, really. But I can’t show it in the right way. And sometimes I feel like none of you see me, and frankly it’s because I’m a dick and I can’t blame you. I don’t know if you even really want to be friends with me sometimes. Actually, a lot of the time. It’s why I don’t interject in conversations as much anymore and I don’t yell like I used to and I thought this was a good idea but. This whole friends thing. It just doesn’t seem to work out, but I can only think of how to get out of it. I wish… I wish there was something else I could do. To make them see me again. To make them appreciate me and treat me as an equal. Part of me says I’d be better off without them, but the other part of me knows no one else would be my friend. Because I’m just a terrible person. There’s no other way to get out of this then. I can’t be a good friend, all I ever do is inconvenience them._

_I wonder if they take notice. To the change. To the new demeanor._

_I’ve never used the word ‘demeanor’ before._

_I want them to see me for who I am, not who I pretend I am. But the problem is, I’m too scared to show them who I am, because I’m not as good of a person._

_Not as good of a person, but it won’t be me pretending to be a fake person anymore._

_I hope they know I love them a lot though._

Evan breathes heavily and scrambles for his phone, shooting a text to Connor.

 **Are you okay?** **  
** _What? Yes, I’m fucking fine. Stuck at home because I was trying to defend someone._

 **Sorry. Right.**  

He wonders if maybe… Connor isn’t fine. Yes, he knew Connor had a lot of issues and struggles like he had, but he never thought about them too deeply before. His heart dropped. Things were going to be fine.

He hadn’t been there when Connor and Zoe got in trouble the day before, but he knows what happened. Because Connor yelled about it and Zoe until their dad showed up.

God, he hopes they’re okay.

He doesn’t know if Alana got caught up in the mess, but he hopes she’s okay too.

He just wants them to be okay. He agrees with the note.

Evan sits in his Spanish desk, the one next to him oddly empty. His heart is sinking because today they’re supposed to present projects on a Spanish-speaking country and he does _not_ want to stand in front of the class and speak in broken Spanish for five minutes- while Zoe’s not here, of all things.

Other people go up and speak and seem to have no problem speaking with the worst pronunciation Evan’s ever heard, but he’s still shaking over not saying something in the right conjugation and getting points taken off.

Just as he’s about to hand the teacher his rubric, her phone rings and she answers, and her face falls when she’s hearing whatever’s being said over the phone.

“Okay, thanks. Evan, hold onto your papers, you can present later this week cause they need you in the office.”

“Oh ok. Thanks.” Evan scampers back to his desk and throws his things in, slinging the backpack over his shoulder and rushing out into the hallway to catch his breath.

Okay, so he had been called into the office. He didn’t know why. Was he in trouble? He’d gotten that thirty minute detention but that was supposed to be it, right?

Maybe his mom was pulling him out of school.

Or she died.

Now he wanted to cry because he was thinking about his mom dying and he didn’t want to think about it.

But he didn’t cry because he texted his mom last night, she _obviously_ didn’t die.

Maybe he was going to get a reward. For doing what, he didn’t know. Sitting in the piano room when he’s upset? Maybe.

But then he enters the office.

“Evan, great, sit down please.”

“What’s going on? Am I in trouble?”

“No, no Evan. Not at all. Please sit.” Principal McCase takes a deep breath, and there’s a secretary he’s never met before sitting next to him pulling out a couple of sheets of paper, then stopping to look at McCase, who hasn’t said anything.

He takes a deep breath. The world is moving at 0.00004 miles an hour for Evan right now.

“I’m really very sorry, I’m not sure how to tell you this. I know, that… death can be very hard to deal with sometimes, and…”

He fades out, and apparently Evan’s become a good actor because McCase doesn’t seem to be able to detect the immediate panic in Evan’s heart and throat.

He should’ve kept texting Connor.

Talked to his mom for longer.

Checked in on Alana.

Called Zoe.

“And, I don’t know how particularly close you are with your roommates, but to have one of them take their own life is especially traumatizing, and we’d like to-”

Evan shakes his head. It wasn’t true. Connor _said_ he was fine and they _just_ talked and no no no no no no no no no no Connor _had_ to still be alive because he was _in love with him_ and he couldn’t let this happen _no please no._

“That’s not true. I talked to him this morning.” Evan mumbles to himself. “He’s fine.”

McCase raises an eyebrow and looks at the papers quickly before looking back up at Evan. “I’m sure we had it right… Evan Hansen correct? You’re Jared Kleinman’s roommate?”

Evan’s face goes white. “Wh...what happened?”

McCase places his hands on the table and gives Evan the least condescending look he can. “Jared…” he says with a shaky breath, “took his own life. Two days ago.”

Nothing is real to Evan anymore. He’s spiraling downward, he wants to curl up in the piano room and never come out.  
“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m so sorry Evan, but I’m not...lying.”

Jared and Connor need to stop fighting before Evan drives himself crazy.

Why can’t Jared and Zoe make up?

Why does Connor have to be so reckless all the time?

When will Alana realize that people aren’t computers?

Zoe needs to learn to breathe, chill out.

“I’m very sorry, Evan. If you were friends.”

Evan stands and nods, walking out of the room. He walks.

He walks.

He walks down the familiar hall he knew so well before. The hall no one used but him.

He enters the piano room where he and Zoe had, just weeks before, played the piano together and laughed just to calm down.

And now he slumped into the corner.

He didn’t cry. He barely blinked.

He didn’t think it was real. It took him a moment to actually get the idea through his skull.

Part of him says _this is your fault._

Part of him says _this was his decision, get over it._

Part of him screams.

Part of him shakes.

All of him shakes. All of him shakes and he doesn’t yell but he buries his head in his arms and knees and sobs.

And he sobs, and there are tears everywhere. He wants to punch the wall but he also doesn’t have the energy to.

_I loved him so much. Why couldn’t he tell? He was our friend, we loved him._

_Except for when we didn’t._

Evan wants to change it all. He wants to throw something and wake up and realize that it’s just…

He doesn’t know what. But he wants to know that it’s okay.  He wants to be _normal._

_Why can’t we all just be normal?_

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title taken from the song "Whispering" from Spring Awakening aka my forever and always fave show
> 
> anyway (bolts into woods)


	16. Once You See, You Can't Unsee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wishes things were different. And he realizes that he didn’t want things different before they went to the worst.

The eerie silence of the dorm room has become unbearably choking for Evan. He lays in bed that night and stares at the wall. He refuses to turn over and stare at the other beds. He can’t look at it and flashback to the first day- when Connor started a trend of kicking up Jared’s bed and Jared always complained he’d made a huge mistake picking the bed above Connor’s.

He wondered when they were going to start picking up Jared’s stuff. If they ever were. If he’d attend the funeral. If there was going to be a funeral.

Evan blames himself. And to some extent, the other three.  _ To make them treat me as an equal.   _ When Evan remembered the note, he realized just how much they’d neglected Jared- they  _ knew  _ he had mental blocks unlike anything the other four had, which made it a little challenging to deal with him sometimes, but only now did he see how much they treated him as an inferior- like he was just along for the ride. It was hard to, when he acted like a kid, but that was no reason for them to not include him.

_ But he deserved it. _

But he didn’t. He may have been inconsiderate at times, more so than the others, but that is no...excuse. Evan himself is a firm believer in the fact that no one deserves death- except himself, sometimes- and someone who was so seemingly comfortable with themselves doing this confused him.

He pulled his blanket tighter around him. He wanted Connor there. To wrap his arms around him and tell him that everything would be okay, they were all safe. He wanted Jared to burst in and laugh at them, jumping in between and accidentally crushing Connor’s arm like he did that one time.

But now, the room was dark. And silent. And Evan cried.

Evan had not decided it was time to stop crying yet. 

He wishes things were different. And he realizes that he didn’t want things different before they went to the worst. 

He thought about Jared’s family. He knew that Jared hated his sister. He wondered about how she felt now. He also knew Jared adored his grandmother.

God, that poor woman. He hoped she hadn’t been the one to find him. He wondered how she felt about it- Jared had mentioned her being highly religious. Jared had broken a law. Evan could see her being spiteful and bitter about Jared’s “selfishness”. He didn’t want to, of course. But he did.

Would Jared’s mother ever be told? If she was, would she even remember the next day?

Do Connor and Zoe know yet?

///

This is it. The most emotionally drained Connor will ever be in his life.

The drive back to the school is silent, Cynthia keeping her eyes glued to the road. Connor in the backseat, staring at nothing, eyes stinging from tears and fatigue. Zoe was cradled under his arm, still crying. She had just found out before leaving, Connor having known since a few hours before. They forgot about their anger at each other, and Connor held his sister close, not looking at her because he knew he'd cry again.

He didn't let his parents see him crying. Obviously not. He went to his room and shed a few tears.

What was the kid thinking? Was he fucking insane?

Maybe he was. They'd never know now.

Connor’s ashamed. His first thought was “damn bastard beat me to it.”

He doesn’t want to seem like he’s upset. Not because of his normal “I don’t harness emotion” attitude, but more his “I don’t want my sister and mom to be too worried about me” mindset.

It was kinda funny his mom hadn’t mentioned his deadpan.

Despite this face, Connor is upset. Connor is very, very upset.

He has time to admit things to himself.

Every single kid who sat under that tree and hung out and planned pranks was fucked up. Fucked up beyond belief, and the other four people around them weren’t going to be the things that miraculously saved them. Earlier, Connor had admitted that if it weren’t for compromising to be Jared’s friend and getting together with Evan, he’d probably be dead. That was true. But his love for Evan and his friends was not going to be the thing that fixed his mental illness, or made him happy or not anxious. They were just the things that made Connor wake up and say “hey, things are a little happier now. I have three friends and a sister I’m working on my relationship with.” 

Well, make that two friends.

He looked down at Zoe. He had an arm protectively wrapped around her. This was something else that was emotionally exhausting for Connor. Just two days ago, he’d thrown Zoe down and yelled at her. Just a few days before that, they were laughing and bantering with each other. And just before that, they were yelling at each other. He couldn’t stand this anymore. On and off. On and off. On and off. He knows they need to do something about it, he just doesn’t know what.

Zoe mumbles something about Jared through tears and the distraction fades from Connor’s mind.

Cynthia has to pull over so Connor can throw up.

Zoe hasn't processed anything. She can't.

This is how it feels to be completely numb to everything. To not feel your body and no emotion to make it through your head.

Zoe digs her fingernails into her face- why couldn't she get it through her skull? Why couldn't she put those words together: Jared, gone. Jared died. They don't  _ sound right.  _ They sound like a joke. A terrible, horrible, joke. They shouldn't be put together, but Zoe knows they should. They're not real.

Connor grabs Zoe's hands and holds them in his. He uses his other hand to brush her hair back and make sure she hasn’t broken any skin.

They know they’ll have to talk about it soon. But they don’t want to do it now.

They hope they don’t ever have to. But they can’t keep doing this. This back and forth bullshit is taking far too much of a toll on them.

///

Alana’s hands haven’t stopped shaking. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

This was not supposed to happen.

So how was it happening?

It’s like her brain is malfunctioning and moving at a million miles an hour. And she doesn’t want to speak.

She  _ loved  _ Jared. She was in love. At least she thought she was. She never really knew. But regardless, he was her friend- one of her best friends.

He seemed fine when they went on a date a little while before- that she was late to. And also when they went out with the cast, even though she talked to Zoe the whole time, and…

_ God,  _ she should have known. She should have known and made him feel included, feel better, feel… something more than however he felt the night he decided to die.

How long had he been planning? The trips, the apologies, the...giving his things away. He gave Evan all those trees he made in 3D printing, and Alana knew she had more than enough of his sweaters and shirts in her drawer…

She’d had her moments of “it’s not real, he’s still here” but that had worn off and she was now stuck looking at the ceiling and tapping her pencil to her leg, not thinking at all yet also contemplating everything.

How did she get herself in this situation?

This is why Alana decides she doesn’t like making friends. Her only roommate screamed at her before leaving. Her first boyfriend killed himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lil short bb chapter for your "getting closer to closure" pleasure
> 
> chapter title is taken from the song "Once You See" from Carrie: The Musical which is so fucking good omg


	17. Don't Come Any Closer But Don't Move Away

Connor drops his bag at the door when he walks in. Evan moves ever so slowly and lets out a sigh of relief at the sight of his boyfriend in the doorway, who shuts the door and gestures towards Evan’s bed. Without hesitation, Evan moves and lets Connor slide in next to him, wrapping his arms around him and letting Evan breathe into his shoulder.  
Neither of them cry. The tears are gone from their faces and there’s nothing but red stained faces, one empty bed, and each other.  
“It’s really happening, isn’t it?” Evan asks, looking up at Connor.  
Connor nods. “Yeah. Yeah it is. I don’t- get it. How does someone look so fine, yet be able to do something like this?”  
Evan stirs, shifting his weight so he can look Connor in the eye. “It gets easy after a while. You don’t say anything because you don’t want anyone intruding on your life until it bottles up and you want to go without leaving anything behind.”  
Connor pushes a piece of Evan’s hair that is sticking out and looks at his large eyes and the bridge of his nose, how the freckles are more intense on top where there’s a slight disfiguration from an incident with a broom Evan had told him about, and how his eyes are strained and puffy and broken.  
“Do...do you feel like that?”  
“Sometimes. A lot more than I’d like to admit...but it’s nothing. I always get over it.”  
Connor can feel his heart drop.  
Connor didn't like to talk about feelings- they made him antsy and squirmy. He hates being more normal than everyone around him, how they were beautifully expressing themselves but they definitely needed help.  
Connor was in no position to be calling himself “normal”, especially when comparing himself to everyone else, and he curses at himself inside his head for that.  
It's just that his brain doesn't have as many malfunctions as the others- barely any, actually.  
And here he was, thinking he could actually comfort someone so amazing yet so broken as Evan. Someone who needed help that Connor couldn't give to him because he didn't understand it and he didn't know how to understand it.  
Evan curls up into the crook of Connor's neck and Connor pets his hair, feeling the breath coming from each of them making the cold of November suddenly warmer than summer.  
“We’ll be okay.”  
“How can you know?”  
“I...I don't know, Evan. I honestly don’t. But the least we can do is try.”  
///  
Alana and Zoe don't speak to each other, because neither of them want to talk.  
Alana's angry. She's angry at herself for being a whiny brat, and at everyone else for not seeing anything, and at Jared for being so selfish.  
No. Don’t use the word selfish. Even if all he was thinking about was himself and didn’t think of how everyone would react and take it and how much she just wants him back but she also wants to sit up and let herself move forward.  
Now she was being selfish. She deserves to feel upset. Upset about ignoring him, mad at herself for not doing anything like she should have, she should have seen, she should have known.  
Alana sticks her feet up and watches them dance in circles, rotating around the ankles, mind blank. Her stomach has a void in it.  
Zoe has steadied her breathing for now. She doesn’t want to think about anything anymore, things are racing too much.  
Plus the migraine wasn’t any fun.  
She wishes she hadn’t waited until this year to forgive Jared. Like maybe it could’ve stopped him, or at least given her a chance to be friends with him for longer.  
She’s gonna be sick.  
///  
None of the four go to the school memorial.  
It’s drizzling, but they sit under their tree anyway, Zoe slamming down next to the other three with more than enough beers to get them all a little bit buzzed.  
“It’s total bullshit. There’s gonna be people all ‘oh, he was a wonderful guy, we were so close, I miss him so much’ when they didn’t do shit for that kid, and that’s why he’s gone.” Connor says, cracking open a beer.  
“I’m sure they weren’t expecting him to die, Connor.” Alana says.  
“But they sure as hell should’ve known it could’ve happened. Don’t let someone die before changing the way you fucking act around people.” Connor retorts. “And don’t act like you were best fucking friends just because he’s not here anymore and can’t say otherwise.” Connor lays back and lets rain drip on his face.   
Evan curls up against the branch of the tree and covers up his beer right after he takes a sip, not wanting it to get water in it. “It’s not fair, though. Why should other people get to mourn someone they treated like shit? It's sad, but I know for a fact Jared would want us to celebrate him by kicking around beer cans in a forest rather than sitting in a stuffy gym with a yearbook photo he hates plastered out for the entire student body to see.”  
“It's traumatizing, really. I can understand them being in pain.” Alana sighs.  
Zoe kicks a beer can and pulls out another one. She hates the taste, it tastes like blood or mucus medicine, but she chokes it down anyway. “It shouldn’t be traumatizing for people who specifically said they wouldn't give a rat’s ass if he died until he actually did.”  
“You're right. I don't even know why I'm trying to be sympathetic.” Alana grumbles.  
“You’re friends with everyone.” Connor spits, not sitting up. “It makes sense.”  
“I know a lot of people who hate me.” Alana says.  
“Nobody hates you, Alana. Only person who doesn't like you is yourself.” Connor says.  
“Connor. Enough.” Evan snaps.  
“He's right, though. The only thing that makes people not like me is how mad I get at myself.”   
“We like you no matter how mad you get at yourself.” Connor assures.  
Zoe looks at Alana. “And we’re always here to help. We’re friends. We talk to each other.”  
“And we don't...ignore each other so much that they think they’re better off…” Alana stops, choking up. Evan wraps his arms around her as tears start to fall. “I shouldn't have been so ignorant.”  
“Lana, it’s not your fault. It's none of our fault.” Zoe says, but stops when Connor gives her a condescending look.  
“I know, and I know that I should know, but I just….feel so angry at him, then I feel guilty for being angry.”  
“We’re all angry, Alana. It’s expected.” Evan says.  
They sit in silence in an attempt to calm Alana down.   
They sit in silence after that, the clang of one beer can after the other accompanied by the patter of the rain against the leaves being the only thing they focus on.  
///  
No one wants to go home for Winter Break.  
Evan and Connor agree to text every day just to check up on each other, and to video call whenever they can.  
Alana and Zoe text as much as they usually do, making sure the other is okay. Alana doesn't have any real friends back home, and Zoe if course has to deal with her parents.  
They think they'll be fine like this but not two days in Alana starts a big group text and they continually have big video calls- apparently none of them like being alone.  
It's almost like whoever destroyed the wheel is slowly realizing that nothing’s ever gonna happen if they don't fix it. So they're putting it back together one piece at a time, so that it can start turning again.  
On New Year's Eve, Evan is walking in the local park when his phone begins to buzz wildly in his back pocket. He pulls it out, answering the phone to a very scared Connor.  
“H-hey, what's up?”  
“I'm sorry.” He's crying. Not choked up or anything, but full on crying.  
“Connor, what's wrong?”  
“I don't think I can do this anymore Evan.”  
“Connor, what is that supposed to mean? If you're breaking up with me or something that's one thing, but if it's something worse I-”  
“Zoe told my dad about us dating- but it wasn't her fault, please, I-it was an accident.”  
“...oh.”  
Evan didn't know Larry Murphy. He was a stout, older looking man, who also always seemed incredibly tired and had a certain disregard for his family.  
“He said I had to break up with you or get out.”  
“And?”  
“I’m sitting on a bench in the middle of town. I-I was angry, and I knew you were gonna-”  
“Connor, I can't believe you did that. You can't- let your anger do this to you anymore, and now you're- you’re-”  
“-do that. Mom said she'd try to get me back home but I ran and I left and I don't know where I am and Zoe isn't picking up calls or texts and I'm scared.”  
“Why did you leave, I-”  
“Evan, if my father hurt either my mom or Zoe because of me, I'm never gonna let myself live, I just- I wish I were gone already-”  
“Connor. Please listen to me for a few goddamn seconds. You are not better off gone.” Evan realizes he's let out a sob. “I- I can't let this happen again. I- I don't know what to say Connor, I really don't, I'm not- accustomed to this, but for the love of God, stay on the phone with me. Stay.”  
He hears Connor sigh and sniffle before speaking again. “I’ll- I'll try but I don't know what to do-”  
“I'll text Zoe? Ask her to come and find you? Connor are you wearing a jacket?”  
“No. No. And no.” He says.  
Evan wrings his hands across his jacket. “Connor it's freezing in DC right now why aren't you-”  
“I freaked out and left without one, okay? I'm sorry. And maybe it's not as bad where I live as where you are, I might be-fine.”  
Evan rolls his eyes. “For starters, I live in West Virginia, and everything is automatically worse in West Virginia. Secondly, I'm still worried about you even if we’re not in the same place.”  
“Shit. Just got a text from my mom. She's coming to get me. Apparently she won Dad over. I just… I don't know if I want to go back home.”  
Evan breathes heavily. “Well I think you should. I'm sorry, but it's just not safe or-”  
“Safe? To be living in that hell house where every day I feel like me or my sister could die? Where I can't say anything because I feel like I'm gonna get kicked out only for my suspicions to turn true the one time I say anything?” Evan can tell that Connor’s worked up again, because he can hear him choke out a sob. “I'll talk to you later, Ev.”  
“Connor no wait-”  
He hangs up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sister and i have a thing about West Virginia don't take offense
> 
> Chapter title is from the song "Stay" from Amélie which is fantastic and magical


	18. No More Running, No More Lying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s four of them, huddled together like they’re the only ones in the world who matter.

The school play for the spring is announced a couple of weeks after school starts up again- _Carrie._ Connor and Alana have resolved not to audition for this one. Mainly because they were offered to be the directors.

Connor gags when he swallows the pill Saturday morning- his new meds were quite literally the grossest thing he'd ever taken.

“Don't worry, you get used to it.” Evan murmured, dry-swallowing his own and sighing

“I don't get how you do that. It's _disgusting.”_

“Not as disgusting as you and Alana having to find out how to douse someone in fake blood onstage.” Evan snickers.

Connor puts up a finger matter-of-factly. “It's going to be artistic, thank you very much. Are you going to audition for us?” He asks.

Evan shakes his head. “Absolutely not. I thought you said I could do lights or something? No way in hell I’m auditioning.”

Connor rolls his eyes. “Okay then, just thought I'd try. Zoe said she might, Alana's in charge of pestering her to audition because she sure as hell wouldn't listen to me.”

“Well, have fun auditioning a bunch of children. I'll be sitting right here.”

Connor sits up and reaches out to take Evan's hand. “You're taking care of yourself, right?”

“Yes, Connor, I'm fine. What about you?”

“I'm managing. I just don't want you to get distant- I- I- _we_ can't handle another-”

Evan takes Connor's hands and looks him in the eyes. “I know. I'm really scared, honestly. I have been, and it's been two months. Just…” he trails off, moving his thumbs in circles around Connor's palms. “Stay safe. I'm not really sure how to be specific- or how to ensure it, but-”

Connor smirks. “Don't worry. I get what you mean.” He plants a kiss on Evan's forehead and stands up. “I'll be back. Don't run too far without me.”

“I wouldn't dream of it.” Evan sighs.

///

Evan races down to the front row of the auditorium, where Connor and Alana are sitting as audience members trickle in. He holds three roses- a red one for Connor, a red one for Alana, and a yellow one for Zoe.

“Evan, you didn't have to.” Alana says, hugging him as he hands her the flower.

“I wanted to. It's the least I could do for you.” Evan sighs, as Connor takes his. “Now this guy, it's just cause I was obligated to.”

Connor giggles. “Damn straight you were. Come on, we saved you a seat.”

As audience members surround them, Connor and Alana hop up and take mics from the orchestra pit to do an introduction speech before the show starts. Connor mentions that they did their best to take the excessive swearing out of it, and Alana drones on with thanks to millions of people who did so much as let a cast member borrow their jacket. Once they're done and they've raced back down and sat next to Evan, the lights go out as the orchestra (which Zoe is not in) starts to play a harsh rock tune as the overture. When it’s over, a single spotlight appears onstage right on Zoe, who retaliates from the light and a booming offstage voice that interrogates her.

In all honesty, Evan doesn’t know how they got permission to do this show after the _Heathers_ fiasco the semester before. Even within the first scene, Zoe and some boy are making out onstage and a few minutes later some other girl is running around in a towel. Alana snickers when Zoe kisses the boy and Connor leans over and whispers something that Evan can’t hear, but it apparently makes Connor laugh too. Nevertheless, it goes on. It actually drags a bit, it’s really longer than it needs to be, but Evan doesn’t say anything at intermission because he doesn’t know whether it’s because of it’s the way it’s written or if it’s because of Alana and Connor’s directing.

It seems like the entire audience leans in as the climax of the show starts. There’s no flying people because the budget for the show wasn’t that big and they needed money to douse the lead girl in fake blood for three nights, but the others getting strangled and electrocuted make the whole “telekinesis” thing believeable enough. All this, and yet the most confusing part is _definitely_ when the mom stabs the lead girl, then the lead girl kills her mom with magic, then Zoe’s character races in to cradle the lead girl until she bleeds out. Like, _she just murdered everyone you knew? You’re literally the lone survivor? And you’re singing to her?_ Evan makes a mental note to ask Zoe what she thinks about that later.

After the show, Zoe races out to hug her friends. There’s four of them, huddled together like they’re the only ones in the world who matter. Zoe gracefully takes the flower from Evan and when she notices she’s covered in fake blood still, she makes sure to jump up and throw her arms around her brother, hugging him like a koala.

“Zoe, you little shit.”

“You’re the one who made me get covered in this stuff in the first place.”

Connor, however, refuses to put Zoe down and ends up carrying her around the auditorium like a baby, introducing her to people, despite her protests.

///

It was supposed to rain all week, but apparently Mother Nature decided to have mercy on Evan, Connor, Zoe and Alana as they sat near the top of the mountain ridge that was a good half hour away from the school. Connor had brought his weed along, and despite inital reluctance, he was now regularly passing around a joint to Zoe and Evan- only Alana managed to say no.

The stars seemed brighter from the top of the mountain. It was April 25, and almost midnight. They’d had Spring Break the week before, a week of sitting at home and cursing that it was so muggy. None of them really cared if they were past curfew, because it was special.

Zoe took a drag off of the joint as Connor took a look at his watch. “It’s midnight. It’s April 26.”

Zoe giggled and looked up at the stars. “Awesome. You woulda been seventeen today. You bastard. Hope this is how you wanted to spend it.” she said to the sky, her teeth gritting and tears forming in her eyes as Connor slid the joint out of her hand. “This is so dumb. Fuck this!” she yelled at no one in particular. Alana wrapped an arm around Zoe and handed her one of the soda cans they’d brought with them. Connor opened his mouth to say something, but bit back, nudging Evan slightly. Evan didn’t want to talk. He silently took the joint from Connor and took a small drag.

“Why am I so worked up? It’s almost been five months.” she pawed at the rock they sat on.

“Five months. It doesn’t feel that long.” Alana laughed to herself.  
“You’re worked up because we shouldn’t be spending today like this,” Connor groaned. “There should be five people getting high off their asses and drinking soda on a mountain, not four. We shouldn’t be screaming happy birthday to the sky, we should be singing it to a person. Unfortunately, that person had an illness and everyone was so ignorant about it that it built up inside so much that it led the kid to kill himself.” Connor spouted and pulled up his knees to his face.

They sat in silence for a moment. Connor lifted his head to an angry look from Alana and Zoe just staring at the sky, giggling.

“You know all that bull they spew about how ‘he’ll always be watching us from heaven’?” Evan said, sitting up, trying to change the mood. “I really hope he’s not watching us all the time. I always wondered about that actually. Ghost friends- are they watching me while I’m changing?”

Zoe giggles. “Or while I’m having wild sex with my boyfriend? Or did he do that while he was alive too?”

“God, I hope he wasn’t. The first time we had a makeout session we forgot he had insomnia and spent the entire second half of it having to listen to us.” Connor said.

Zoe gagged. “If you saying that didn’t make me absolutely certain Jared is going to dropkick you into the seventh layer of hell once you die, I would be so grossed out. I don’t need to know about your makeout sessions. Now give me the damn joint.”

Connor smirked. “Are you sure that’s safe Zoe? I mean if you’re so grossed out by…” He wrapped an arm around Evan’s waist and planted a sloppy kiss onto his lips, Evan wholeheartedly returning the favor. Zoe cowered and laughed.

“Gross brother is gross.”

“Says the lesbian who made out with a guy onstage for everyone to see.” Alana joked.

“Shut up!”

They looked over, where Connor and Evan were still connected to each other intensely.

“Okay, okay, I get it, I see your point, you’re both high, let’s not do anything we’ll regret. Plus, you’re making me upset, you’re making Alana upset, you’re making the entire student body upset, you’re making Jared upset, you’re making our parents upset, please stop. Not on our friend’s birthday.”

Connor pulled out first and winked at Zoe. “I’ve already done too many things that I regret. I’ve got nothing left to lose!” he cheered. “But we’ll finish that later.” he pointed to Evan, who was now laying on his back, but facing the other three.

With the mood lighter, the four laughed on. At one point, Connor pointed up at the stars. “Let’s make Jared a constellation.” he said, starting to make connections between stars.

“That’s the one!” Alana cheered a few minutes in.

“Why that one?” Zoe asked.

“ _Duh,_ it looks like a dick.” she says, and Zoe leans back.

“No… it can’t be…” she insists.

“Zoe, Zoe, Zoe,” Evan assures her, “it’s what Jared would’ve wanted. It’s our birthday present to him.”

Connor lays back and buries his face in his hands, giggling.

They don’t mean to fall asleep together on the rock, but they do. At about four in the morning, Evan wakes up and rushes everyone else out of the park before they get kicked out a few hours later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch title is from "santa fe" from newsies!
> 
> aaa i finally have a ch count on this storyyyyy we're close muchachas


	19. All Things He Never Lived

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan thinks this is a good way to see stars.

Evan remembered the first time he ever “saw stars”. He was with his Sunday school class outside the synagogue, where there was a brick lining that  elevated the flower garden. There was a bush there, that split in a way that looked so vaguely like an opening that the kids would use it as an entrance whenever they performed for each other. The other kids would sit along the tulip sprouts and watch their fellow five year olds sing and dance, probably some song they’d learned that morning in class. That day, their parents were hanging around them as well, watching the kids play and trying to make sure that no one fell off the brick railing. 

Evan was walking one foot in front of the other along the brick wall as the other kids danced around the garden, some watching Evan (and some trying to trip him up). It wasn’t until he reached the highest point that he realized turning around was a mistake. He tripped on the shoelace his child self had refused to tie and tumbled off the wall, scraping the inside of his thigh and knocking his head on the pavement below. 

He sat there for a minute- not crying, not screaming, just realizing he’d fallen and the sound of his head hitting ringing in his ears. His mother ended up having to take him to the hospital, he had a mild concussion and had to wear a bandage around his leg. He cried later that night, because he had to leave his classmates behind, and because he made his mom worried. He didn’t like to see his mom cry. It just made him cry, until there was a mother and a son crying in a small hospital room with only each other.

The second time was when Evan was nine years old and he was outside practicing skateboarding on a flimsy board he’d made himself almost a year ago. Everything was going fine until a bright silver truck pulled up in the driveway and he had to pull over super quickly. He tumbled out and landed on the hard ground, as his aunt stormed out of the truck and screamed at him for being in the way. 

He didn’t injure himself too badly, but he sat outside watching the sky go from blue to black for the next hour while his family was inside because he didn’t want to see his family mad at him. Those were literal stars and the ones that formed in Evan’s mind, they were red and black and white and danced around him in circles, as the sounds dimmed down around him. Eventually, his mom came out and made him come inside, but Evan got to be peaceful, at least for a little bit.

The next time didn’t come until Evan’s sophomore year of high school. He was in a school play about all different kinds of kids, and it was more something he was forced to do, otherwise he definitely wouldn’t have done it. The kid he played wore all black and blue and smoked a hookah, something that made his mom laugh out loud when he did it. It was simultaneously the worst and funniest thing he’s ever done. He did one scene where he had to wait behind a rafter with his scene partner listening to the really horrible duet going on onstage. Evan nearly fainted after every performance- it was really strange, and he knew lots of kids who decided to keep doing theatre after they said they wouldn't because of a performance, but Evan was  _ not  _ one of those kids. He would stick to the audience, thank you very much.

Then, Evan’s first attempt. The tree. The park. The desire to be seen for once fading away, wanting to hide forever. Evan was so...  _ tired. _ His feet dragged and his face stung red, so that he was too scared to touch it before he climbed, and climbed, and finally just… let go. The world moved so quickly, too quickly for him to say goodbye, and hitting the forest floor with a thump. He landed on his arm, immediately numbing it. 

He did not cry. He sat there and stared at the sky, contemplating things, as the static in his arm travelled to his head, then the red dots came back, dancing around and flooding his eyesight. He didn’t move. He waited for someone to find him. Come and get him. No one did. So he picked himself up and dragged himself to where someone helped him get to a hospital. Because he was suck a fuckup he couldn’t even get suicide right. Serves him right, actually. It’s not like anyone would’ve been there to help him- initally, he didn’t want anyone there, because he didn’t want to be stopped from dying before he did. But unfortunately, when it became evident that he was not going to die that afternoon, he succumbed to the world and had to let someone else help him again.

The next time came so quickly. Evan had friends, and a new life, and he fell in love, and he was thriving so much that he should’ve expected something terrible to happen- but that’s Evan making Jared’s death about himself, which he really shouldn’t do, and he knows, but he can only think of the world falling apart in his broken hands as he cowered in the corner of the piano room. He wanted to be normal, he wanted his friends to be normal, he wanted everyone to just stop for a second and breathe. To be okay. To not be so sick. It was a far-fetched idea, but in this moment, it was the only string of hope in Evan’s mind. He could only imagine situations where he was able to go back in time and smack Jared right across the face, before giving him the help he needed. Why couldn’t they have just helped each other? That’s not too outlandish, right?

The next time was a happy memory- the last happy memory Evan could remember. Junior Prom. Not the dance so much, as it was boring and much too loud for Evan to be comfortable, but what happened after. He and Connor, with the lights dimmed in the dorm room, bodies against each other. The only people in the world so close to each other and so loving of each other, giving each other everything they had. 

Evan was so confused as to how someone as independent as Connor could love him- it was then that he realized that he wasn’t. Connor was very similar to Evan, regarding to others for encouragement and love and being able to rise up with the support of others. It was an etheareal experience for Evan, to feel so loved, to feel so wanted, to have someone who cared enough to kiss Evan and put his body next to his, no matter what the world would say. To so proudly show everyone who they were, to say that Evan was his and he was proud. And for Evan to be able to say the same to Connor. To be able to love Connor and know that he was his world. Evan could not think of the world and the others he saw, and the only thing on his mind was how he matched his person, and how in that moment, the world spun around them. At least he thought.

That summer, Evan didn’t take up a job. He did spend time with Alana, however, who it turned out only lived about twenty minutes away from him. Heidi seemed so happy that they were friends, and she also never tried to pull the “little girlfriend” card that Evan hated so much. Zoe decided to work at a summer camp, and she would often spam their group text with videos of campers doing funny or dangerous things, and just pictures of her at all the crazy places around the campground. One of the videos was of her on a zipline, and it’s one of the group’s favorites, because there’s a moment where she almost drops her phone in the lake and yells a not so nice word, followed by a camper coming into view with a inexplicable face. She assured her friends that she didn’t get into trouble, however.

Connor decided to start taking public dance classes instead of privates. The lyrical class he was placed in, however, was ages nine to seventeen, and being the gangly sixteen year old didn’t make him super popular with the other teenagers. He mentioned it to Evan after his first class, but never complained or anything. After a few weeks, Connor mentioned that he made new friends in lyrical- two little girls, one nine and one twelve. He mentioned that they really liked braiding his hair and started sending goofy pictures the girls liked taking on his phone. Apparently he was really good at lifts and the girls in the class always begged to be his partner instead of the other two boys because he was the tallest and kind of obviously the best dancer in the class- even though Connor himself refused to admit it.

One week they all got together and saw Connor at a dance showcase for the high school students. Evan had never seen him like that before. So happy, so elegant, so carefree. His younger friends hugged him after the concert and he put one of them on his back before walking to introducing them to Evan, Zoe, and Alana, When he went in to hug Evan, he pecked him quickly on the cheek, and the girl on his back cried that Connor always told them PDA was stupid. The others laughed when Connor got called a “hippo-cryte” but Evan just went red.

He wished it could still be that way. That senior year hadn’t started. That they all hadn’t become extremely busy and stressed with school and that they didn’t have to be so somber when the one year anneversiary of Jared’s death had passed. And that life didn’t have to bear them down. Connor spent less and less time with Evan. Evan wondered if Connor even loved him anymore. He felt disgusting, like now that Connor was happier and doing better, Connor wouldn’t need him. Same with Zoe and Alana. They both went back to their best friend ways. Zoe and Connor fought less, which was nice, but they all rarely hung out to see it happen. Alana started to thrive, getting scholarships and such, and she rarely ever talked to the others because she was called to so many confrences and different experiences. She even left Connor to direct the fall show all by himself. It was Peter Pan. Evan went to see opening night, but he left and went to the dorm to sleep before Connor or Zoe could talk to him. Zoe was in the pit again, and he could hear her trailing out with her band friends after the show as he walked back. If she called his name, he didn’t hear it.

Evan wanted to be distant. It was like a sheet had built up between them and the people he knew and thought he loved. He stopped calling his mom. He didn’t want her to be sad.

Evan thinks this is a good way to see stars.

The bradford pear that the group had spent so much of junior year hanging out under was droopy and sad after a recent rainstorm in the November chill.

Evan lay under it, as the trees swirled around him, even though he knew he wasn’t moving. One side of him was accompanied by an empty bottle of citalopram, the other by an empty melatonin bottle. He was lucky when his mom told him the two medicines reacted badly with each other. The world fell away, and Evan thought he heard someone calling his name. It sounded like Jared. Funny, he hadn’t heard Jared’s voice in a long time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is taken from "Left Behind" from Spring Awakening
> 
> heyeyeyeyeyeye  
> heyeyeyeyeyeye  
> i say hey  
> whats goin on


	20. Would I Ever Get To Heaven When A Million Dollars Gets You There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But things seemed good.

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

“Hey. Dumbass.”

“What do you want?”

“That’s no way to greet me after a year.”

“Neither is ‘hey, dumbass’ but you don’t see me complaining.”

“Touche.”

Jared smirked, shoving his hands in his pockets. Evan sighed and looked around. It didn’t look like anything in particular. He knew there had to be something there with them, but he couldn’t actually see anything.

“...So we’re stuck here? Indefinitely?” Evan asks.

Jared laughs. Like, full-on laughs. “Absolutely not.”

“The hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“I am. You’re not.” Jared says, taking in Evan’s confused expression. “You’re not dead, Evan.”

Evan’s heart sinks.

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

“Great.” he rolls his eyes. “Not only did I fuck up trying to die, I did it twice.”

“Actually, you didn’t fuck up. You easily could’ve died had you been out there any longer than you were.” Jared says. “If your friends hadn’t cared so much that they went looking for you. And come to get you.”

“What? They… actually tried to find me?” Evan asked.

Jared nodded. “Connor was the ringleader- not sure how surprising that’d be to you. I’m glad you closed your eyes out there, because Connor’s face when he saw you…” Jared wiped his mouth and sighed. “There’s a reason I did it at home. Where people I didn’t care about would find me.”

Evan stepped forward and hugged Jared. Jared hugged back. It was empty, like neither of them actually existed, but it was  _ something. _

They talked.

“Jared.”

“Yes?”

“Do you…”

“Regret it?”

Evan stopped dead, and looked at his friend. Jared smirked and nodded his head. “I don’t think I’d know how to answer that. But I gotta ask… how were you so calm when you saw me? I was half expecting you to punch me the second you saw me.”

Evan takes a deep breath. “I guess… I got over being angry. I’m not bitter anymore. I mean, I tried too. So it’s not like… I don’t understand why you did it. I just wish you’d talked to us.”

“Well, I’m talking to you now.”

“But it’s  _ too late now,  _ Jared.”

“But it’s not.” Jared said. “For you. Evan, I don’t want to see you back here. You have to keep the others level for me. Stay safe. Take care of yourself like I didn’t. This is sappy as hell, I know, but it needs to be said. If I have to see you again before you’re old as shit, I’m bitchslapping you into the next layer of the beyond realm.” he nudges Evan on the arm.

Evan laughs and nods solemnly. “We miss you.”

“I miss you guys too.” Jared smirks. “And Evan? Next time you and Connor go at it, don’t do it on Connor’s bed. It disturbs my own.” he shudders and Evan facepalms.

“Jared!”

///

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. _

“I can’t take it with this fucking noise!”

“What, would you rather it stop?”

“No- just- I can’t take this anymore. Is he gonna be alright?”

“That’s what the doctor said. They won’t take any chances. He’ll be alright, Connor.”

Evan blinks. The cold light of the hospital seeps into view and he shuts them quickly, letting out a small whine.

“He’s awake!”

“Not so loud Connor.”

“Sorry.”

When Evan’s eyes have adjusted, he opens them slowly to see Zoe, Connor, and Alana sitting around him. They all look like hell, but Evan figures he must look worse. None of them speak. They all look like they’ve been crying. 

“How long was I out?” Evan asks, his throat croaky.

“About a day. We found you yesterday afternoon. It's four o'clock now.” Zoe murmurs. Connor leans forward and extends a hand out to Evan. Evan takes the hand and actually pulls Connor in, hugging him tight. Connor feels tears coming out of his eyes as Evan starts to cry as well.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Evan cries, blubbering.

“Shh, shh…” Connor holds Evan tighter and tries to quiet him, letting him cry. 

It takes a minute for Evan to calm down. He sits back and lets Connor sit, but doesn’t let go of his hand, gripping it tightly. He also moves to grasp Alana’s hand with his other.

It strange. He didn’t let anyone touch him for two days after his first attempt.

Did his dream about Jared…?

He swallowed quickly.

“Evan… what were you thinking?” Zoe says, voice cracking. She’s sleep deprived. Her eyes are icy.

“I’m so sorry.” Evan chokes back a sob. “I didn’t want to burden anyone anymore. I had nothing left. But I-I changed my mind. I don’t want to leave you guys. Jared said I didn’t-”

“Jared?” Alana interrupted.

Evan shook his head. “Nevermind. I had a dream. But I-I don't want to leave you. I want to stay. With you guys, a-and-”

“Evan?”

Four heads turned around as a very exhausted looking Heidi Hansen appeared in the door. Connor, Alana, and Zoe nodded and silently filed out of the room, leaving Evan to outstretch his arms and letting Heidi fall into them, hugging him tightly.

“Baby, you’re okay, you’re okay, I was so worried, you’re okay, you’re here…”

She sat in the chair Alana had been previously seated in, taking Evan’s hands and smiling weakly. “What happened?”

“I’m sorry mom, I- I’m so sorry, I love you so much, I- I don’t want to die-”   
“You’re not going to die. I’m right here, you’re right here. You’re safe.” she 

“I tried to mom. I wanted to- but I couldn’t. Mom, please, I mean it, I’m so sorry-”

“Shh, shh, you’re safe now Evan. That’s what matters.” She wiped tears from his eyes. “One.”

“One.” Evan choked out.

“Two.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

“Three.”

“Four.”

“Four.”

“Five.”

“Five.” Evan took one last shaky breath, eventually evening them out.

///

Alana, Connor, Zoe, and Heidi sat surrounding Evan in the hospital room.

“So… what happens next?” Zoe asks.

“I don’t want to leave school, mom.” Evan pleads.

“I won’t make you. Don’t worry.” Heidi caressed her son’s hair, smoothing it out and squeezing his hand. 

“We try. That’s what we do.” Connor leans back.

“Do I have to go to rehab?” Evan asks.

“I think so. Can you try?” Heidi says.

Evan looks at his friends. Their weak smiles and their bright yet exhausted eyes send him a surge of love he’s never felt before. “Yeah. I’m gonna try.”

Alana and Zoe stand up and stand next to Connor and Heidi on either side of the bed, so they can lean in and hug Evan. It turns into a large group hug until Evan whimpers and they pull back.

“I hate being in the hospital. I always have to learn to walk again.” Evan whines.

“And you have to wear those horrible gowns.” Alana teases.

“I’ll bet Connor likes them. Wait til we all leave, he’ll get it off of him soon enough.” Zoe jokes, then looks over at Heidi and goes just as red as Evan.

“Well, as long as you’re not bothering other patients. And using protection.” Heidi says nonchalantly. Evan buries his face into the pillow.

“Good  _ God,  _ I can’t believe this is happening.” He says, the pillow muffling him.

Heidi drove three hours to be with Evan so she says the other three can go back to the school and sleep, but no one really wants to. Evan doesn’t want them to. They all sleep on chairs and every so often someone will wake up and look around at the situation they’d gotten themselves into.

And eventually, in the coming months, that bradford pear in the back woods of Hughes will become a memorial. That only four people know of. It doesn’t say his name anywhere, but there’s a 3D printed scale model of the tree next to it and a good number of things surrounding it.

Smiles become brighter than they ever dreamed was humanly possible. And while they weren’t picture perfect, there were four- five, really, rambunctious teenagers dancing around a tree at two in the morning, or singing too loudly for the DAs to be happy, or kissing or hugging or going downtown to watch dance concerts and Rocky Horror shadowcasts. Celebrating sixteenth/seveteenth/eighteenth birthdays on a mountain. Counting down the days until graduation.

Things weren't perfect. There were some relapses. Some nightmares. Struggles. But things seemed good. And that support they tried to have for each other through everything was really what might've kept them afloat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song "forget" by Marina and the Diamonds.
> 
> *takes a deep breath* hhholy shit you guys. This is the first full length fanfic I've ever written and actually stuck with until the end. And I had no idea it would be that draining omg
> 
> I don't really know what else to say except thank you for reading and enjoying and for those of you who commented god bless !!! I feel like I should take a dramatic tear stained bow now
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed and are ready for a little something I like to call "The Family Party"!

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i apologize for this completely but im a slut for boarding school aus so yeah *clicks fingers* also im really bad at exposition but just WAIT until i get to the weed smoking and making out because im really bad at that (i mean can you blame me im writing a dear evan hansen fanfiction with my spring break time)
> 
> anyways leave a comment if u like it bc the reason im writing this is because im a teen with high level anxiety and no friends who is prone to injuries from doing stupid things outdoors and i crave VALIDATION FROM OTHERS ON THE INTERNET!
> 
> anyway my tumblr is @pigland3 if u wanna yell @ me


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